Be There

An article in the Tulsa World featured Union Public Schools' implementation of a new nation-wide plan called Be There. Be There's goal is to reconnect families by offering suggestions for maximizing time with one's children.

For people with teenagers, this is often a challenge. As Chrissie and I have suggested before, establishing a family dinner time is the most effective way to be there for the kids. Research indicates that a common factor among successful high school students, such as National Merit Finalists, is to eat dinner together every night right from the start and maintaining that time through high school. But trying to meet for dinner is difficult once your child begins having athletic practices and/or a job.

According to the Be There Web site, when there are family dinner opportunities, parents should ask teens questions to stretch the imagination, such as "if you you were the most intelligent person on earth, what would you do with your intelligence?" Asking these kinds of questions makes your child go beyond mere yes/no, one-syllable answers and creates a dialogue between parent and teen.

Still, all-in-all there are not many suggestions for connecting with older children. As pointed out before, early connection is the best way to make it through the teen years. Simple things like hugs, making eye contact with one's child, and making even chores a shared project can forge those connections.

A common chorus from teenagers and older children is "you don't really know me." As shocking as that sounds, they could be right. As our children mature to adulthood, they become their own person and without communication, it is entirely possible that they are completely different as adults. Being there for them every step of the way helps keep in touch with what kind of people they are becoming, so that fewer missteps can occur on their way to living a happy, successful adult life.

For more information go to the national campaign, bethere.org. Way to be there, parents!

If You're A Dad.........

Father's Day is Sunday. As Bill Cosby says, " Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap- on- a- rope." Be prepared to ooh and ahh over bad ties, books you will never read and yet another set of Bar-B-Que tools.

You men are just hard to buy for. A popular bumper sticker is, "the difference between men and boys is the price of their toys." A Transformer or Spiderman Web Thrower is do-able, an Arctic Cat or new Bass boat is usually not. As you open the Father's Day presents this year, look at the real gifts, grinning back at you. The smiling faces of your children.

Dad means a lot of different things today. Have you ever thought about what Father means at your house? Good Dad is active, participating, encouraging and involved. Passive, sidelined, negative and pre-occupied is Bad Dad. These little people called children are like sponges. The learn what they live. Fathers are 1/2 the factor that determines the men and women our children will become. Kind of sobering isn't it?

Let me turn this gift thing around. How about this Father's Day, you re-evaluate the Dad you are. After some introspection, if all things seem copacetic, good for you. If little alarm bells are going off, good for you too. Identifying potential Bad Dad baggage is half the battle. The beauty is, your children love you so much, they are ready, willing and able to let you re-program.

The first gift to give our children is a Father and Mother who love and respect each other. This is a unified couple that kids know they can depend on and who model a good marriage. A good marriage takes work and commitment. A good marriage is not a perfect marriage, but through good and bad times, children see their parents work things out, together.

Other important gifts we give our kids are a moral compass and a good work ethic. A strong and unwavering belief system of right and wrong is imperative in a family. How we "do things" and how we contribute as human beings should be assimilated as children grow and mature. Also, to succeed and live abundantly requires discipline and hard work. Children should know all things are not given, whether it be material possessions, success in school or respect from the world who watches us.

Maybe the hardest one of all is the gift of time. Dinner at the table. Conversation over a carburetor. Dad taking his 13 year old daughter to the mall for a shopping trip. Television's off. Game Boards out. Less golf on Saturday. More family time, doing what you mutually enjoy, together. Give Mom a night off and Dad and kids cook dinner. Plan road trips. Build a fort or a playhouse together. Splurge on tickets to anything you and (or) your children love- George Strait, a Muscle Car Show, a Daddy and Me Dance, a traveling Broadway musical, a museum exhibit....broaden their vision of the world and at the same time, they will always associate the experience with you.

Teach faith. Live healthy. Speak kindly. Give generously. Model success. Speak the truth. Love unconditionally. Encourage and exhort. Laugh often. Discipline fairly. Be consistent. Be trustworthy. Sacrifice. Be open. Keep growing. Listen.....and keep learning

Freud said he could not think of anything in childhood as strong as the need to feel protected by one's Father. If you are a Father, take the time to tell your children you love them. Tell them why you are proud of who they are and what they are becoming. Plan something to do together. Your child needs to hear and believe in all the world, they are your #1 priority. Of course they are, but sometimes, as living gets so complicated, it's easy to forget.

May the Circle Remain Unbroken Redux

Chrissie's loving post about her new grandchild and her family's having come full circle reminded me of an online conversation I had a few weeks ago. I was monitoring posts on the Charlaine Harris website (she is a novelist living in Fayettville, AR.) when "Hockeymom" mentioned that she had just recently apologized to her mother for her behavior as a teenager. She told her mother how much she loved her and appreciated her. What prompted this apology was that "Hockeymom" was now herself the mother of a 14-year-old son.

I loved the fact that she apologized to her mom. Have you had that conversation with your parents yet? I remember rather sheepishly saying "sorry" to my dad, too, for whatever grief, however small it may have been, that I caused him and my mother, who passed away 22 years ago, just a few months before the birth of my first child.

I have missed having my mom here tremendously, to give child-rearing advice and to get to know the two super people her grandchildren have become. I wish I could have had a chance to apologize to her, too. Once you are on the other side of the parenting issue, every uncool action your parents took, which seemed so stupid to you at the time, becomes crystal clear.

Life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards.

There are lessons to be learned from this. One is that for now, it's our turn to be the uncool parents who monitor the Internet, phone usage, and tv. We impose limits, such as bedtimes, the money dole, curfews, and how many text messages we are willing to pay for (none, as far as I'm concerned, until Cingular, or ATT, or whatever they are going to call themselves, makes incoming text messages free).

Our children may be exhibiting a great disdain for us and our rules right now. But, we know that they will all too quickly be on the other side of the teen years and will clearly understand why we imposed certain restrictions, while "everyone else's parents let them ... " Be confident in this solidly nerdy stance. We know we are right. We must brace ourselves for the evil looks, the tears, the slammed doors, the silent treatment. We all will survive the teenage years. And, we won't have to say "I told you so" or mutter something about payback under our breath, because chances are, if we do things right, our children will end up apologizing to us, too. And, scary thought, alot of their ideas about how to treat us will come from what they have observed about how we treat our parents now, so beware!

Secondly, we may be making decisions we think are right for our children at the moment, but for which we may later be sorry. Examples could be not making them take harder classes during middle school and high school, letting them quit a sport or music lesson, allowing them to work too many hours and miss all their high school activities, or letting them continue going out with that guy we feel uneasy about. Alot of the confusion can come from the fact that we are tired of fighting or are going through the final stages of our own growing up.

For all of us, life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards. So, I guess my point is that life flies at us so quickly, in the confusion we want to work it out so that we make it to the point that Chrissie describes in her last post. That is the ultimate goal. A simple Cherokee proverb probably best describes the way to come full circle in life:

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

If we can just make that our credo when dealing with a frustrating teenager who stayed out past curfew again, or forgot his math book on his dresser again and we have to drive it out to the school, or any myriad of things a teen can do to aggravate and annoy, then the apology is well on its way, even though it doesn't really have to be said. Live life forward with intent, so that when you look back you don't need do-overs. As cliche as it is, leave a legacy. That's all there is to it.

Oh, and.....thanks, Mom, for putting up with the teenaged me. Now I know. I forgot to mention, too, that seven years later on the day my mom passed away, my beautiful neice, Katy, was born. As Chrissie so aptly put it, may the circle remain unbroken for all of us!

Katy's Favorite Angel Food Cake Dessert

1 angel food cake, prepared

1 package Dream Whip (will need milk and vanilla, too)

1 container frozen strawberries with syrup

Tear up angel food cake into bite-sized pieces in medium-large bowl. Prepare Dream Whip according to directions. Pour strawberries (I do drain mine just a little tiny little bit) onto angel food cake and mix gently. Gently fold in Dream Whip. Chill until ready to serve, but does get soggy after a few hours.

Welcome to The Care and Feeding of Teenagers

If you are reading this blog, it is possible that you are also wondering what alien has taken over your child's body. Or, you may have just prepared a lovely family dinner, only to find that it will be just you and your husband at home tonight, as your teen's sporting event was rescheduled for today without warning. Or, you may have found that your once talkative child now mumbles one word answers and wears flip-flops in the winter.

Never fear. This is only a stage we call the teenaged years. Depending on your child, this may last roughly from the ages of twelve to twenty-five (or beyond). But, don't worry, for this too shall pass. In fact, it does pass all too quickly, even though throughout these years you may be crying, yelling (something you swore you'd never do), crying, laughing, screaming (just accelerated yelling), sighing, clapping, driving constantly, threatening, beaming, hugging, dreading, jumping for joy, crying (because it does pass all too quickly), and loving (most certainly).

Sometimes people have no trouble whatsoever from their teenagers. We call this an anomaly. Most of us pray that we all, our teenagers and us, make it out alive. This blog is written with the goal of sharing our experiences and expertise to help others live more effectively with their teenagers. Look for recipes and party menus, as well as topics ranging from picking your battles with a thirteen-year-old to paying for college. We sincerely hope it helps with the care and feeding of your teenager. You can join in the discussion by posting comments to the blog.

Barbara Staggs was a great mother and educator. She was a teacher, principal, superintendent, and worked hard for education reform as a State Representative. This was her son Matt's favorite recipe when he was in high school. It's very easy to make and can be reheated for those late-night teen hunger attacks. Serve with a side salad and garlic bread.

Matt's Goolash
1 lb. elbow macaroni, cooked
1/2 lb. Velveeta, cubed
1 packet spaghetti sauce mix
1 lb. lean hamburger, browned and drained
1 4 oz. can tomato sauce or more to taste
salt and pepper to taste
Mix all ingredients in Dutch oven on top of stove. Heat over medium flame, stirring frequently until cheese melts and flavors are mingled.