Uncle Uncle

Maybe it's where I fall on the age-o-meter. Maybe it's because I'm out of practice. Maybe it's because I 'm used to my own time and things on my own terms. Whatever it is, six days with my precious five and two year-old grandchildren and I am ready for their parents to come home. Really ready.

We have had a wonderful time. They are of course, well-behaved, kind and loving. They never asked for their Mom or Dad, not once. They play well together and mind their Oh-Mommy. Every word that comes out of their mouth is magical and needs to be written down somewhere. Each observation of their world is priceless. Their innocence and wonder and........you get the idea. I, however, am just too tired to note their cleverness.

Did you know that children need to eat three real meals a day? Their Grandfather and I are now very happy with cheese and crackers or popcorn for dinner. There are dishes. Lots of dishes. Each one needs clean clothes, two or three times in a 24 hour period. I had four children. My washer never stopped. It's just that I am out of that laundry rhythm.

It's the waking up (6:45- little fingers are opening my eyelids. " ake up Oh-Mommy. I hungy. Go make bacon." ) and hitting the floor running. It's the fixing healthy breakfasts, getting lunches packed, getting both dogs out, getting both children dressed and loaded in the car, then to the pre-school line-by 9:00 in the morning. I don't think my own pastor recognized me as I walked by. Makeup? Heck, I don't even think I had brushed my hair.

It's also the magnitude of caring for these precious beings left in my care. I was too young and too busy when my own children were small to worry about the "what if's" and the "look-outs." I told sympathetic friends my main goal this watch was to stay out of the emergency room with either of the grandchildren. I am happy to report, that has been successful .

I am unhappy to report that "An-Daddy" briefly lost his namesake at our church's Halloween party Sunday night. I was off with big sister and upon returning, started looking around for Wagner. His grandfather casually answered, "He was here just a second ago." Ten minutes later, in a gym full of costumed trick or treaters, I found him settled in on Anne Sheet's lap, watching the big kids climb the Jupiter Jump Wall. He was happy as a clam, I on the other hand, needed CPR and a Valium.

We took autumny walks at the river. We raked and jumped in piles of leaves. We stirred up blueberry muffins. We read books and told stories. We played Beauty Shop and John Deere Tractor Boy. (don't ask). We are making memories that will last a lifetime. Just as my Grandmothers did for me, and my Mother did for my children, I want to insure that my Grandchildren know their will always be someone in the world who loves them most of all.

A very tired..... Me. chrissie

Baby, Can I Drive The Car?

It's a right of passage. Driver's Ed. Learner's Permit. And at 16, the Driver's License!!!! It's a given. 16? Here are the keys to your car.

It is certainly more convenient. There is no rationing of who gets the family car. No whining. Your teen can get where he needs to go without you. He can run errands and help with the younger family members. There is no more car-pooling or late night pick-ups. It's so much easier. However, with the convenience, comes risk.

Did you know traffic accidents are the leading cause of death for American teenagers, killing 5,000 teens-and injuring 250,000-every year. But there's a simple way to cut down on the danger. Scientists say: Don't give kids their own car.

In a study of 5,500 teens, researchers at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia found that 25 percent of kids who had their own cars or the free use of one had been involved in a crash, whereas just 10 percent of teens who shared the family car had suffered an accident. Researchers found that kids with their own car or keys gain a "sense of entitlement about driving" that renders then less cautious and more arrogant behind the wheel.

Additionally, the Philadelphia study found that teens with parents who set clear rules and kept tabs on their whereabouts had half as many crashes, were 71% less likely to drive drunk, and 30% less likely to drive while using the cell phone.

So, inconvenient as it is, it seems that the safest decision a family can make if for parents to control access to the car keys. Just as we baby proofed the house when they were small, we must continue to follow through on their well-being and safety as our children begin to drive. It's important. It could save their life. chrissie

Muskogee High Renovations

Just wanted to post a photo of the renovated cafeteria at MHS and say kudos to Mike Martin and his team at SpacesDesign and Architecture. They just won an AIA design award for their renovations for Muskogee Public Schools. Check out the New Spin 360 photo here:

http://host.newspin360.net/muskogee/muskogeehighschool

Many, many thanks also go to the voters who passed the bond issue providing for massive renovation projects throughout our schools. These projects will carry us forward into the 21st century and reflect the quality schools our community deserves. Thanks, too, to Muskogee Schools Superintendent Mike Garde and our Board of Education for their long range vision for our community.

----Melony

For more information about New Spin 360, Oklahoma's HD photo shop, visit: http://www.newspin360.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=6&Itemid=9
Check out the coin toss at Gaylord Memorial Stadium, Owen Field, Norman.

Head's Up

When our children were small, being a good parent was easier. It is pretty obvious when a diaper needs to be changed, a meal needs to be prepared, another Raffi song sung. Social instruction? "Don't hit your sister". "Don't pull the head off your teddy bear." "Don't pick your nose." Safety issues are cut and dried. "Hold my hand when we cross the street." "Stranger Danger." "Keep your finger out of the light socket." Best of all, your child loved you most in all the world. Sigh. Those were the days.

Now, your precious, innocent, trusting child has morphed into a moody, pubescent, hormone raging adolescent. That bright smile and that eager to please son or daughter has disappeared, replaced by a stranger that seems to want no part of you or the workings of your home and family. As a parent, this new attitude seems daunting and almost impenetrable. The bedroom door to your teen's bedroom is not the only thing that seems closed all the time. The parent/child relationship and interaction that was once so open and comfortable is now difficult and awkward.

As Mel pointed out, this is just the time we need to be paying the most attention. Don't give up. Now, more than ever, you must keep lines of communication open. Don't let your child's attitude and angst intimidate you into a passive parent. Continue to ask questions. Continue to expect answers. Set rules. Follow through. Make family time. Nurture and love unconditionally but set conditions on things like curfews, grades and behavior. After making the rules clear (as we have discussed before), stay consistent.

The world as your adolescent knows it is precarious and ever-changing. The best gift you can give as a parent is to be the one constant in their life. Make home a safe place. Make it a welcoming one. Make it a moral one. Every time your child walks in the door, he should feel a calm and steady atmosphere. At home, the rules don't change. Home should be the one constant in an ever-changing world.

It is said that home is where our stories should begin. If your child's story is not centered on family and home life, refocus and recenter your family and your relationships. Don't back down. Much as your teen resists, he still needs to have your influence. Though they will try, do not be dismissed. Stay engaged with your son and daughter. Still bake the cookies, know the teachers, ask the questions and get the answers. That's just what your teen needs, whether he/she thinks they want it or not! chrissie

Turning a Blind Eye

A comment on Chrissie's previous blog about setting consistency said "...but waffling is what we do best, can't you tell from the kids!"

It reminded me of a quote from A.S. Byatt's new novel, The Children's Book, in which one of the children's friends says, "Grown-ups always think we don't know things they must have known themselves," a friend tells Tom. "They need to remember wrong, I think."

I contemplated that quote for the longest, thinking about all the ways it can be interpreted. It makes parents happy-go-lucky to ignore the fact that our children know as much if not more than we did about sex, drugs, drinking, sneaking out of the house or allowing friends to drive your car. We never think our teenagers would engage in those dangerous activites, nay, they don't even know anything about them, do they? They are sweet innocents.

We need to remember our own teenaged years wrong to help us make it through our children's teen years, otherwise the worry alone would be enough to give us a nervous breakdown! Other more laid back parents might think they survived all those things and so their child can make it, too, regardless of whether they worry or not.

If that weren't enough, one place we often turn a blind eye is school. Do we often remember wrong about school, too? Do we remember quite classrooms and always having our homework done? Or do we remember never doing our homework and acing the test anyway? Maybe we think we made it through all on our own with no help from anyone. And we know little Timmy is upstairs doing his homework, right?

In any case, remembering wrong can have horrible effects when applied to one's children. To turn a blind eye can result in complications we couldn't imagine. A child's failing grade or descent into drug addiction are too high a price to pay to be shaken out of our reverie too late.

Most people turn a blind eye because they don't know what other action to take. They waffle and stuggle with decisions, often trying to take the perfect action. Here is one action to take today - sit down and think about your teen and ask if you are turning a blind eye in any area of his or her development. Are you paying close enough attention? Just think about it - it's the first step to taking action.

Be Consistent

Do you sometimes feel like your teen doesn't listen to you? When you speak, does the message goes in one ear and out the other? One reason teenagers don't listen to us is that often we say one thing and mean another - or don't follow through on what we say. This simple concept is extremely important to keep in mind in any type of dealings with our teenagers. Inconsistency on our part is often the basis for our teen not listening, and is one of the main reasons that techniques we try do not work.

We dismiss adults who say one thing and do something else, so we cannot expect our teenagers to listen to us if we behave in the same way.

There are many ways parents are inconsistent and thereby confuse our kids. We are also teaching them to be manipulative or how to tune us out. Here's a few examples of those mixed signals we don't want to send but often do.

Empty Statements

If you don't straighten up in school, I am going to send you to boarding school.

I'll kill you if you don't stop bothering me.

If you and your brother don't stop fighting, I'm leaving home and never coming back.

I'm sure you could think of many other similar statements where parents say things they have no intention of carrying out. The adult knows this, but, more importantly, the child knows it too. Therefore, using threats like these will not stop the behavior and the child will continue the behavior you are trying to modify. Statements have to have meat and potatoes behind them.

Overstatements

Go to your room. You are punished until you are 18 years old.
You cannot talk on the phone for the entire school year.
You are grounded for a month.

Overstatements like these are also a major source of inconsistencies in families. Parents get angry and make a promise or threat they can never keep. Or they say or do something and then start feeling guilty. As the guilt increases, they may try to do something to undo the comment or reduce the punishment if the child shows appropriate behavior. However, in both instances, the child interprets the parents' behavior as saying, "Don't believe or listen to what I say because I don't really mean it."

Turning "No" to "Yes" and "Yes" to "No"
In this situation, we say one thing and does something else. Say your teenager asks to use the car and you say no. Precious does not accept this answer and starts to harass you. After a time you give in and let him use the car in order to end the argument and preserve your sanity. Here, the original no has been changed to yes.

The major point here is that a no has been changed to a yes, or vice versa - that a positive statement has become negative. Not only are we teaching our children not to listen to us when we respond in this fashion, but we are also showing them how to manipulate us. In other words, we are saying, "If I tell you something that you do not like, do this (complain, get me upset, argue) and I'll change my mind." Waffling is a poor parenting choice.

Consistency from Both Parents
The examples used all pertain to the need for consistency from each parent. In other words, both parents need to be very predictable in dealing with their teenager. If one tells a child that he cannot use the car until the room is clean, the child should be able to bet his life that the only way he is going to be able to drive the car is to clean his room.

Consistency must come from both mother and father as a unit. Each parent must mean what he or she says when dealing with the child, but they mu"t also support and back up one another. A child asks his mother, "Can I go to a concert tonight?" She says, "No." Then he asks his father the same question and gets a positive answer. His mother later asks him what he is doing and where he is going? "Why, going to the concert and that his father said he could." Mom then confronts Dad and an argument starts. In the meantime, son finishes getting dressed and goes merrily on his way.

Parents can create inconsistency by undermining each other and not presenting a unified approach to the child. By doing this, several things happen. First, the child learns to play one parent against the other and to manipulate them to get his way. Also, when one parent disciplines a child or makes a decision and the other contradicts the action, the first parent's authority is reduced and,consequently, the child views one parent as holding authority and may not listen to the other. In addition, this type of approach tends to identify one parent as the "bad guy" or the mean one, and the other as the "good guy" or benevolent one. If you happen to be the bad guy, look out! This type of inconsistency also produces arguing and fighting between parents.

Be consistent as a unit. If you disagree with your partner or another person who has a significant part in disciplining your child, it is best to support the other person in front of your child. Later, when your child is not around, discuss the situation and, more importantly, resolve it.

Environmental Consistency
So far, the discussion of consistency has related to how adults interact with teenagers. But is your child able to predict you? This type of consistency, called interpersonal consistency, is probably the most important type, and is essential for effective behavior management. In addition, consistency, structure, or routine in the environment sometimes reduce behavioral difficulties. For example, a child who has a set time to get off the phone will usually cause less trouble for the parent than one who is allowed to talk for different time lengths each night. A child who has a particular time to come home will often give the parent less trouble than one who does not. In general, environmental consistency - that is, consistency of routines -should be established in your home. (from Keys to Parenting Your Teenager by Don Fontenelle, Ph.D. Copyright 2000 by Barron's Educational Series, Inc.)

Consistency might seem like a minor concept but it is a major principle in behavior management. It serves as a foundation on which other techniques and methods are built. A good rule to keep in mind when interacting with your adolescent is this: Do not say anything you can't do or don't want to do, and do everything you say you are going to do. It's the follow through that helps us deal effectively with our child. chrissie