Significant Others in Your Teen's Life

The New Year and the new school semester are both almost here. If you have never thought about it before, this is the time to pause and reflect about the influence others are beginning to have on your teen's decisions. Maybe you have noticed it already: your teen scoffs at your opinions, doesn't believe you know what you are talking about, and flaunts some statistic from the Internet as justification for his opinion. You are not the center of his universe anymore.

During the early teen years, as it should be, your child moves from internal, family-driven influences to external, world-driven views. It's common enough to think of millionaire movie stars, rappers, and athletes as influencing your child's clothing, musical preferences, body piercings and tattoos, because they do.

But, closer to home are two important groups with whom your teenager has daily interaction: friends and teachers. During most of the year, these are the two sets of people your teen sees more than he/she sees you everyday. All of us have tried to control the friends our kids hang out with, but have you ever thought of the importance of the teachers with whom your teenager interacts everyday?

I ask this because of a Duke University study which highlights the importance of the teen years in the development of adult thought patterns. According to research, addictive behaviors originate in the teen brain, but so do other innocuous but illogical and incorrect modes of thought which take years to correct, leaving the adult individual vulnerable to repeatedly making the same mistakes.

Friends are the same age as your teen, and so, probably do not have any better thought processes than your own child possesses. Therefore, contact with a caring adult who can provide a welcoming environment in which to explore and correct opinions is so essential to your child's intellectual growth. Additionally, all the studies show that students who participate in extracurricular activities led by enthused adults are more likely to complete their high school education.

No one can take your place, but someone is going to, at least temporarily. Investigating the right teachers and classes with which to place your teen at school could pay big dividends in the long run. It's something to think about for the New Year. And try Chrissie's blackeyed peas and relish for some of that luck we can all use in 2007!

Where Did It Go??

Whew. The old year is almost gone and a shiny, bright one is on it's way. Don't we all start off the new year with such good intentions? I am sure this year will be no different. Promises are made and a fresh start is only as far away as the turn of a calendar page. If anyone is hopeful for different dynamics in their family, how about making a list of what you would like to see change, and on the other side, ideas to change it.

I do know in the new year we are looking forward to hearing from you. We definitely don't have all the answers but sometimes even knowing the question helps. Often it's just beneficial having a sounding board to bounce ideas, concerns and problems off of. We have lots of topics for upcoming columns and if there is something you would like us to look into, just let us know.

One thing people keep asking is how to find the blog and how to respond. Just type in:

www.muskogeephoenix.com

Go to the bottom of the page and click on us. The Care and Feeding of Teenagers "blog" will come up. You can respond by going to the bottom of any entry and clicking on comments. Type in your comments and either use your name, the anonymous, or any pseudonym. (ex: Sleepless in Seattle). Feel free to forward the sight to interested friends and family in your address book. Comments and insight from other parents and teens is what the purpose of this blog is. We want to hear from you.

Need Luck in the New Year?

Black-Eyed Peas are a must- have on the 1st day of January.

There are fresh black-eyed peas, canned ones and dried ones. I like to cook the fresh ones with some leftover ham and salt and pepper. A chopped yellow onion is good for the broth. I have to admit I usually add a large pat of butter to the pot. Serve hot with the following:

What makes these so good is a dear friend's fresh relish.

Chop very fine

1 green pepper

1 purple onion

1 or 2 tomatoes

a jalapeno if you like

Toss with a good vinegar

(red wine or balsamic)

salt and pepper

a pinch of sugar

Chill

Serve the cold relish over a steaming bowl of black- eyed peas.

Just add a buttery slice of thin and crispy cornbread. There is

not a more delicious way to kick off 2007.

Eat Up!!! Anyone with a teen in the house

needs all the luck they can beg, borrow or steal.

Have a Happy New Year

From Melony and Chrissie

God Bless Them Everyone

Joe White is the author of many youth related books. One particularly good one is The Gift of Self Esteem. He is the president of Kanakuk and Kanakomo Kamps which host 14,000 campers each summer and is a noted speaker on family and teen issues. In his book What Kids Wish Parents Knew About Parenting, Joe quotes some interesting statistics. As a preface to the stats he writes, " I believe children have an innate, genetically programmed desire to be primarily molded by their parents or primary care givers." In other words, molded by those at home.

He first cites the doom and gloom statistics from Readers Digest, Seventeen and USA Today. We have all seen them. Five million teen alcoholics, teen pregnancy, drugs, suicide....but then Mr. White counters with statistics of his own. These statistics come from 1000 Kanakuk and Kanakomo campers. These kids historically come from strong and loving family backgrounds.

# Ninety-five percent of the boys indicated their Fathers regularly tell them "I love you."
# Ninety-eight percent of the girls say their Mothers tell them "I'm proud of you."
# Ninety-one percent of the kids say their parents play games and sports with them.
# Ninety-seven percent of the boys get hugs from their Dads.
# One-hundred percent of the girls say they get hugs from their Moms or Dads.
# 100 percent of the girls and eight-five percent of the boys remember being read to.
# Eighty-seven percent of the camp kids (up to 18 years old!) are virgins.
# Seventy two percent of the kids do not drink.

The author's survey continues but his point is clear. When given an adult who really loves them and gives them a constant example of good behavior, most teenagers really want to do the right thing. We are doing a great job of parenting when we can accept problems as challenges and meet the challenges head on with determination, self-sacrifice and enthusiasm. Joe White says that is being the hero kids need. When faced with the dangerous environment out there, these validated kids have the strength and confidence to stand committed to the right principals they are taught and shown.

I guess these old, tired homilies have stayed around because they are so true. "Home is where the Heart is", "Home is Where your Story Begins", Home Sweet Home", "Keep the Home Fires Burning", and of course, "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home".

So as the last, mad dash of Christmas is upon us, remember. As there are presents to be wrapped and pies to be made, remember. As end of year business demands pile up, remember. On that last frantic run to the discount store, to the mall or to the grocery, remember.

As we finally sit together around the Christmas table, I'm going to stop a minute. Take a deep breath and look from one face to another. This time I won't get too busy with all the "stuff" to tell my family, "I love you." Some of the pack may blush and grimace, but he or she will remember, "I love you." And then, where will those I love more than anything in the world always want to be at Christmas? Just like the song says;

Christmas Eve will find me,

Where the love light beams.

I'll be home for Christmas.

If only in my dreams.

As we sit around our table Christmas Eve, this calorie laden but delicious side dish is a Wagner must have. My own personal children would mutiny if it were not on the menu. Enjoy!

Garlic Cheese Grits

2 cups water

2 cups milk

2 tsp salt

1 cup instant grits

1 3 oz package Velveeta

1 cup extra sharp grated cheddar cheese

1 stick butter

1 tsp Worcestershire

3 eggs, slightly beaten

1 tsp (or more) minced garlic

dash cayenne

Bring salt,water and milk to a boil and slowly stir in grits. Cover and simmer for 3 minutes or until thickened. Remove from heat and temper beaten eggs with a small amount of the grits (so they will not curdle and cook) and add to grit mixture. Add Velveeta, butter, grated cheese and other seasonings. Pour into a buttered 9 x11 Pyrex dish and sprinkle with paprika. You may refrigerate for up to 24 hours. Heat in a 350 degree oven, uncovered for thirty minutes or until set and bubbly around the edges.

Now More Than Ever

I remember it clearly. It's the hugest relief when your children don't need you 24 hours a day anymore, can drive, feed themselves, even wash their own laundry. That freedom from parenting can almost lull you into complacency.

But, wait. Your teens need you now more than ever, just not in the same way. They still want you around, but act like they don't know you. They need your opinion, but act like they aren't listening. They want the safety of your love and acceptance, even though at times they do not behave very lovingly themselves and may roll their eyes at your witty quip, blatantly unaccepting of your outdated sense of humor.

And, at this age they can certainly get themselves into very serious trouble just as innocently sometimes as a 2 year old touching a hot stove and with about as much sense. They need your monitoring and involvement, calmly, quietly from afar, often from two car lengths away (smile); other times loudly applauding from the stands (but not so loudly that you actually draw attention, because that would be totally uncool).

I'm not suggesting that you follow your child around 24 - 7, and hopefully you won't have to. One of the surest ways, however, to keep track of your teen is to make your house the place everyone wants to be. At least if they are at your house, you know where they are, you know their friends, and you know what they are up to.

The friendly house with the food is usually the place everyone wants to gather. With the semester break here and everyone at home all day long, the fridge door will be open a lot. Here is a dip recipe to go along with all those chips that will be consumed this holiday season and a chocolate peanut butter fudge recipe to satsify any sweet tooth. Have the kids help cook up the recipes, watch a movie together, and enjoy the break.

I have been making this dip recipe for teenagers since I was the sponsor of the Class of 1990. It has not failed to please anyone yet!

Chili Cheese Dip
8 oz. package cream cheese
8 oz. carton sour cream
1 can jalapeno bean dip
1 package chili seasoning mix
5 drops hot sauce
1/4 cup taco sauce
2 teaspoons chopped fresh parsley or cilantro
2 1/2 cups shredded Colby Jack cheese
Beat cream cheese and sour cream until smooth. Stir in bean dip, chili seasoning, hot sauce, parsley, taco sauce, and 1 1/2 cups of cheese. Spoon into 12x8 inch pan sprayed with cooking spray. Top with remaining cheese and bake at 325 degrees for 20 minutes. Serve hot.

Glenda Broome gave me this recipe and it is truly superb. For best results you really need a candy thermometer.

Berta's Peanut Butter Fudge
1st layer: In a large stew pan, put 3 cups sugar, 12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks) margarine (NOT butter) and 2/3 cup evaporated milk. Bring to a boil until candy thermometer reaches 234 degrees. Remove from heat and stir in until melted a 12 oz. sack semi-sweet chocloate chips, 2 teaspoons vanilla, a 7 oz. jar of marshmallow cream and 1 1/2 cups pecan pieces. Pour into large buttered pan (larger than 13x9).
2nd layer: In same pan, put 3 cups sugar, 12 tabelspoons margarine, 2/3 cup evaporated milk. Bring to boil until it reaches 234 degrees on thermometer. Remove from heat and stir in a 10 oz. sack peanut butter chips, 2 teaspoons vanilla, and 7 oz. jar marshmallow cream (77 cent jar from Wal Mart will work). Stir until melted and pour over chocolate layer. Very rich, so cut into one inch squares or so. Makes alot!

All They Want For Christmas.....

Remember how easy Christmas shopping for your children used to be? Sure, you might have met a shadowy figure under a street lamp to score a Tickle Me Elmo, but the bulk of Santa's presents were found in one toy department or another. A big purchase might be a $100 Barbie Car but the rest of the list was pretty easy to fill.

Those were the good old days. You know what's coming. The BIG list. It starts in middle school and by high school, our increasingly sophisticated and savvy teens want it all. Designer names roll off their tongues. Chanel, Lacoste, Vuitton, Burberry. Communicating means Razor Phones, Blackberries, Ipod's and Laptop Computers. Levi's are out, 7's and Prada and True Religion are in. Don't forget Sound Systems, Spa Treatments, Plasma TV's and a new vehicle in the driveway, still with the paper tag on the back windshield. Ah. If wishes were fishes.

You have worked hard on instilling values and realistic expectations and it seems like it has gone out the window. Lindsey Lohan and her newest Marc Jacobs bag get their attention and they want one, just like it. Years ago my oldest daughter used her baby-sitting and Christmas money to buy a Dooney and Bourke purse. It was very important to her. I think the purse was about $200.00 and I bit my tongue as my 14 year old counted out her hard-earned cash.

I asked Annie last night if she remembered buying it and she said she still remembered how the leather smelled and how the strap felt on her shoulder. This personal child is now a grown woman. She is a wonderful wife and Mother. She is level headed and lovely and sensible. She does, however, still love a quality hand-bag!

I guess what I am saying is, if something seems so important to them and they are willing to work for it, let them. Just make sure the acquistions and getting them don't seem to be replacing school, social activities and home. (See Melanie's previous post) Of course we all know not just to buy whatever they want!!! It is not a good thing!

Remember when you were young? What would have been on your Christmas or Birthday list? I think of yellow Pappagallo shoes, a scarab bracelet, a red leather maxi coat and front row seats to James Taylor. What did you want more than anything? It's scary that when I look at my list above, I would still love the shoes, the bracelet and the James Taylor tickets. Is this called a time warp?

Here are a couple of ideas for affordable gifts that say I love you. They may help your teen get over his disappointment that the Hummer is not in the driveway.
1. An I.O.U. for a concert ticket of his or her choice
2. A gas card with x amount
3. Gift Certificates to restaurants all over town or at a particular favorite
4. The expensive hair products that you refuse to buy on a regular basis
5. A Day of Beauty. Manicure, Pedicure -The Works.
6. Hunting or Fishing Trip with like minded family and friends
7. Lessons with a Professional- golf, tennis, Scuba certification,
rock climbing, guitar- whatever their interest is.
8. Brochure and commitment for a Summer Sports Camp
9. Book of Coupons that apply to your teen and your family situation
example :
#. One free room cleaning
#. Chauffering to and from (non-driving teens)
#. Prepare Favorite Dinner Request
#. Get out of chore free card
10. A Bedroom Redo. It probably needs it. (The Spiderman or Barbie bedspread needs to go)

They're home! Enjoy this week with your family.

A Candle That Burns at Both Its Ends

Anyone who thinks that American teens are lazy does not know teenagers very well. Of course, there are the slovenly teens whom we might call "low energy" people in our politically correct world. But, I am hopeful that time and experience and owning their own home will eventually catapult those teens into the world of domestic responsibility in which ice cream bowls are not hidden under beds, Coke cans do not cover the floor, and wet towels are hung up to dry.

What I am really referring to are those teens who go to school seven hours a day, play a sport and participate in club activities, have a job, and also have chores to do at home. To their credit, many also manage to maintain straight A's. They also have homework, a social life, and church activities. This is far from lazy. This is a person putting in a fourteen to seventeen hour work day.

And, this is commendable. There is nothing wrong with hard work. It has made America great. It builds character and teaches us how to be self-sufficient. But, even for buoyant teenagers, somewhere along the line, something has to give.

To paraphrase Edna St. Vincent Millay, a candle that burns at both its ends gives off a lovely light, but it will not last the night. It won't even last through first hour at school. What ends up being cast aside is school work. If your teen is not working to put food on the table, save for college or a special ski or senior trip, pay the car insurance, car payment, or gas if you can't afford it, then it is possible your teen is robbing Peter to pay Paul, so to speak.

They say money may be here today and gone tomorrow: the only true investment is in yourself. But, too many teens are trading in an educational investment in themselves for working to have a $170 cell phone or a $160 pair of jeans, both of which will be obsolete six months from now. Maybe something we have forgotten is that doing without builds character, too, maybe as much as working a part time job. In some instances, maybe more.

But, my point is that we often conceptualize our teens as lazy, when they are really overworked and tired as dogs, both mentally and physically. We accuse them of being slow to hand in their work at school. We accuse them of forgetting to take out the trash at home. But, the human mind requires down time to rest, to absorb what it has learned, and to digest what it has observed. When does the teen have time to fit that in?

It is so easy to be critical when the trash isn't taken out, the dishes aren't done, or beds aren't made. Step back and try to assess your child's overall integrity objectively. Just tell your teen every so often that you are proud of what he/she has accomplished and acknowledge how hard they are working. And, bake some cookies. Leave them on the counter with a note. Your child will appreciate them when he comes in at 9:00 or 10:00 or 11:00 at night and then tries to hit the books for another two hours.

Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies
1 roll refrigerated peanut butter cookie dough
1 sack Hershey's Kisses
Granulated sugar
Pour some sugar onto a plate. Roll about 1 tablespoon of cookie dough into a ball. Roll in sugar. Bake according to package directions. In the meantime, unwrap the same number of Hershey's Kisses as you have cookies. After you have removed them from the oven, immediately press a Kiss into the middle of the cookie.

Chocolate Ice Box Cookies
Boil the following for 3 minutes:
1/2 cup milk
2 cups sugar
1 stick margarine (not butter)
3 tablespoons cocoa
Remove from heat and add:
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups oatmeal
Drop by spoonfuls onto cookie sheet lined with parchment paper. When one layer is full, stack another sheet on top and continue dropping by spoonfuls until done. Place in refrigerator to cool. Remove to airtight container and continue storing in fridge for better flavor.

And good luck to you and your child on those upcoming semester exams! Always - Melony

What Do I Do With Them all Christmas Break???

Merry Christmas in a house of teenagers may be an oxymoron. They're home for break and all routines and schedules go out the window. The little darlings sleep until noon, dirty dishes are piled in the sink and food provisions decrease rapidly. Music is blaring and the television is tuned to rather startling shows you never knew were on the satellite. Young men intentionally harming themselves (Jackass) and other young men intentionally stripping a victim's dignity for a laugh (Punked).

For non-driving teens, all Christmas preparations must be put aside for on the spot carpool duty. Driving ones expect regular curfews to be eased for "holiday" plans. The phone rings, the refrigerator empties and the door slams as friends file in and out.

As Mel and I will continue to remind you, this too shall pass. Make the best of the inconvenience, take a stand on the big stuff and enjoy this passage. It will be over before you know it. You think you'll never miss the pile of dirty clothes and wet towels in the bathroom? When your house is quiet, and the rooms are
neat and your children live other places, you will. You will.

Here are some suggestions to get your teen involved in Christmas and constructively occupied. It also steals a little time you can share with this often absent member of your family.
1. Put them in charge of a certain holiday food that means Christmas in your family. Identify the recipe and let them make the ingredient list, shop for the items and prepare on their own. Be available for questions and how-to advice.
2. The Angel Tree or other Community agencies are great introductions to gratitude and charity. Let your teen choose and orchestrate your family's contribution to making a difference for someone less fortunate.
3. If your child is creative and artsy, ask him or her to set the table for your sit down or buffet meal and to design the centerpiece, place cards, etc. Something as simple as Christmas morning breakfast, or let them drag out serving pieces and candlesticks that are in the back of your cupboard. It's a great time to talk about Great Aunt Mamie's butter dish and how she always made butter curls for Christmas Eve Dinner. Or the time the candles caught the holly on fire at Nanie and Daddy Har's and how exciting it was as a child to stand in the front yard with all the cousins as the fire truck screeched up! Share these memories. It gives your children roots and a sense of who they are.
4. Put older teens on Christmas Light Duty. Strap in small children and wave goodbye as your responsible and conscientious off-spring drive their younger family members on a Christmas light tour. RUN back into the house with your adult family. Visit for just a minute with a nice glass of wine or steaming Cappuccino before making the gravy and putting the rolls in.
5. Cookie Decorating is a great party for girls. I suggest you have the cookies cut out and baked ahead, then ice and decorate at the party. Multi-colored sprinkles, vibrant icings, red hots and silver BB's keep them busy and sharing a positive, girl time together. Pack up in small tins and send home with each guest.
6. Boy parties..hmmm, any suggestions that do not involve girls???

A recipe I would share that is a tradition in our family is "The Pink Stuff ":

Combine in a mixer or food processor. Beat until smooth:
2 cups sour cream
1 tbsp lemon juice
3/4 cup sugar
3 ripe bananas
Fold in:
1 sack of frozen strawberries, thawed
1/2 c chopped pecans
1 can mandarin oranges-drained
Pour in mold or Pyrex dish - cover and freeze.
This may be made ahead and will last at least a week.

If you have read this entry and cannot identify traditions in your family, it's not too late! Start something this Christmas and by the time your teen goes to college, it will be your family's special way of celebrating. If you need ideas, just let us know. We've got a million of them!!!!
Peace and Happy Times this Christmas season! Chrissie

Welcome to The Care and Feeding of Teenagers

If you are reading this blog, it is possible that you are also wondering what alien has taken over your child's body. Or, you may have just prepared a lovely family dinner, only to find that it will be just you and your husband at home tonight, as your teen's sporting event was rescheduled for today without warning. Or, you may have found that your once talkative child now mumbles one word answers and wears flip-flops in the winter.

Never fear. This is only a stage we call the teenaged years. Depending on your child, this may last roughly from the ages of twelve to twenty-five (or beyond). But, don't worry, for this too shall pass. In fact, it does pass all too quickly, even though throughout these years you may be crying, yelling (something you swore you'd never do), crying, laughing, screaming (just accelerated yelling), sighing, clapping, driving constantly, threatening, beaming, hugging, dreading, jumping for joy, crying (because it does pass all too quickly), and loving (most certainly).

Sometimes people have no trouble whatsoever from their teenagers. We call this an anomaly. Most of us pray that we all, our teenagers and us, make it out alive. This blog is written with the goal of sharing our experiences and expertise to help others live more effectively with their teenagers. Look for recipes and party menus, as well as topics ranging from picking your battles with a thirteen-year-old to paying for college. We sincerely hope it helps with the care and feeding of your teenager. You can join in the discussion by posting comments to the blog.

Barbara Staggs was a great mother and educator. She was a teacher, principal, superintendent, and worked hard for education reform as a State Representative. This was her son Matt's favorite recipe when he was in high school. It's very easy to make and can be reheated for those late-night teen hunger attacks. Serve with a side salad and garlic bread.

Matt's Goolash
1 lb. elbow macaroni, cooked
1/2 lb. Velveeta, cubed
1 packet spaghetti sauce mix
1 lb. lean hamburger, browned and drained
1 4 oz. can tomato sauce or more to taste
salt and pepper to taste
Mix all ingredients in Dutch oven on top of stove. Heat over medium flame, stirring frequently until cheese melts and flavors are mingled.