Loving our Teen

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

Have a great last week of 2010. Enjoy your time with family and friends. Have a wonderful New Year weekend. chrissie

Maintaining the Status Quo

Did anyone read the syndicated editorial by Mona Charen in today's Muskogee Phoenix concerning Michelle Obama's plan to downsize school lunches? The First Lady's fitness plan includes shaping up children and teenagers by reducing the fat in school lunches, which we all know needs to happen. We can't just leave it up to the parents, as Mrs. Obama said.

What really stood out in the editorial, however, was Charen's idea that we should eliminate school lunches and have students bring their own lunch to school, the way they did prior to this modern school lunch program that started in 1946, subsidizing lunches with fattening cheese and farmers with money. Charen's rationale is that way parents would have more ownership and participation in their children's lives and kids would eat healthier. Feed the kids breakfast at school, but have them bring their lunch - oh, and call child protective services on the parents of kids who don't show up with a lunch.
I'm not sure I'm buying all that. There were school lunches prior to 1946 and the effects of poverty on children in public schools was studied as early as the 1800's. The first school-run lunch programs began in the early 1900's. Why not just make school lunch healthier for the sake of its being healthier?
A metamessage underlying the whole thing, though, is the realization that the way we Baby Boomers have grown up is not a sure thing. I am fearful for our children and I think I might even be fearful for myself. The social programs we have become accustomed to may not always be there for us. Not just no school lunch program, but no Social Security for our children or possibly for us. No school at all? Only a half day and kids get home in time for lunch at 1:00? There are endless things we cannot afford now as a country with a deficit in the trillions. Is this the legacy we want to leave our children?
Valiant, courageous, ethical, and creative people would be finding a way now to change for the better. We have the creative capacity to come up with a better - and just as profitable, if that is the bottom line - solution for our children's health and prosperity.
Melony

Christmas Blessings

mErRy ChRistMas


MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS

We're closing in on the holiday. 4 days and counting. I am including a new recipe from my friend Jennifer. It is a nice addition to Christmas brunch, is as easy as can be and is delicious!

Section fresh grapefruit, saving the juice. You may also use pre-sectioned grapefruit from the jar. 2 mounding cups of fruit with serve 4-6 people.

Combine 2 cups of juice with 1 cup sugar and bring to a boil. After sugar is dissolved, add 2 cups of cranberries and boil until cranberries pop.

Pour cranberry mixture over the drained citrus and chill well. Right before serving, toss in 1 or 2 sliced bananas.

My Merry Christmas is three cars of my children are Muskogee bound and the rest are just across the street. Santa made a brief visit Saturday night before returning to finish things at the North Pole and all is right with the world. My significant other is whistling Christmas songs around the house and we both are ready for our tribe to descend. I have been to the grocery five times in two days. Everything is wrapped. The tree is actually still alive and full of needles. Ok. I'm ready. Bring on Christmas. chrissie

****Two Weeks and Counting****

Two weeks til Christmas

Where does the time go?

Shopping to do

Then wrapped with a bow.

The teens in your house

Are easy to please,

Ipods and lap- tops

On you put the squeeze.

Razors and Coaches

And flat screened TV's

It seems in your family

A rich Santa you need.

The tree is not decorated

There's no one around,

To help with the trimming

No teen can be found.

Six dozen Christmas cookies

In bright green and red;

Stood alone and unguarded,

Teenage-boys? Enough said.

Gifts for the neighbors

Now must be bought

So much for homemade-

Poinsettas now sought.

Daughter announces

(On Sunday before)

Her friend gifts are needed

So back to the stores.

The house is all polished,

You've worked for a week.

Wait, schools's out today

Your plans get a tweek.

The dishes are stacked

In the sink night and day,

Their clothes you step over,

As this prayer you pray:

Lord help me remember

This time too shall pass

To not be impatient

Nor let life go too fast.

Each stage with our children

Is unique in it's way

Each moment a blessing

Give thanks for today.

Lord give me patience

And guide me as I

Help these children grow

On you I rely.

May the seeds that we've planted

Nurture and grow

And Christmases from now

We'll reflect in the glow

Of children who grew to be

Honest and giving

Loving and strong

And making a living.

It all comes full circle

As around once again

Our daughters and sons

Become women and men.

Merriest of Christmases-Chrissie

Bah Humbug

It's official. My house is ready for Christmas. The lights are up on the house. The garland is on the mantel. The wreath is on the door. My house is happy and so am I.

What makes Christmas such an emotional time? People either love the holiday or hate it. It seems to depend on how our expectations were met as children. If the season was a stable and nurturing event in a life, Christmas is welcomed. If Christmas was an excuse for a dysfunctional family to get more so, adult children now become angry and depressed. Unfortunately, that attitude carries over into their own family and affects their own children.

I am not talking about how many presents are under the tree. I mean, harboring a resentment from long ago that directly impacts those loved most of all. Christmas is an opportunity to make those memories and traditions that are so important in our children's lives. Any time a family gathers together is a chance to mold the people our children will become. Carrying our own baggage into the dynamics is selfish and destructive. Make a conscious choice to at least be neutral- it's only fair.

The climate in a house is directly influenced by the care-givers who live there. Positive energy results in positive results. Grumpy and surly-the opposite.

I wish we "grownups" all had wonderful memories of our childhoods. Unfortunately, many of us were not so lucky. The key to me is to take the good and learn from the bad. Carrying it around like an albatross is counterproductive and more importantly, impacts generations of our families. It there is more than you can deal with alone- get professional help. Talk it out. Resolve. Forgive. Move on.

May this Christmas be a continuation of the good or a new start for you and yours. I wish you a joyful time with all those you love. Take a deep breath and put your big boy pants on. You can do this. Oh, and Merry Christmas! chrissie