If the conversation in your house was part of a movie script, would it rate a G, PG, PG-13, or even an R?
Many parents are alarmed at their trash-talking teens, but James O'Connor, author of "Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing",
offers hope. "Most swearing is complaining or criticizing, but when
parent and teen are battling over profanity, it’s time for a new
tactic," he advises. "Stop the yelling and threats and calmly explain
how the language really bothers you. Encouraging them to develop a more
positive attitude can not only reduce swearing, but they'll be happier
too." O'Connor also encourages making deals: "Ask your teen what you do
that really annoys him or her, and say you will try to change if he or
she will try to change."
Here are some ideas that can encourage your teens to speak with more dignity and self-control.
SOLUTIONS:
1. Redefine Cool
Teens may think swearing is cool, but the truly cool are confident and articulate. Swearing reveals the opposite: insecurity and aggression. Swearing just sounds dumb, and dumb is never cool.2. Promise to Improve Your Own Language
If you swear, you can make a powerful impact by saying, "I realize that I've set a bad example with my language and I'm working to improve it. I hope you’ll forgive me, and I'm asking you to make the same effort." Don't be dismayed by the inevitable eye-rolling. Your humility will make an impression, and it could be the first step in an important discussion about why words matter.3. Explain the Link between Language and Moods
The hostility of foul language increases feelings of anger, which raises stress hormones and creates a vicious cycle of anger-swearing-anger. So if you want to be happier, talk cleaner.4. Deflate the "But Everybody Does It!" Argument
The prevalence of obscene language in the media has made teen swearing an even bigger issue. Still, it’s a pretty lame argument to say that “Everybody does it," since it's no defense against indefensible behavior. In fact, O'Connor explains that the hostile and bitter tone of most swearing makes it a form of verbal violence. And what about the "freedom of speech" argument? Remind your kids that other people have rights, too, including the right not to be verbally assaulted by profanity.5. Build Your Teen's Sense of Dignity and Belonging
Teens may also curse to get attention or to express rebellion or anger. Try to understand what's motivating your teens' need to swear, and look for ways to build their sense of self. You might suggest they actually say, “I am so angry right now because….” to help them get at the source of the problem. Teens still need heaps of reassurance and love from their parents. If your relationship with your teens is damaged or fragile, take their swearing problem as a wake-up call that they may need professional help to deal with underlying issues of anger, rebellion, or depression.
Tips to Tame the Four-Letter Monster
Build Incentives
Offer
to treat your teens to an evening at their favorite restaurant or
something else they'll enjoy if they go for an agreed-upon stretch of
time with no swearing. This is a win-win: You have just scheduled time
with your kids that you might not otherwise have spent together.
Set Standards for Your Home
Tell
your kids, "This is a swearing-free environment," and establish
consequences for violating the house rules, such as charging a dollar
per swear word. Remember the old fashioned "Cuss Jar?" Put your money where your mouth is, and pay the same
price if you slip. Don't overreact to occasional infractions, but
in-your-face violations will require more memorable consequences, such
as withholding allowance or permission to use the car. Whatever
consequences you choose, be firm. It's your home. You are the parent.
Act like one.
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