The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey
I have mentioned Dr. Lashley's courses in education at Northeastern State University. He is a certified Covey trainer and bases some of his course material on the 7 Habits books. During a lecture for the Great Expectations program, he outlined the four parenting styles from optimal to disastrous. Where do you fall in the parenting style order?
1. Win-Win Authoritative Parenting - in this style parents model competency. They show their children what competent adults do and how they become that way. They don't punish when they are angry. They try to show logically why behaviors are necessary. They maintain an atmosphere is the home in which children can grow to become healthy, competent adults themselves.
2. Win-Lose Authoritarian Parenting - in this style the parents win at the expense of the child. The parents punish when angry without giving a reason beyond "I said so." Parents ignore their children's needs because they are often obsessed with their own. They make their children's decisions, rather than helping their children arrive at logical conclusions. They produce dependent children.
3. Lose-Win Parenting. In this style the parents lose because they cow-tow to their children's every whim and desire. Parents take the blame for everything their children do and never let their kids suffer any consequences for bad behavior, or they find excuses for their child. This produces hostile and immature offspring.
4. Lose-Lose. This is negligence. It knows no monetary bounds, although we commonly think of impoverished families in cases of negligence. Drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental illness can contribute to negligence, as well as just ignorance. This produces people with a shame-based identity and poor self-esteem.
Many people struggle with their upbringing throughout much of their lives. Perhaps you recognize your parents' style in the list. Maybe you recognize your own parenting style there. If you are still struggling, there is time to come to terms with the past before you transfer that behavior over to your own children. As Dr. Lashley says, parents do the best they can with what they know. It's time to get smart!
Make a deposit into your teen's emotional bank account by baking some Hershey's "Hugs". Tuxedo Brownie Hugs Cookies
1 package Hersheys Hugs, 1 package Original Supreme Brownie Mix with Hershey's Syrup Pouch, 1/4 cup Hershey's cocoa, 1/4 cup water, 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 2 eggs:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Remove wrappers from Hershey's Hugs. Grease and flour cookie sheet. Stir brownie mix, Hershey's syrup pouch, cocoa, water, oil and eggs in medium bowl until well blended. Drop by scant teaspoon fulls onto prepared cookie sheet. Bake 8 minutes or until set. Cool 1 minute. Press Hug kisses into center of each cookie. Remove to wire rack to cool.
7 comments:
if what i observe is any indiction, a majority of parenting falls in the #3 category. Kids are pretty much allowed to make most decisions-good or bad and consequences are non-existent for poor choices and poor behavior.
Unfortunately, I think you are right. I also think in this new age of teens having jobs, cars, cell phones, and even babies, parents don't know what to do to hold kids accountable for their actions. How do you take away a car (or cell phone, Spring Break trip, etc.)that your teen paid for him/herself? How do you make your child mind when he/she has a job and is by all other rights and means (except age) a working adult?
I could go one step further and say it's blatantly obvious our nation doesn't care about our teenagers, either. Where are magazine articles dealing with this very subject, offering advice and strategies? The federal government instituted No Child Left Behind, but not the means or funding for public schools to uphold and enforce it. Nowhere will you see an article about the startling number of kids who have jobs and how many hours they work everyday. Do you ever see an article about teen depression? It's like teen problems have just disappeared. Teenagers are a forgotten crowd better left to their own devices. Out of sight, out of mind.
My G-son made a comment the other day that gave me the opportunity to make sure he understands that the person or persons, who make the house payment, buys the groceries, and foots the bill for all the "creature comforts" of said house ( lights, heat, phone, TV, Xbox, etc.,), gets to make the rules for said household.
His remark was that he would be so glad when he was old enough to drive so he could work and get the clothes he wants and have some fun.I ask him whose car he was going to drive and he replied quiet seriously,, "the one you guys are going to buy me"...I told him he better start saving his allowance...
Kids just take for granted now that at age 16 they are entitled to be given a car. Key word here is "given". Many of us have "given" our kids cars. And we give them spending money, and we let them go out with friends we don't even know, and never mind that the child has not picked up a single item of clothing off their bedroom floor in 3 years or done one assignment of homework! Driving is a privalege, not an entitlement.
I don't have a problem with G-son driving and getting a job in a few years. And don't tell him, but I am sure we will most likely get him a car. ( though it will not be the fancy sports car he seems to think every kid is supposed to have. ) But it is now understood that even if he works and pays for his clothes, senior trip, etc.,,we must approve of the clothing, the trip, and etc...As soon as a child begins to work, that child needs to learn how real life works. In real life, you don't get to buy the expensive clothes, the expensive toys, take trips, until all the bills are paid!
I can see and hear all of you kids glaring at me and saying "what a witch"! (Thats "Mrs". Witch to you!)
For most of us real people out here in the world, life is not lived the same for us as it is for the Paris Hiltons of the world. Life is tough and we have to learn how to pay the bills first. And unfortunately, most of us will not become wealthy being cute..So if your child is working, saving some money, helping out around the house without a court order, and learning to be a "responsible" adult, then you have successfully done your job of parenting. On the other hand, if your child is working just to buy expensive clothes, expensive toys, and to take trips, and does not contribute to the home, or have a savings account, then they are not yet becoming an adult.
Our agreement with G-son is that when he begins to work, a portion of his earnings will go into a savings account, instead of having him to "pay rent" because fortunately, we do not "need" his money. He will continue to do the same chores at home he does now. As long as he lives under our roof, he must live by our rules. I suppose one could say he is an "adult in training"....
One more thing..
I think many parents are guilty of giving their kids as much "stuff" as possible, because they have a nurotic need for everyone to see them ( the Parent ) as "successful". We are more guilty of "keeping up with the Hiltons" than the kids are! We go into debt just to prove to one another we can buy our kids anything they want...It's our status symbol to be able to buy anything our kids want. WE need to upstage Paris Hilton's Parents and we are teaching our kids "having a lot of stuff" is the most important thing in life...Sad isn't it??
Everything you've said is true. All of this materialism may be good for the economy, but it's not good for our kids. I guess, though, that it is the normal outcome of post WWII thinking about life being better for the next generation, and better, and better, and then here we are...
You are right, they are supposed to be adults in training. Many kids do work to pay their car payments or insurance. A car, nice clothes, spending money have all come to be viewed as essential creature comforts, too!
It so true! We are a very materialistic society. And I will be the first to admit, I love my "creature comforts"..lol
What we are trying to teach our G-son is the basic principles of survival in this materialistic world; Education, a helpful hand to your fellow man, honesty, integrity,Education, always do your best in all things, be on time, Education, and last but not least, make sure your underwear is clean!
Ambition is a wonderful thing. Without it, a life is wasted. And my concern is that many kids are growing up to value "things" over honesty and integrity, education, and and love of fellow man..Not ALL kids,,,but a large portion of them. And it will be the kids who have worked hard to get an education that will be paying the price to support those future adults who only wanted the material things in their youth.
CaveDwellers
Yes, this generation is going to be very frustrated because I do think a small portion of them will be trying to hire the other part of them and won't have very competent workers! Maybe they will grow up, but I hate to think of the really good kids struggling against the weight of pulling along the dead weight of their generation.
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