"Step" Up To The Plate

I've got to leave the television off in the afternoons. Yesterday Dr. Phil featured a horrific clip of a new step father interacting with his wife and her children. The man was in a shouting match with this angry woman and her 12 year old son. Two young girls sat on the couch in fetal positions and a toddler cried at the parents feet. At one point the baby was putting her little hands over her ears and screaming. Didn't even faze the combatants. The language used by the adults and the boy; the gestures, the tone, the irrational and erratic logic and the incredible violence.......these children don't have a chance.

Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a step family before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than an aberration. Born of conflict and loss, new found commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, step families face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.

Yours, Mine and Ours is even on greeting cards. These mergers are at the best difficult and at the worst, caustic and damaging. Credit goes to families who have made these partnerships work for themselves and their children. It is an ongoing and delicate process to ease children into a new family dynamic and a partner into a role of care-giver and provider for children that are not theirs. It takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.

It is those hook-ups that are not thought out or addressed that has become a major problem. Many single parents are quickly jumping into yet another relationship. Issues are not addressed, children are not considered, ground rules are not established. Young lives are rearranged yet again, but without a game plan.

Can you imagine bringing someone into your home that you met on the Internet? Just this week a news story warned of the danger to your family. Man and woman meet on-line. Man marries woman. Surprise. Man is a pedophile with the grand plan to exploit this woman's young children. This Mother allowed a man she barely knew to come into her family's life because she was "lonely" and he had a good job. Her children will forever suffer for their Mother's haste in finding a companion. Her need was placed before the needs of her children.

Second marriages should be a process. Getting to know another person takes time. For any parent, the children involved should be the first concern. Below are guidelines from http://www.helpguide.org/

Building a Life together: A Review of the Dos and Don'ts

1.Do reassure children that the divorce/death was not their fault. Invite questions and discussion.
2. Do start talking with your children about the possibility of blending your family long before your marriage. Be tolerant of outbursts in children when you tell them about the re-marriage. Typically, they hope for reconciliation between the two biological parents. Realize children are suffering a loss during divorce.

3. Assure children that they will continue to have a relationship with the non-live in parent.
4. Don't push your children into creating relationships. Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally.
5. Don't expect your stepchildren to call you mom or dad. Let them decide what they want to call you. Their comfort level is important here.
6. Do expect and accept different feelings between parent, child, stepparent, and stepchild.
7. Do establish a unified parenting approach that is evenly applied to everyone in the family. Create a solid bond that demonstrates stability and a sense that the new couple is in charge. Reach agreement with your new partner on how to address the important, unanticipated parenting situations that arise.
8. Don't forget your marriage by focusing exclusively on the family. Make alone time with your spouse consistently. Nurture your marital relationship. Raising children is a challenge under any circumstances. Raising other peoples children is a special challenge. Having a strong marriage will help you blend your families together.
9. Do spend some time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time each day to connect one-on-one with all the children in your new family.
10. Do hold family meetings.
11. Do establish new traditions. The new step family has no shared family history, no shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. You will want to honor some existing traditions and rituals and develop others in the new family setting.
12. Do respect former spouses parenting. Make sure he has quality time with his child/children.

Perhaps digressing but I do have an aside. It is my opinion only. If our children are to be taught morals and about committment, we must model the behaviors. Though dating is an old-fashioned word, single parents should participate in this practice. Evenings end and respective parties adjourn to to their own homes. It is not acceptable to entertain overnight guests with ones children in the next bedroom. (I assume my opinion on single parents living together without benefit of marriage is an obvious one.)