When I Was a Kid........

Take a few moments to think about your relationship with your teen, and your life way back in the dark ages when you were a child. Then answer the following questions. The trick is to not remember how you wanted it to be, but how it was. Good or bad, nurturing or caustic, hovering or aloof, happy or sad- really recall your childhood and your relationship with your parents.

1. What parenting styles did you experience as a child?
2. How did your parents teach you to be well behaved?
3. How did your parents discipline you?
4. How did they teach and correct you?
5. How did they encourage your independence?

Now:

List three things your parents did that were positive and influenced and encouraged you.

List three things your parents did that you will never, ever do to your children:

Next, think about your own parenting.

How often do you criticize your teen? Reversely, do you provide specific, positive feedback. In what ways do you show your pride and enthusiasm? In what ways are you instilling your values, and your ethics? Do you "rescue" your kids from difficult situations, let them work things our on their own, or help them with their problem-solving? Are you angry and emotional before you talk to your kids when they've done something wrong? Note a time when a talk with your teen felt more like a confrontation.

Unless we consciously make other choices, we tend to slide into the same parenting styles as our parents. In this column we have talked so much about children learning what they live. As children, we did too.

By looking at your answers to these sets of questions, you can begin to think about the parenting style that helped shape you, and how you parent now. You can begin to make decisions about adjusting your style. Self-knowledge is the secret to taking the good stuff and discarding what is not so good. My husband has a slogan that infuriates me when I am ranting about something I can't fix, change or influence. "How's that working for you?" The that means I probably need to realize my approach is #1. ineffective, #2. not getting the desired results, #3. probably needs a step back and a reassessment.

So, if something is not working between your teen and you, start evaluating your approach and your own growing up. Break the negative patterns and add positive new ones. You probably don't need an analyst's couch and Freud, but a little trip down memory lane might help avert "issues" in the future. Now,......about those dreams ...... chrissie