I have had an interesting 2 1/2 weeks observing the eating habits of the 14 to 17 year-olds in captivity now that school has started. I have to say, I am actually impressed with what they choose to eat.
Institutional food is never extremely good. All in all, students do not complain about lunch too much nowadays. I have a theory about this: they are starving.
But, also, lunches are different today than when most parents were in school. It used to be that a tray lunch was all that was available and it was decent, even on mystery meat days. During the mid-70's to early 80's students could go off campus for lunch, zipping as far away as Chets or McDonald's, both on the west side of town. There was also the mad dash to My Place, gulping down the giant-sized tea, which resulted inevitably in needing a hallpass to the restroom, but the small amount of freedom to leave campus at will was exhilarating.
As campuses were closed in the late 80's and early 90's, fast food moved onto campus. Things like Subway, Mazzio's, Arby's and McDonald's made their way into the cafeteria, but that was not to last long. It was quickly replaced by the cafeteria's own attempt at fast food, a move which put institutional food back into the green as a money maker. A big draw was Homecookin' Thursday consisting of good ol' chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy. Mm-Mm good.
Today's cafeteria food is all about chicken nuggets, pizza, Mexican food and salads. There is even cappuccino and cheesecake. A vegetarian is still hard pressed to eek out a meal, but it's coming soon.
And technology has entered the high school cafeteria, as well. No more stealing some one's lunch number, as today's students enter their pin number on a keypad and up pops their picture, right there for the lunch lady to see.
One thing I have not seen in a couple of years is anyone packing a lunchbox. I think that might just be a sign that the prospect of getting good cafeteria food is looking up. For the 14 to 17 year-olds spending their days in captivity, that is good news, indeed.
A big thanks to Irma Crank and the MHS cafeteria staff, as well as to all cafeteria staffs at schools everywhere! Thanks for the daily feeding of our children. Have a great year!
CaveDweller sends along this recipe for the hungry teenagers in your life and any hungry adults who might be out there, too.
Soda Pop Apple Dumplings
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
2 cans Crescent rolls
2 to 3 apples peeled, cored and cut into 8 to 12 large slices
1 Cup Brown sugar ( firmly packed) White sugar if using Mountain Dew
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1 and 1/2 sticks of butter ( not margarine )
16 to 18 ounces Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew (The CaveDwellers prefer Dr. Pepper )
A little Pam cooking spray
Lay out each crescent roll flat on a flat surface. Using fingers, gently press each roll to flatten a bit and to make large enough to wrap around an apple slice and seal by pinching dough. ( Lay apple slice at larger end and roll )
Place in 9 x 13 baking dish sprayed lightly with Pam.
Mix sugar and cinnamon and sprinkle over top of dumplings.
Melt butter and drizzle over dumplings.
Gently pour the Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew over all.
Bake approximately 45 minutes or until golden brown.
Serve warm with ice cream or simply enjoy as is!
Friday, August 31, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
"Step" Up To The Plate
I've got to leave the television off in the afternoons. Yesterday Dr. Phil featured a horrific clip of a new step father interacting with his wife and her children. The man was in a shouting match with this angry woman and her 12 year old son. Two young girls sat on the couch in fetal positions and a toddler cried at the parents feet. At one point the baby was putting her little hands over her ears and screaming. Didn't even faze the combatants. The language used by the adults and the boy; the gestures, the tone, the irrational and erratic logic and the incredible violence.......these children don't have a chance.
Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a step family before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, new found commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, step families face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.
Yours, Mine and Ours is even on greeting cards. These mergers are at the best difficult and at the worst, caustic and damaging. Credit goes to families who have made these partnerships work for themselves and their children. It is an ongoing and delicate process to ease children into a new family dynamic and a partner into a role of care-giver and provider for children that are not theirs. It takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.
It is those hook-ups that are not thought out or addressed that has become a major problem. Many single parents are quickly jumping into yet another relationship. Issues are not addressed, children are not considered, ground rules are not established. Young lives are rearranged yet again, but without a game plan.
Can you imagine bringing someone into your home that you met on the Internet? Just this week a news story warned of the danger to your family. Man and woman meet on-line. Man marries woman. Surprise. Man is a pedophile with the grand plan to exploit this woman's young children. This Mother allowed a man she barely knew to come into her family's life because she was "lonely" and he had a good job. Her children will forever suffer for their Mother's haste in finding a companion. Her need was placed before the needs of her children.
Second marriages should be a process. Getting to know another person takes time. For any parent, the children involved should be the first concern. Below are guidelines from http://www.helpguide.org/
Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a step family before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, new found commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, step families face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.
Yours, Mine and Ours is even on greeting cards. These mergers are at the best difficult and at the worst, caustic and damaging. Credit goes to families who have made these partnerships work for themselves and their children. It is an ongoing and delicate process to ease children into a new family dynamic and a partner into a role of care-giver and provider for children that are not theirs. It takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.
It is those hook-ups that are not thought out or addressed that has become a major problem. Many single parents are quickly jumping into yet another relationship. Issues are not addressed, children are not considered, ground rules are not established. Young lives are rearranged yet again, but without a game plan.
Can you imagine bringing someone into your home that you met on the Internet? Just this week a news story warned of the danger to your family. Man and woman meet on-line. Man marries woman. Surprise. Man is a pedophile with the grand plan to exploit this woman's young children. This Mother allowed a man she barely knew to come into her family's life because she was "lonely" and he had a good job. Her children will forever suffer for their Mother's haste in finding a companion. Her need was placed before the needs of her children.
Second marriages should be a process. Getting to know another person takes time. For any parent, the children involved should be the first concern. Below are guidelines from http://www.helpguide.org/
Building a Life together: A Review of the Dos and Don'ts
1.Do reassure children that the divorce/death was not their fault. Invite questions and discussion.
2. Do start talking with your children about the possibility of blending your family long before your marriage. Be tolerant of outbursts in children when you tell them about the re-marriage. Typically, they hope for reconciliation between the two biological parents. Realize children are suffering a loss during divorce.
2. Do start talking with your children about the possibility of blending your family long before your marriage. Be tolerant of outbursts in children when you tell them about the re-marriage. Typically, they hope for reconciliation between the two biological parents. Realize children are suffering a loss during divorce.
3. Assure children that they will continue to have a relationship with the non-live in parent.
4. Don't push your children into creating relationships. Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally.
5. Don't expect your stepchildren to call you mom or dad. Let them decide what they want to call you. Their comfort level is important here.
6. Do expect and accept different feelings between parent, child, stepparent, and stepchild.
7. Do establish a unified parenting approach that is evenly applied to everyone in the family. Create a solid bond that demonstrates stability and a sense that the new couple is in charge. Reach agreement with your new partner on how to address the important, unanticipated parenting situations that arise.
8. Don't forget your marriage by focusing exclusively on the family. Make alone time with your spouse consistently. Nurture your marital relationship. Raising children is a challenge under any circumstances. Raising other peoples children is a special challenge. Having a strong marriage will help you blend your families together.
9. Do spend some time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time each day to connect one-on-one with all the children in your new family.
10. Do hold family meetings.
11. Do establish new traditions. The new step family has no shared family history, no shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. You will want to honor some existing traditions and rituals and develop others in the new family setting.
12. Do respect former spouses parenting. Make sure he has quality time with his child/children.
Perhaps digressing but I do have an aside. It is my opinion only. If our children are to be taught morals and about committment, we must model the behaviors. Though dating is an old-fashioned word, single parents should participate in this practice. Evenings end and respective parties adjourn to to their own homes. It is not acceptable to entertain overnight guests with ones children in the next bedroom. (I assume my opinion on single parents living together without benefit of marriage is an obvious one.)
4. Don't push your children into creating relationships. Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally.
5. Don't expect your stepchildren to call you mom or dad. Let them decide what they want to call you. Their comfort level is important here.
6. Do expect and accept different feelings between parent, child, stepparent, and stepchild.
7. Do establish a unified parenting approach that is evenly applied to everyone in the family. Create a solid bond that demonstrates stability and a sense that the new couple is in charge. Reach agreement with your new partner on how to address the important, unanticipated parenting situations that arise.
8. Don't forget your marriage by focusing exclusively on the family. Make alone time with your spouse consistently. Nurture your marital relationship. Raising children is a challenge under any circumstances. Raising other peoples children is a special challenge. Having a strong marriage will help you blend your families together.
9. Do spend some time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time each day to connect one-on-one with all the children in your new family.
10. Do hold family meetings.
11. Do establish new traditions. The new step family has no shared family history, no shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. You will want to honor some existing traditions and rituals and develop others in the new family setting.
12. Do respect former spouses parenting. Make sure he has quality time with his child/children.
Perhaps digressing but I do have an aside. It is my opinion only. If our children are to be taught morals and about committment, we must model the behaviors. Though dating is an old-fashioned word, single parents should participate in this practice. Evenings end and respective parties adjourn to to their own homes. It is not acceptable to entertain overnight guests with ones children in the next bedroom. (I assume my opinion on single parents living together without benefit of marriage is an obvious one.)
Friday, August 24, 2007
It's Going to be a Good Year
This one's coming from my heart. There's no research behind this, just sheer emotion.
We are into the second week of classes at Muskogee High School. The new renovations to the cafeteria, along with the improved technology which is still being installed, has perked up everyone's spirits. Although there were glitches in some things, for instance all my documents are missing from my hard drive and the air conditioner in my building was fried by the accident affecting the substation transformers near Main and Shawnee, everyone - the teachers and students - seems to be taking these small inconveniences in stride. It's unbelievable how great everyone's attitude has been.
I have no solid evidence, but I think something has changed. Attribute it to the renovations at MHS; to No Child Left Behind tests looming closer and closer to the 2010 graduation mark; to the realization all over the country that the gangsta lifestyle is not going to get anyone anywhere (including the founders of BET network who recently came out against the overwhelming gangster image of African Americans in the media and the overwhelming disillusionment by people of all colors with Michael Vic and his pit bull-fighting-gambling-bling-bling lifestyle which has him now facing a prison sentence); to the burgeoning attitude in America once again that we are all responsible for the state of affairs in our country - from the megalomaniacal corporate presidents making a ridiculous hundred-million-dollar salary a year to the out-of-control Britni Spears and her pals.
Who knows what is causing it, but I see a return to sanity taking shape in America. I could be wrong, but teens seem more *All American* these days. Sure, they still exhibit a little rebellious behavior and enjoy teenaged pranks, but overall they seem to be expecting more accountability from their pop culture idols and from themselves. I think it's a ray of hope for our country.
Of course, it's still only August. Ask me again in May when it's the end of the school year and everyone's tired and I may have a different answer. But, I don't think so.
I think it's going to be a very good year.
We are into the second week of classes at Muskogee High School. The new renovations to the cafeteria, along with the improved technology which is still being installed, has perked up everyone's spirits. Although there were glitches in some things, for instance all my documents are missing from my hard drive and the air conditioner in my building was fried by the accident affecting the substation transformers near Main and Shawnee, everyone - the teachers and students - seems to be taking these small inconveniences in stride. It's unbelievable how great everyone's attitude has been.
I have no solid evidence, but I think something has changed. Attribute it to the renovations at MHS; to No Child Left Behind tests looming closer and closer to the 2010 graduation mark; to the realization all over the country that the gangsta lifestyle is not going to get anyone anywhere (including the founders of BET network who recently came out against the overwhelming gangster image of African Americans in the media and the overwhelming disillusionment by people of all colors with Michael Vic and his pit bull-fighting-gambling-bling-bling lifestyle which has him now facing a prison sentence); to the burgeoning attitude in America once again that we are all responsible for the state of affairs in our country - from the megalomaniacal corporate presidents making a ridiculous hundred-million-dollar salary a year to the out-of-control Britni Spears and her pals.
Who knows what is causing it, but I see a return to sanity taking shape in America. I could be wrong, but teens seem more *All American* these days. Sure, they still exhibit a little rebellious behavior and enjoy teenaged pranks, but overall they seem to be expecting more accountability from their pop culture idols and from themselves. I think it's a ray of hope for our country.
Of course, it's still only August. Ask me again in May when it's the end of the school year and everyone's tired and I may have a different answer. But, I don't think so.
I think it's going to be a very good year.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Just Need A New Title
Summer is over at the Wagner's. After a rather uneventful three months, (insert an audible sigh of relief here), Last Born journeyed once again up I-40 to continue his education. He and middle sister are now hopefully attending classes, continuing with part time jobs and in general enjoying the best four years of their lives. I'm delighted they have the opportunities offered them. I also miss them. I really, really miss them.
As discussed previously, this empty nest thing doesn't get easier. It just gets more familiar. My husband and I will now settle back into a calm house. The washer doesn't go every hour, leftovers last for days and days and our plans don't revolve around anyone elses. It is incredibly quiet here.
I quit teaching two years ago, eager to get back to my "old" life. I sort of forgot that when I started my teaching career , there were four Wagner children at home. As anyone reading this knows, an active family, friends, church, community, maintaining a home... do not stop because of a job. There are still Science Fairs and Stuco trips and cheerleader practices and altar guild and Church Bazaars and weddings and birthday parties and funerals. There is still laundry to do and car repairs and dental appointments and yards to mow. You don't stop going to the theatre or attending tennis tournaments or walking your block for a needy cause. Life is full when everyone is home. Life is busy and vibrant and ever-changing. It's just that you are so preoccupied with living it, you don't notice it passing by.
I am noticing it now. Who are we when our titles change? What do I write in that little space marked "occupation"? Stay at a Home Mom? No. Current career? Not at this time. Future plans? Not quite sure about them. How to still feel viable and necessary? How to still feel contributing? I don't want to watch that parade go by, I want to be somewhere marching in it.
I really thought I was ready to "be home". Now, I sort of don't think I am. This middle of your life deal is just that. The middle. Not the end. There has just got to be more waiting to happen. Can't there be new beginnings? New adventures? New things to learn. New people to meet?
I interviewed for a college recruiter job last week. I was terrified. I knew they were probably looking for someone younger and almost turned my car back around. I didn't. It was good for me. Five strangers on the interview panel. Thinking on my feet. Answering to the best of my ability. It was good for me. I thought the interview went well. My prior job experience and own personality seemed a perfect fit. It was a challenging and interesting work environment. As I left the building, I wondered which window would be my office.
The window turned out to not be a problem. I didn't get the job. But, I keep telling myself, it was good for me.
Stepping out of your comfort zone is not easy. Bridge with friends, playing with my grand babies, a quiet dinner with my husband or planning a family holiday, these are all life's pleasures. OU football games this fall, directing The Hobbit (coming in November) for Muskogee's younger actors, playing Bells at my church, also activities that I enjoy. But I already know how to do these things. It's the challenges that keep us young. It's new things. It's new ideas. It's that feeling of accomplishment that new experiences offer.
Ok Life. Seriously. Bring em' on. I'm ready.
As discussed previously, this empty nest thing doesn't get easier. It just gets more familiar. My husband and I will now settle back into a calm house. The washer doesn't go every hour, leftovers last for days and days and our plans don't revolve around anyone elses. It is incredibly quiet here.
I quit teaching two years ago, eager to get back to my "old" life. I sort of forgot that when I started my teaching career , there were four Wagner children at home. As anyone reading this knows, an active family, friends, church, community, maintaining a home... do not stop because of a job. There are still Science Fairs and Stuco trips and cheerleader practices and altar guild and Church Bazaars and weddings and birthday parties and funerals. There is still laundry to do and car repairs and dental appointments and yards to mow. You don't stop going to the theatre or attending tennis tournaments or walking your block for a needy cause. Life is full when everyone is home. Life is busy and vibrant and ever-changing. It's just that you are so preoccupied with living it, you don't notice it passing by.
I am noticing it now. Who are we when our titles change? What do I write in that little space marked "occupation"? Stay at a Home Mom? No. Current career? Not at this time. Future plans? Not quite sure about them. How to still feel viable and necessary? How to still feel contributing? I don't want to watch that parade go by, I want to be somewhere marching in it.
I really thought I was ready to "be home". Now, I sort of don't think I am. This middle of your life deal is just that. The middle. Not the end. There has just got to be more waiting to happen. Can't there be new beginnings? New adventures? New things to learn. New people to meet?
I interviewed for a college recruiter job last week. I was terrified. I knew they were probably looking for someone younger and almost turned my car back around. I didn't. It was good for me. Five strangers on the interview panel. Thinking on my feet. Answering to the best of my ability. It was good for me. I thought the interview went well. My prior job experience and own personality seemed a perfect fit. It was a challenging and interesting work environment. As I left the building, I wondered which window would be my office.
The window turned out to not be a problem. I didn't get the job. But, I keep telling myself, it was good for me.
Stepping out of your comfort zone is not easy. Bridge with friends, playing with my grand babies, a quiet dinner with my husband or planning a family holiday, these are all life's pleasures. OU football games this fall, directing The Hobbit (coming in November) for Muskogee's younger actors, playing Bells at my church, also activities that I enjoy. But I already know how to do these things. It's the challenges that keep us young. It's new things. It's new ideas. It's that feeling of accomplishment that new experiences offer.
Ok Life. Seriously. Bring em' on. I'm ready.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Why Parents Have Gray Hair
I thought it might be time for a little reflection on what is really important. My dad sent me this story that has been floating around the Internet. I think it really makes a great point. With school starting back this week, parents will again be getting progress reports and report cards before they know it. May we all be as lucky as the mother in this story:
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom." With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is 18.
But it's not only the passion...Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Good luck this school year: may you never know anything worse in life than having a funny, funny teen who would be clever enough to leave you this kind of letter and even remember to say "I love you" at the end! He/she may still leave you with gray hairs, but those kind are a pleasure to earn!
Melony
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom." With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is 18.
But it's not only the passion...Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Good luck this school year: may you never know anything worse in life than having a funny, funny teen who would be clever enough to leave you this kind of letter and even remember to say "I love you" at the end! He/she may still leave you with gray hairs, but those kind are a pleasure to earn!
Melony
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
It's What's Inside That Counts
Could there be a better goal than to have our teens interact with the rest of the world in a healthy manner? No chips on their shoulder, no victim mode, no bully mode. Dr. Randall Grayson believes that changing a child's mind, thus changing their behavior is far more effective than conditioning behavior and hopefully changing the mind. An example? Instead of a time out or other threat for say, taking a ball on the playground, an adult guides a child into other choices that meet both his needs and the needs of others. What follows is a thought provoking way to look at not only how our kids perceive their world, but also how we do.
Taking responsibility for ourselves is something most of us struggle with. Despite the difficulty, the reward is worth striving for- our freedom and autonomy. It is healthy parent-child relationships. It is healthy communication between husband and wife or co-workers. When we understand that we have choices regardless of the behavior of others, we can have relationships based on our own responsibility, self-discipline, and love; we can create those good relationships instead of waiting for them from others. The Shift: From external to internal control.
External control
"I felt angry and that's why I yelled at him!"
"I'm depressed, so that's why I'm sitting here doing nothing."
"My friends make me feel stupid."
"My mother made me angry so I'm not talking to her."
"When people call me names, I'm going to hit them. It's their fault if they get hurt, not mine."
"If you would just stop being so uptight, I could relax and then everything would be fine."
"If Jane would just clean up her room, I wouldn't get so angry."
"I'm bored. That's not fun. I need more fun things to do."
Core belief: We feel the way we do because some person, place, or thing makes us feel that way. We blame.
Core belief: We either manipulate, or we are manipulated.
Core belief: The outside world should give us things we need to be happy.
Core belief: We do what we do because of how we feel
People who are externally motivated spend a great deal of time looking for exactly the right people, places, and things so that they will finally feel fulfilled. To wait for others to change so that we can love them will be a source of endless frustration and disappointing relationships. Our ultimate freedom comes in being able to find our balance regardless of another person's action.
Internal control
"How do I want to feel in this situation?"
"That person called me names; I can choose to feel angry, sad, sorry for their lack of understanding, or grateful I am not them"
"Do you want to be homesick? Can you imagine being happy even though you are not with your mom?, Do you want to be enjoying camp rather than feeling sad all the time?"
"I really respect myself for the way I handled that situation."
"I like who I am when I act like this."
"Would you like to spend your time feeling good about what you did well or bad about what you didn't do so well?"
Core belief: What's going on outside of me is just information. I have to the power to choose how I want to feel. Feelings come from the inside out, and not outside in.
Core belief: Our pain in the world comes not from the circumstances of our lives, but from the way we deal with those circumstances. Our pain is the result of the difficulty of being loving when others are not.
Core belief: People want to do and be good, but sometimes they need help learning how.
Core belief: People have the power to be terrific people, even in non-terrific situations. Being loving is easy in situations where those around you are doing what you want and giving you the attention and love you desire. But being loving is more difficult if someone is mad at you, or lets you down, or treats you poorly, or does not do what you want them to do. When we are caring and compassionate in the face of bad situations, we find peace, balance, and love.
Our Core Needs
From this perspective, people have five core needs. It is believed that all behavior can be traced back to one of these core five needs. All behavior is code, and all behavior happens for a reason. These needs instruct us on how to be in the world.The instruction to 1. "Be Loved and Be Loving" is an urge to connect, 2. to belong, 3.to feel compassion for others, and 4. to forgive. Even though it is difficult to see this need expressed in people sometimes, the assumption is that we are all born with the desire to be this way in the world. For example, people may express this need through anger, showing off, bitterness, or even by being shy. Also under the need to be loved is the need for self-worth, or self-esteem. 5. People want to feel good about themselves.
"Being Powerful" means standing in your own circle of strength, having a voice, staying strong in difficult situations, being worthy, having self respect and having impact on the world. Being powerful means telling the truth when you are worried others may criticize, it means taking a step off the zip wire platform even though you are scared, and it means sticking with a difficult project until you are really proud of your work.
"Being Playful" is the ability to have fun regardless of the things or activities that surround you. When children complain that they are bored, mothers are often quoted as saying, "Only boring people are bored." Too often as we get older, we wait for external circumstances to create pleasure. The internally motivated playfulness comes from viewing each situation with curiosity, whimsy, and an openness to new perceptions.
"Being Free" is our ability to maintain a sense of autonomy and choice. People following their internal instruction to be free are able to see choices, to "see the glass half full," and to think about "freedom to" and "freedom in." People who are trapped in the external are always worried about "freedom from" and ask themselves, "How is this making me feel?" People who are being free are more likely to ask, "How do I feel about this situation?" and even more importantly, "How do I want to feel about this situation?"
Safety and Survival are also core human needs. We need food and shelter, and when they aren't provided, they take up the majority of our thought and behavior. People also act quickly when there is an immediate threat to safety or survival. If we don't follow our psychological/spiritual instructions, we feel internal signals -- loneliness, powerlessness,
boredom, or feeling trapped -- that inform us of that fact. When people who understand their internal instructions feel lonely, for example, they do not wait for others to love them. They look for others to love. They call a friend, they pat the dog, or they give a gift. As they take these actions, they begin again to be loving, and the loneliness disappears. When they feel bored, they don't wait for something to entertain them, they create their fun by beginning to be playful in the situation at hand.
I personally found this thought provoking and easy to understand. It reminds me of the well known Al-Anon saying, "The only person I can change is myself." I saw the Blame Game so often with high school students. Individual success, happiness and satisfaction ebbed and flowed with external events. If teens could only be confident and strong within themselves. Internal confidence and strength withstands the slings and arrows of life. We can't protect our children from disappointments and sadness, but perhaps we can better equip them when life happens.
If you want to see this discussion in it's entirety, go to http://www.campaugusta.org/Partnering/Coaching/Success/success.htm
Taking responsibility for ourselves is something most of us struggle with. Despite the difficulty, the reward is worth striving for- our freedom and autonomy. It is healthy parent-child relationships. It is healthy communication between husband and wife or co-workers. When we understand that we have choices regardless of the behavior of others, we can have relationships based on our own responsibility, self-discipline, and love; we can create those good relationships instead of waiting for them from others. The Shift: From external to internal control.
External control
"I felt angry and that's why I yelled at him!"
"I'm depressed, so that's why I'm sitting here doing nothing."
"My friends make me feel stupid."
"My mother made me angry so I'm not talking to her."
"When people call me names, I'm going to hit them. It's their fault if they get hurt, not mine."
"If you would just stop being so uptight, I could relax and then everything would be fine."
"If Jane would just clean up her room, I wouldn't get so angry."
"I'm bored. That's not fun. I need more fun things to do."
Core belief: We feel the way we do because some person, place, or thing makes us feel that way. We blame.
Core belief: We either manipulate, or we are manipulated.
Core belief: The outside world should give us things we need to be happy.
Core belief: We do what we do because of how we feel
People who are externally motivated spend a great deal of time looking for exactly the right people, places, and things so that they will finally feel fulfilled. To wait for others to change so that we can love them will be a source of endless frustration and disappointing relationships. Our ultimate freedom comes in being able to find our balance regardless of another person's action.
Internal control
"How do I want to feel in this situation?"
"That person called me names; I can choose to feel angry, sad, sorry for their lack of understanding, or grateful I am not them"
"Do you want to be homesick? Can you imagine being happy even though you are not with your mom?, Do you want to be enjoying camp rather than feeling sad all the time?"
"I really respect myself for the way I handled that situation."
"I like who I am when I act like this."
"Would you like to spend your time feeling good about what you did well or bad about what you didn't do so well?"
Core belief: What's going on outside of me is just information. I have to the power to choose how I want to feel. Feelings come from the inside out, and not outside in.
Core belief: Our pain in the world comes not from the circumstances of our lives, but from the way we deal with those circumstances. Our pain is the result of the difficulty of being loving when others are not.
Core belief: People want to do and be good, but sometimes they need help learning how.
Core belief: People have the power to be terrific people, even in non-terrific situations. Being loving is easy in situations where those around you are doing what you want and giving you the attention and love you desire. But being loving is more difficult if someone is mad at you, or lets you down, or treats you poorly, or does not do what you want them to do. When we are caring and compassionate in the face of bad situations, we find peace, balance, and love.
Our Core Needs
From this perspective, people have five core needs. It is believed that all behavior can be traced back to one of these core five needs. All behavior is code, and all behavior happens for a reason. These needs instruct us on how to be in the world.The instruction to 1. "Be Loved and Be Loving" is an urge to connect, 2. to belong, 3.to feel compassion for others, and 4. to forgive. Even though it is difficult to see this need expressed in people sometimes, the assumption is that we are all born with the desire to be this way in the world. For example, people may express this need through anger, showing off, bitterness, or even by being shy. Also under the need to be loved is the need for self-worth, or self-esteem. 5. People want to feel good about themselves.
"Being Powerful" means standing in your own circle of strength, having a voice, staying strong in difficult situations, being worthy, having self respect and having impact on the world. Being powerful means telling the truth when you are worried others may criticize, it means taking a step off the zip wire platform even though you are scared, and it means sticking with a difficult project until you are really proud of your work.
"Being Playful" is the ability to have fun regardless of the things or activities that surround you. When children complain that they are bored, mothers are often quoted as saying, "Only boring people are bored." Too often as we get older, we wait for external circumstances to create pleasure. The internally motivated playfulness comes from viewing each situation with curiosity, whimsy, and an openness to new perceptions.
"Being Free" is our ability to maintain a sense of autonomy and choice. People following their internal instruction to be free are able to see choices, to "see the glass half full," and to think about "freedom to" and "freedom in." People who are trapped in the external are always worried about "freedom from" and ask themselves, "How is this making me feel?" People who are being free are more likely to ask, "How do I feel about this situation?" and even more importantly, "How do I want to feel about this situation?"
Safety and Survival are also core human needs. We need food and shelter, and when they aren't provided, they take up the majority of our thought and behavior. People also act quickly when there is an immediate threat to safety or survival. If we don't follow our psychological/spiritual instructions, we feel internal signals -- loneliness, powerlessness,
boredom, or feeling trapped -- that inform us of that fact. When people who understand their internal instructions feel lonely, for example, they do not wait for others to love them. They look for others to love. They call a friend, they pat the dog, or they give a gift. As they take these actions, they begin again to be loving, and the loneliness disappears. When they feel bored, they don't wait for something to entertain them, they create their fun by beginning to be playful in the situation at hand.
I personally found this thought provoking and easy to understand. It reminds me of the well known Al-Anon saying, "The only person I can change is myself." I saw the Blame Game so often with high school students. Individual success, happiness and satisfaction ebbed and flowed with external events. If teens could only be confident and strong within themselves. Internal confidence and strength withstands the slings and arrows of life. We can't protect our children from disappointments and sadness, but perhaps we can better equip them when life happens.
If you want to see this discussion in it's entirety, go to http://www.campaugusta.org/Partnering/Coaching/Success/success.htm
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Don't Talk Baby Talk
"The limits of my language means the limits of my world".
Wittgenstein
Some theorists advocate speaking baby talk to the wee ones, but I disagree. Using real language helps the little ones assimilate vocabulary so that it becomes second nature.
Having an adequate vocabulary has more benefits than just being able to insult one's enemies without their knowing it! I would say it even equates with overall success, and for many people goes hand in hand with an improved education to raise them up from poverty.
Our ideas are only given expression through our vocabularies. Imagine Mozart without a piano. What the world would have missed! A human without an adequate vocabulary is the same. He may never know what ideas are inside him without adequate words to express himself, and what a world he will miss!
If you have a teenager, you might think your spelling bees and vocabulary tests are over, but that is not true. Success on the ACT, PSAT, SAT, and EOI tests are important to both of you. A good ACT or PSAT/SAT score could help you save your hard earned cash when your child gets a great scholarship. And, soon students will have to pass EOI tests in English to get a high school diploma.
But, there is another side to baby talk, one that almost every parent is guilty of using toward a child throughout his/her life. It's so easy to speak condescendingly toward a young person, to address him/her as an idiot, a baby.
I know sometimes a teen puts him or herself in a position in which it is ridiculously easy to retort, "If you're going to act like a baby, I'm going to treat you like a baby." But, what we want to try to steer clear of is instruction in a patronizing tone, as if we were indeed speaking to a baby. We all know how that feels coming from a boss, spouse, or parent. It makes us feel small and stupid.
We can try reframing what we say more as a statement or matter of fact. We can ask our teen his/her opinion on the matter at hand, rather than telling them what they believe. Kids have an enormous amount of precognition or information they have gleened from watching us (or tv/movies). They have observed us with studied care and need only a little honing to fine tune their skills. We don't have to be perfect, but trying to be aware of our tone can better help us continue to educate our children into their teen years. Not talking baby talk all the way around helps keep the lines of communication open for everyone.
Wittgenstein
Some theorists advocate speaking baby talk to the wee ones, but I disagree. Using real language helps the little ones assimilate vocabulary so that it becomes second nature.
Having an adequate vocabulary has more benefits than just being able to insult one's enemies without their knowing it! I would say it even equates with overall success, and for many people goes hand in hand with an improved education to raise them up from poverty.
Our ideas are only given expression through our vocabularies. Imagine Mozart without a piano. What the world would have missed! A human without an adequate vocabulary is the same. He may never know what ideas are inside him without adequate words to express himself, and what a world he will miss!
If you have a teenager, you might think your spelling bees and vocabulary tests are over, but that is not true. Success on the ACT, PSAT, SAT, and EOI tests are important to both of you. A good ACT or PSAT/SAT score could help you save your hard earned cash when your child gets a great scholarship. And, soon students will have to pass EOI tests in English to get a high school diploma.
But, there is another side to baby talk, one that almost every parent is guilty of using toward a child throughout his/her life. It's so easy to speak condescendingly toward a young person, to address him/her as an idiot, a baby.
I know sometimes a teen puts him or herself in a position in which it is ridiculously easy to retort, "If you're going to act like a baby, I'm going to treat you like a baby." But, what we want to try to steer clear of is instruction in a patronizing tone, as if we were indeed speaking to a baby. We all know how that feels coming from a boss, spouse, or parent. It makes us feel small and stupid.
We can try reframing what we say more as a statement or matter of fact. We can ask our teen his/her opinion on the matter at hand, rather than telling them what they believe. Kids have an enormous amount of precognition or information they have gleened from watching us (or tv/movies). They have observed us with studied care and need only a little honing to fine tune their skills. We don't have to be perfect, but trying to be aware of our tone can better help us continue to educate our children into their teen years. Not talking baby talk all the way around helps keep the lines of communication open for everyone.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
With Bright Shining Faces................
Summer Vacation is rapidly coming to a close and a new school year is quickly approaching. When I was teaching, I always argued for a later start but the trend for a mid-August beginning has become the norm all over our state. Those last two weeks of August seemed like treading water with my students. Their heads were just not into the school and schedule mold until after Labor Day. It was still so hot and summer activities still beckoned. I never started a unit or on-going project until September. One Day at a Time was the way we went in August.
Last weekend's No Tax shopping was a great idea. Thanks to Oklahoma Lawmakers for making Back To School a little less painful for parents. All reports indicate the retailers and consumers were delighted with the results. If the crowds in the stores were any indication, the tax relief was a great incentive to spend money. Gee. Does this tell us anything?
Shopping for school clothes is a favorite memory for all of us. In Junior High I remember arriving the first day in my new fall duds. LadyBug wool skirt, button down shirt with a monogrammed circle pin, wool, cable knit cardigan and always Weejuns with hose. Of course, Fall was only a state of mind, induced by the much perused "Seventeen" Back to School issue. This was pre-air conditioning at West Junior High. My perfect flip was, needless to say, less perky by lunch time.
The boys arrived in straight leg Levi's and also, Weejun Loafers. They however, wore socks with their shoes. Said socks matched their perfectly ironed button down shirt. Baby Blue shirt? Baby Blue Socks. Yellow Shirt? Yellow Socks. If you went madras, which was definitely a fashion trend, your sock choice was as varied as the colors in your plaid.
Here's a walk down memory lane. Fruit Loops. Not the cereal, but the little sewn loop on the back of a man's Oxford Cloth Shirt. These loops were eagerly collected by every female in Junior High. You would walk up behind an unsuspecting male and rip the loop off the back of his shirt. The shirt often suffered but the boy felt validated and the girl had certainly gained his attention. Always the point in Junior High, right?
Ah. School supplies. The displays were up the 5th of July this year. Lap Tops, calculators, Blackberries. Designer Backpacks, satchels with wheels, thermal lunch boxes. Scented Markers, fancy pens and mechanical pencils. Throw in the contraband but expected Ipods and cell phones. Don't forget the reams of copy paper and boxes of Kleenex to offset expenses for teacher supplies. School supplies aren't twenty dollars and a trip to the dime store anymore!
To really date myself, the one prerequisite for my new school year was the blue notebook and a package of dividers. If all went well, by mid October, said notebook was literally covered with llll Carol Loves Curt, llllll Ringo Rules,
********* CC + DD ddddd& ######## WEST IS BEST!
Have a great "Last Week of Vacation" with your kids. Summer always goes so quickly but there is something renewing about a new school year. Fresh starts, opportunities and experiences. As an added bonus, it is nice to get back in a regular routine isn't it?
Last weekend's No Tax shopping was a great idea. Thanks to Oklahoma Lawmakers for making Back To School a little less painful for parents. All reports indicate the retailers and consumers were delighted with the results. If the crowds in the stores were any indication, the tax relief was a great incentive to spend money. Gee. Does this tell us anything?
Shopping for school clothes is a favorite memory for all of us. In Junior High I remember arriving the first day in my new fall duds. LadyBug wool skirt, button down shirt with a monogrammed circle pin, wool, cable knit cardigan and always Weejuns with hose. Of course, Fall was only a state of mind, induced by the much perused "Seventeen" Back to School issue. This was pre-air conditioning at West Junior High. My perfect flip was, needless to say, less perky by lunch time.
The boys arrived in straight leg Levi's and also, Weejun Loafers. They however, wore socks with their shoes. Said socks matched their perfectly ironed button down shirt. Baby Blue shirt? Baby Blue Socks. Yellow Shirt? Yellow Socks. If you went madras, which was definitely a fashion trend, your sock choice was as varied as the colors in your plaid.
Here's a walk down memory lane. Fruit Loops. Not the cereal, but the little sewn loop on the back of a man's Oxford Cloth Shirt. These loops were eagerly collected by every female in Junior High. You would walk up behind an unsuspecting male and rip the loop off the back of his shirt. The shirt often suffered but the boy felt validated and the girl had certainly gained his attention. Always the point in Junior High, right?
Ah. School supplies. The displays were up the 5th of July this year. Lap Tops, calculators, Blackberries. Designer Backpacks, satchels with wheels, thermal lunch boxes. Scented Markers, fancy pens and mechanical pencils. Throw in the contraband but expected Ipods and cell phones. Don't forget the reams of copy paper and boxes of Kleenex to offset expenses for teacher supplies. School supplies aren't twenty dollars and a trip to the dime store anymore!
To really date myself, the one prerequisite for my new school year was the blue notebook and a package of dividers. If all went well, by mid October, said notebook was literally covered with llll Carol Loves Curt, llllll Ringo Rules,
********* CC + DD ddddd& ######## WEST IS BEST!
Have a great "Last Week of Vacation" with your kids. Summer always goes so quickly but there is something renewing about a new school year. Fresh starts, opportunities and experiences. As an added bonus, it is nice to get back in a regular routine isn't it?
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Read, Read, Read
School is quickly approaching and students are scrambling to finish reading those summer books for AP and advanced English courses. I hate to keep harping on reading, but just this summer I have come to see the very stark difference between how we read in the U.S. and how people read in the U.K.
Of course there is illiteracy on both sides of the big pond. Students are not thrilled with mandatory reading no matter what country they hail from. But, corresponding with some writers in the U.K. has made me realize that we in the U.S. are reading driven, but are not necessarily literature driven. We also have more controversy over what the literary canon is now, since we have been trying very diligently to acknowledge the writings of diverse groups inhabiting the U.S.
If you have a teen, it is not too late to point him/her in the direction of great literature. For so long we have been elated if a teen reads anything that we have settled for far less than the great classics, just so long as something was read. But most popular literature is either lacking in an investigation of the great themes of mankind or does not approach them in depth or critically. Years later it would be difficult to have a real discussion of these works, as their qualities are transitory.
Given the vast number of great works of literature, one cannot wait until adulthood to begin reading. One would already be at a disadvantage if one waited too long, and this is what happens to many Americans. It does not mean we are bad people or may not be able to provide a good living for our families. I think, though, that our reading level corresponds highly to achieving greater success in life and getting more out of life.
What is the difference between literature and plain novels? Some children's works have become classic literature, for example T.H. White's The Once and Future King. I have in mind, though, more along the lines of Animal Farm, Lord of the Flies, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Education of Little Tree, and other works that we wait until high school to introduce, possibly for fear of being sued by various parties. Some great works of literature we do not approach at all for the same reason.
This is a list of required readings in the U.K. for students ages 11 to 14. How many of these authors have you read?
Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë, Emily Brontë, John Bunyan, Wilkie Collins, Joseph Conrad, Daniel Defoe, Charles Dickens, Arthur Conan Doyle, George Eliot, Henry Fielding, Elizabeth Gaskell, Thomas Hardy, Henry James, Mary Shelley, Robert Louis Stevenson, Jonathan Swift, Anthony Trollope, HG Wells, EM Forster, William Golding, Graham Greene, Aldous Huxley, James Joyce, DH Lawrence, Katherine Mansfield, George Orwell, Muriel Spark, William Trevor, Evelyn Waugh, JG Ballard, RK Narayan, Berlie Doherty, Susan Hill, Laurie Lee, Joan Lingard, Alan Sillitoe, Bill Naughton, Mildred Taylor, Robert Westall, Chinua Achebe, Maya Angelou, Willa Cather, Anita Desai, Nadine Gordimer, Ernest Hemingway, HH Richardson, Doris Lessing, John Steinbeck, Ngugi Wa Thiong'o...
But more importantly, are our students ages 11 to 14 getting this enrichment? I was shocked when my friend sent the list to me. Some of these works we wait until adulthood to read. Granted, this is the British reading list and they have a much longer literary heritage than we do, but now it is time for Americans to catch up, grow up.
Keeping American students from reading great literature is partly to blame for the ennui students experience in public school. A rich tradition is a fun approach to literature - possibly the only fun approach - imagine how powerful it would be combined with new technology in America.
Here is a web site sponsored by an association of libraries which contains a suggested reading list for teens who want to read both classic literature and modern literature, as well. They recommend everything from Jodi Picoult to Mark Twain, and the books are recommended by teens themselves. It could be useful for both readers and non-readers alike:
http://www.teensreads.com/
Of course there is illiteracy on both sides of the big pond. Students are not thrilled with mandatory reading no matter what country they hail from. But, corresponding with some writers in the U.K. has made me realize that we in the U.S. are reading driven, but are not necessarily literature driven. We also have more controversy over what the literary canon is now, since we have been trying very diligently to acknowledge the writings of diverse groups inhabiting the U.S.
If you have a teen, it is not too late to point him/her in the direction of great literature. For so long we have been elated if a teen reads anything that we have settled for far less than the great classics, just so long as something was read. But most popular literature is either lacking in an investigation of the great themes of mankind or does not approach them in depth or critically. Years later it would be difficult to have a real discussion of these works, as their qualities are transitory.
Given the vast number of great works of literature, one cannot wait until adulthood to begin reading. One would already be at a disadvantage if one waited too long, and this is what happens to many Americans. It does not mean we are bad people or may not be able to provide a good living for our families. I think, though, that our reading level corresponds highly to achieving greater success in life and getting more out of life.
What is the difference between literature and plain novels? Some children's works have become classic literature, for example T.H. White's The Once and Future King. I have in mind, though, more along the lines of Animal Farm, Lord of the Flies, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Education of Little Tree, and other works that we wait until high school to introduce, possibly for fear of being sued by various parties. Some great works of literature we do not approach at all for the same reason.
This is a list of required readings in the U.K. for students ages 11 to 14. How many of these authors have you read?
Jane Austen, Charlotte Brontë, Emily Brontë, John Bunyan, Wilkie Collins, Joseph Conrad, Daniel Defoe, Charles Dickens, Arthur Conan Doyle, George Eliot, Henry Fielding, Elizabeth Gaskell, Thomas Hardy, Henry James, Mary Shelley, Robert Louis Stevenson, Jonathan Swift, Anthony Trollope, HG Wells, EM Forster, William Golding, Graham Greene, Aldous Huxley, James Joyce, DH Lawrence, Katherine Mansfield, George Orwell, Muriel Spark, William Trevor, Evelyn Waugh, JG Ballard, RK Narayan, Berlie Doherty, Susan Hill, Laurie Lee, Joan Lingard, Alan Sillitoe, Bill Naughton, Mildred Taylor, Robert Westall, Chinua Achebe, Maya Angelou, Willa Cather, Anita Desai, Nadine Gordimer, Ernest Hemingway, HH Richardson, Doris Lessing, John Steinbeck, Ngugi Wa Thiong'o...
But more importantly, are our students ages 11 to 14 getting this enrichment? I was shocked when my friend sent the list to me. Some of these works we wait until adulthood to read. Granted, this is the British reading list and they have a much longer literary heritage than we do, but now it is time for Americans to catch up, grow up.
Keeping American students from reading great literature is partly to blame for the ennui students experience in public school. A rich tradition is a fun approach to literature - possibly the only fun approach - imagine how powerful it would be combined with new technology in America.
Here is a web site sponsored by an association of libraries which contains a suggested reading list for teens who want to read both classic literature and modern literature, as well. They recommend everything from Jodi Picoult to Mark Twain, and the books are recommended by teens themselves. It could be useful for both readers and non-readers alike:
http://www.teensreads.com/
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