True Friends

A Mom shared the situation her 13 year old daughter was experiencing. All parents are familiar with the "Friend Tug of War" and the constant jockeying for who is in and who is out. This time her child was on the outside and totally devastated. Of course her Mother is heart broken and trying to "fix it" for her precious daughter. Most of us have been in exactly the same place with our own children. Sadly we can't "fix it", but we can give our children the tools to handle the problem on their own.

It seemed like a good time to outline Sean Covey's second most important decision a teen will ever make. (For #1 see "Do you Always Want To Wear A Paper Hat?"- January Archives)

What's number 2? Friends. Why? "Because friends can either build you up or tear you down." He continues, "more importantly, what kind of friend will you be?" Being true to yourself makes you a friend people will want to have. Why? You can be trusted, you are caring and you are self-assured. Confidence is contagious. People around it want it too.

What makes friendships so difficult?

1. N The Popularity Game N Have you heard the song Popular from the musical "Wicked"? Oklahoma's own Kristen Chenowith, portraying Glenda the Good Witch, is teaching Elseba (The Bad Witch) the game of how to be popular.

"I'll show you what shoes to wear

How to fix your hair

Everything that really counts

to be pop-u-lar

This is exactly what it is - a game. In a game, there are winners and there are losers-always. So don't play it. Be wise. Don't play the game of popularity. Be yourself. (Something interesting. Independent and trustworthy You may look back in a few months time and find yourself POPULAR without all the strings attached!)

2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.

3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.

Unkind words are like rubber and glue.

What you say bounces back on you!!!

.

4. *Suffering Through Comparisons and Competitions* This is a game all ages play. Once again, there is always a loser. Be you. Be accepting and gracious with friends successes and strengths. Remember, you have talents and gifts too.

Some tips from Sean Covey to improve friendships. They are practical and easy.

+ Choose friends who like you for who and what you are.

* Don't make friends the center of your life

# Be Yourself

+ When it comes to friendships, stop competing. Think Win-Win

* Lift Others

# Prepare for peer pressure by setting goals

Here a simple exercise to help you figure yourself out.

Covey suggests you identify your personal "Life Center". Friends, school, popularity, work, hobbies, sports, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith; or something else. Now, really stand back and consider this "center's" effect on you. Is it a positive, affirming and an evolving element that is leading you toward your life's goals?

A simple check list regarding friends.

a Choose friends that build you up

a Be a true friend

a Stand up to peer pressure

One last suggestion. Come up with 5 things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure. Follow your heart, don't follow the herd.

Livin' on Tulsa (Quality) Time

Downtown Tulsa Skyline

In my last post I went in search of quality mother-daughter time in Muskogee. The same basic kinds of things can be found in Tulsa, only on a grander scale. One of the dad bloggers mentioned in the comment section that going to Tulsa was a special treat when he was a kid, and I think that is a fond memory for many of us. For some of us, jetting back and forth to Tulsa with our teenagers has now become expected, de rigeur even. If your daughter plays soccer, takes ballet lessons or vocal lessons, you are probably in Tulsa two or three times a week.

Here are some fun things to do in T - Town with your daughter. These are all things I have immensely enjoyed doing with my daughter throughout the years and hope to continue enjoying for many years to come!

1. Start the day off by eating breakfast or lunch at Queenie's in Utica Square. Breakfast on Saturday or Sunday is a special treat and lunch anytime is always delicious! Now that the weather is warmer, there will be more seating available!

2. A visit to Philbrook Art Museum and grounds is a good substitute for a trip to a major metropolitan area. With the renovated grounds you could almost think you had taken your daughter on a trip to Italy!

3. Shopping for some fun and funky clothes - try Chrome at 18th and Boston. If you or your daughter are OU or OSU fans, they have some vintage tees from the '70's that are very tempting, even at $65! Almost as good a selection of jeans as at SAKS.

4. Drive around and look at the houses. The same as in Muskogee, just more of them and bigger.

Maple Ridge Historic District has some grand old houses.


5. Speaking of houses, the upcoming Designer Showcase home tour in Tulsa features this Italian villa at 22nd and Madison. It should be great fun, especially if your daughter wants to be an interior designer or architect!

There are so many more things to do in the greater Tulsa area than I have even touched on. But, it's only springtime - summer could hold a whole different set of fun activities, not just for you and your daughter, but for the whole family!

The Joy of Cooking

As we have discussed in the last few months, it is important to find something our children enjoy. Something he or she is good at. Something creative, worthwhile and something that keeps them OUT OF TROUBLE! As discussed in the blogs, that is easier said than done. So, in the interests of parents everywhere, do share ideas, what worked for you and how you "snagged" your talented and engaged teen.

As a junior higher in Muskogee, (West is Best) we would ride the city bus downtown and visit Hunts, Durnil's and Calhoun's. We would wear our brush rollers, in perfect rows. (Swear to you, this is true. Looking back I think this was one of my parents "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" issues) . We would bug Nancy and Leonard Howard at the camera store and eat lunch at Pete Smith's or at the Purity Drug, owned by my grandfather, Porter Clark. Those greasy drugstore hamburger's were doubly delicious, one, because they were so good and second, because they were free.

We might go to the Ritz for a double feature and enjoy a tasty D.P. and a Fire Stix . Dill pickles were another favorite but never, never eat one of the hot-dogs. Those wieners looked like they had ridden around and around in their display cooker for weeks and weeks. After the show we would try to ignore the prisoners at the jail next door as we waited for our Mother's to pick us up. The men would hang through the bars and try to engage anyone who would listen in a conversation. Remember the scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus is guarding Tom Robinson at the jail? The old jail looked just like that, but with bigger steps up to the front door.

Favorite summer activities included tennis lessons at Rotary Park, Red Cross swimming classes with Cecil Roark at Honor Heights and my favorite, cooking classes at the ONG building on Court. I still remember a certain tasty treat that involved canned biscuits and cherry jelly. And oh, how smart the lovely instructor was in her starched apron and high heels.

To this day, I love to cook. I think it goes back to that energetic woman at the ONG kitchen and Marjory Leake, who let her dear daughters and eager friends have the run of her beautiful kitchen. A nod to my long suffering Mother who did not share my epicurian passion but let me experiment to my heart's delight.

When I returned to Muskogee as a new bride I offered cooking classes for children and teens. It was something I had loved and it seemed natural to offer the opportunity to children of friends. It was such fun and I am happy to report that these grown children, now parents themselves, still use the recipes we made so many years ago. Aimee will call Cathy for Puffy French Toast and they both still pronounce it the best they have ever tried.

SO...still searching for something for your child to to pursue, to learn and perhaps even embrace? Try cooking. It is therapy. It is art. It is comfort....and the bringer of chocolate chip cookies is always the most popular person at the party!!!!

Cooking has become so trendy that a whole network is devoted to it. The television in my older son's house is always tuned to Bobby Flay or Emeril or his favorite, Paula Dean. He has even fancied himself as a chef should his current career not work out! So, get your own son or daughter started. Start them young or in the middle, but if soccer or clogging or karate hasn't cut the mustard, introduce them to cooking. Not only the actual process in the kitchen but everything associated with the final product.

Introduce gardening with herbs and easy to grow vegetables. This is a continuing project that teaches responsibility and delicious results are as quick as a growing season. Start searching garage sales and flea markets for special utensils, interesting cake pans and old cookbooks. An additional bonus? . You are also sneaking in that together time. Take advantage of our Porter Peaches, June blackberries and abundant produce stands. Is there anything better than fresh corn, summer tomatoes or purple hull peas? Additionally, healthy and fresh eating is a good habit to instill in our kids. Tie in family history with a special recipe. Great Grandmother's corn pudding is not only tasty, the dish will tie the generations. Grilling outside is a story in itself. Share stories ( and a little parenting too) as you charcoal, smoke and roast on the Hasty Bake.

If you want to plant some beginner herbs, I would suggest dill, oregano, thyme and basil.
Use the basil for the following:

Tomato Brushetta

Coarsely chop 4 large tomatoes- drain seeds and water

finely chop 8-10 nice leaves of basil-stems removed

(Roll up several together like a cigarette and slice thinly)

Mince or press 4 fat cloves of garlic

combine with tomatoes and toss all

with a good quality olive oil (lightly)

salt and pepper to taste

Serve with a good italian bread, sliced thinly,

rubbed with additional garlic and olive oil and lightly toasted

Offer fresh Parmesan to sprinkle on the top

Randy's Corn

Pull some of the husk back from ears about halfway and replace

Soak in a pan or sink of cold water and salt

Place on a grill and steam for 15 or 20 minutes

Remove husks outside and throw away

Drizzle corn with butter, lime juice and paprika

Salt and pepper

....and from the sublime to the ridiculous!

Gooey and Delicious Cinnamon Puffs

Combine 1/2 cup sugar with 1 tbsp cinnamon

separate 2 cans Crescent Dinner Rolls

Dip 16 large marshmallows into melted butter and then

roll in the cinnamon mixture

Place marshmallow at wide end of triangle and fold corners over

marshmallow. Seal and brush with butter.

Place greased side down in a muffin pan.

Bake at 350 for 10-12 minutes

Combine 1/2 cup powdered sugar with 2 or 3 tsps of milk

and 1/2 tsp almond extract-drizzle over puffs right

out of the oven. Sprinkle with chopped pecans if you wish.

No Hocus Pocus-Just Find a Focus

There is rumor of a secret society that is purported to have all the tools to successful parenting. This mysterious and mystical organization is rooted in the past, works in the present and looks toward the future. Secrets are not found buried in a vault or hidden in cryptic codes, they are passed in an oral tradition, from one member to another. The tricky part is, deciphering what is good and true and pure, and discarding the false and deceptive gobbledygook that is also included in the messages.

A special talisman is necessary to sort and arrange the lessons offered by the society. This talisman is a shining beacon in often murky and unstable territory. The territory of raising a child and doing it well. What, you ask, is this mysterious and mythical charm? What can help each of us navigate in these stormy and uncharted seas? As always with answers, this one is deceptively simple. The use of common sense.

If I want my child to have direction, I must be a compass. If I want to my child to feel safe, I must offer an environment of safety. If I want my child to feel validated, I must give him an opportunity to be confident and successful. If I want my child to feel love, I must show him love in a million different ways. He or she first needs a sense of family. They need expectations and boundaries, tenderness and discipline, service and philanthropy, knowledge and education,and respect and courtesy. Care-givers must offer a house that welcomes friends and is filled with laughter. A gift to our children is a young life of exploration, discovery and wonder. It is just common sense that we model behavior, create a positive environment, and verbally communicate with our children. Growing successful and competent adults takes a plan. If children grow up helter- skelter, their adult lives will be just as fragmented and undirected.

One tool from this secret vault that I believe to be a no brainer is "find a passion." This is best done before the hormones kick in, but it is never too late. Finding a passion simply means, identify and nurture something your child is good at. Whether it is music or a sport or 4H or breaking a car down and putting it together, find something your personal child can focus all those budding hormones and all that angst on.

The restlessness and lack of direction so often seen in middle school and high school is easily deflected with a favorite way to spend time. Showing a horse, dance competitions, motocross racing, soccer tournaments or swimming competitively are all excellent activities within themselves, but even better, the nature of the activity involves a commitment other than the actual event. Say, horses and riding competitively is your child's interest. Livestock must be cared for, clubs and organizations foster friendships with like minded young people and to compete in the ring requires diligence in daily training.

Of course any sport demands practice, competition and the drive to excel. Camps and workshops further promote excellence and focus. Athletic performance demands a healthy life style and experienced team mates are role models to younger team members. We all know that good coaches can effectively influence a young man or woman for the rest of their life.

A passion for the Arts can last a lifetime. Classes, camps and private lessons give a budding musician or artist tools needed to develop in their medium. Exposure to museums, concerts, galleries and choral groups foster a passion to excel. Oklahoma offers a unique opportunity for young artists via the Oklahoma Arts Institute. http://oaiquartz.com/. Muskogee Little Theater will host a summer youth theatre program. http://www.muskogeelittletheatre.com/. Voice lessons are also available at MLT. The Muskogee Art Guild has art classes as do several private artists in this community. Local music businesses have contacts for guitar, drum and other instrument instruction.

I have never seen a more committed group of young men and women than the competitive Drama and Debate kids at my high school. They were truly passionate about their craft. Translate passionate into focus, and drive, and involved, and BUSY! Any type of leaders at a school are in short supply. (Which is in itself an indication of trouble) Foster and encourage leadership. Student Council, clubs and organizations don't merely get your child involved at their own school. Most organizations offer city, state and national opportunities that include travel, training and life skills.

No hocus pocus. No mumbo jumbo. Just common sense. Who better than a parent to identify a child's special gifts? The magic is to nurture and develop them by offering tools and opportunities to excel. Every child should have their chance to sparkle.

Dinner From a Box - Not!

I was thinking of doing a food article to help busy moms prepare fast dinners from a box based on a survey of what teenagers themselves said was good stuff. But, there's good news on the home front. When I asked my students to list five of their favorite meals prepared from a box, including frozen foods, they stared at me. Encouraging them, I gave some examples. "You know," I said, "macaroni and cheese, Hamburger Helper?" They still stared at me. Then they started chiming in, "My mom always cooks real food."

I was kind of incredulous. "You mean no frozen food or macaroni and cheese?" I asked in disbelief.

"I don't know why my mom would do that when she can prepare just as easy a meal using good, fresh, healthy food," said one sensible young man. Gotta love that, I thought. Still, hard pressed to appease my request, they did come up with a consensus.

Number one agreement with everyone was Stouffer's Lasagna. Having attended a football dinner - and those football moms really know how to cook - I can also add Sam's Club lasagna to the list as being very edible. And, my family's personal preference, Prego Vegetable Lasagna. Add a tossed salad with Italian dressing and some good garlic bread, and you're in business.

Beyond that, it gets kinda hazy. One young man said hands down it's Cheesburger Hamburger Helper - two boxes all to himself on his birthday, even if his family takes him out to dinner earlier. No sharing that with his siblings. There was a general concurrence, too, that Rice a Roni is verging on stupendous.

Frozen pizza was also on the list, as well as chicken wings, and of course, macaroni and cheese still seemed to be a fave. Then came mention of things no self-respecting mom would consider - Ramen noodles, for instance. Even the kids said too much MSG.

So, from what started out as a simple survey, I now had a sociological dilemma on my hands. Are moms are really cooking more, or are people going out to eat more, or are teens just not home to eat that often? I did some research. If my students are any indication, according to a report in American Demographics from buzzback.com, today's teens are truly more health conscious than those of the past. They want to eat well to feel good about themselves, and even though they may not achieve their goal completely, they are trying. That's encouraging.

One thing is for sure, that technological wonder of previous generations that helped working moms feed a hungry family, the boxed dinner, is not quite so appealing to this generation. Now that I think about it, I don't think I have seen so much as a Shake and Bake or Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercial in awhile. But I do see a line of people standing in front of the deli counter all the time. Hmmm...sandwiches, anyone?

Instant Empathy

Hallmark has introduced a new line of greeting cards, the "Journeys" series. Yes, you can still find the vitriolic old lady, cavorting dogs wearing birthday hats and the always cheery bluebird on a sunlit window sill, but something else is on the card aisle.

Welcome to the New Normal
Times have changed.

Issues have changed.

Our conversations about

what's going in our lives

have changed.

Real cards for the real life

challenges we face today.

Journeys

Brought to you by the caring folks at Hallmark

Four categories of sentiments are offered. There's "Show Support" (for coming out of the closet, addressing addictions or quitting bad habits); "Help Cope" (for infertility, miscarriage or caring for an aging parent); "Give Hope" ( for those awaiting test results, undergoing chemo or having surgery); and "Life Spirits" ( for job loss, depression, divorce or any all around bad situation).

Writer Meagan Daum believes we can learn a lot from these cards- and not just that coming

out of the closet falls into the same category as fighting addiction. (who knew?). Topics that before have left one stuttering, avoiding eye contact and frantically searching for the nearest exit can now be addressed easily with three dollars + tax and a 39 cent stamp.

"I'm sorry you lost your job but remember, your job is not who you are.

(open the card)

You have many great qualities and that's all that really matters.

We believe in you as much as ever.

Make sure you and all your co-workers sign this card and put the yellow (cheery color) envelope at the top of the poor guy's box as he packs his desk, his family pictures and his Company Service Plaques. Stand aside and wave gaily as he walks out the door. Now, doesn't that make you feel better?

What you did was amazing, beyond generous and kind.

(open the card)

You started a miracle. You gave the gift of life.

Could there be a better way to thank a family that has just lost a loved one, yet been generous and altruistic enough to follow though on an organ donation?

Hey Burl, stop at Wal Mart and let me run in and get a

pack of smokes and one of them Journey cards.

Want to send one right on to that young-un's folks.

Naw. I'm fine. New ticker is pumping jest like clockwork.

For people experiencing these issues, these short-cut sentiments desensitize and trivialize.

Drug addictions,and divorce, and eating disorders, and alcoholism, and sexual orientation, are personal life experiences, best shared with close friends and family. Summing up a rigorous and grueling bout of chemo treatment in 20 words or less does not smack of care and concern. Daum believes these cards give us permission to stick our nose into other people's business and at the same time, get credit for being thoughtful.

It is also disturbing that card manufacturers have also convinced caring folk that sending a "sorry about your bitter divorce" card is like a warm hug. It's not. Think homemade soup, a phone call, flowers from your garden, a hand knit scarf or an evening out, whatever is appropriate for the situation. The morning I lost my Mother a dear friend arrived with pots of pink geraniums for the planters on Mother's porch and cleaning supplies to get everything in order before people began to arrive. That is caring enough to give the very best.

Our children model what they see. Kindness and empathy are acquired behaviors. When my children were small, we made May Baskets and delivered them to friends and relatives who no longer had children at home. I can still see my little ones, sneaking up to a door, placing the basket on the porch, ringing the doorbell and sprinting back to the car. "Peal out Mom. Go. Go. Go! Were May Baskets my bright idea? Heavens no. When I was small, my Mother and I made doily cones with ribbon handles and filled them with whatever was blooming the 1st day of May. Did my Mother originate this tradition? No, her Mother, my Nanie did. Now a Mother herself, my oldest is talking about May basket surprises with her little girl.

It's our job to pass a kinder and gentler world on to our children. If we don't, who will? Oh yes. Now I remember. Hallmark.

What Kind of Parent Are you?

"...with lose-win, you may be popular in the short run because you essentially take the course of least resistance and continually let others have their way with you...It's a loss for both child and parent when the relationship is based on manipulation and popularity, rather than trust."
The 7 habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey


I have mentioned Dr. Lashley's courses in education at Northeastern State University. He is a certified Covey trainer and bases some of his course material on the 7 Habits books. During a lecture for the Great Expectations program, he outlined the four parenting styles from optimal to disastrous. Where do you fall in the parenting style order?

1. Win-Win Authoritative Parenting - in this style parents model competency. They show their children what competent adults do and how they become that way. They don't punish when they are angry. They try to show logically why behaviors are necessary. They maintain an atmosphere is the home in which children can grow to become healthy, competent adults themselves.

2. Win-Lose Authoritarian Parenting - in this style the parents win at the expense of the child. The parents punish when angry without giving a reason beyond "I said so." Parents ignore their children's needs because they are often obsessed with their own. They make their children's decisions, rather than helping their children arrive at logical conclusions. They produce dependent children.

3. Lose-Win Parenting. In this style the parents lose because they cow-tow to their children's every whim and desire. Parents take the blame for everything their children do and never let their kids suffer any consequences for bad behavior, or they find excuses for their child. This produces hostile and immature offspring.

4. Lose-Lose. This is negligence. It knows no monetary bounds, although we commonly think of impoverished families in cases of negligence. Drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental illness can contribute to negligence, as well as just ignorance. This produces people with a shame-based identity and poor self-esteem.

Many people struggle with their upbringing throughout much of their lives. Perhaps you recognize your parents' style in the list. Maybe you recognize your own parenting style there. If you are still struggling, there is time to come to terms with the past before you transfer that behavior over to your own children. As Dr. Lashley says, parents do the best they can with what they know. It's time to get smart!

Make a deposit into your teen's emotional bank account by baking some Hershey's "Hugs". Tuxedo Brownie Hugs Cookies

1 package Hersheys Hugs, 1 package Original Supreme Brownie Mix with Hershey's Syrup Pouch, 1/4 cup Hershey's cocoa, 1/4 cup water, 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 2 eggs:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Remove wrappers from Hershey's Hugs. Grease and flour cookie sheet. Stir brownie mix, Hershey's syrup pouch, cocoa, water, oil and eggs in medium bowl until well blended. Drop by scant teaspoon fulls onto prepared cookie sheet. Bake 8 minutes or until set. Cool 1 minute. Press Hug kisses into center of each cookie. Remove to wire rack to cool.

On Guard

The American military is in the news. Post Vietnam and before Desert Storm, most of us did not think much about the armed services. Now, the war in Iraq and American involvement in it is all anyone is talking about. One hot topic is how the men and women of the United States military are prepared for combat and for victory. Preparation and protocol is discussed, debated and argued by talking heads on television, radio and at public forums. In the interests of this column, I found an interesting parallel comparison by Family Matters founder, Dr. Tim Kimmell.

Kimmell states, "I am not going to go down the laundry list that makes up the biggest threats to your family. You should know them by now. If you cannot articulate them, then you might want to start running now; at least you can save yourself. But if you care about the people left in your charge, I thought you might benefit from the standing orders of those military men and women assigned to guard the perimeter."

Kimmell outlines "The General Orders of the Sentry". These instructions for military sentries are found in the Plebes Handbook, Reef Points, the US Naval Academy. He lists the points and then relates them to being a parent. They are good and they apply.

1. To take charge of this post and all government property in view. While we are on duty as Mothers and Fathers, we are to assume a position of leadership, keeping a good eye on everything and everyone in our care.
2.To walk my post in a military manner, keeping always on the alert and observing everything that takes place within sight or hearing. We are not to be mistaken for preoccupied, indulgent or "free-thinking" parents. We must pay attention!.
3.To report all violations of orders I am instructed to enforce. We do not do anyone any favors by ignoring the rules. Circumvented and flexible standards are useless and meaningless.
4. To repeat all calls from posts more distant from the guardhouse than my own. Everyone fares better when we keep the lines of communication open.
5. To quit my post only when properly relieved. For most, it is just before they embalm you.
6. To receive, obey, and pass on to the sentry who relieves me-of all orders from the commanding officer, officer of the day, and officers and non-commissioned officers of the guard only. The next generation will fare much better if we make sure they know what it takes to do their job well. I.E. A life well lived.
7. To talk to no one except in the line of duty. Beware of those who would distract you from doing what you know is best.
8. To give the alarm in case of fire or disorder. Do not worry about sounding foolish. Warn your teen of threats. Even if they choose to ignore you, at least they have no one to blame but themselves.
9. To call the commander of the relief in any case not covered by instructions. Pray, pray, pray!
10. To salute all officers, and all colors and standard not cased. Teach your children honesty, patriotism, respect and honor.
11. To be especially watchful at night and, during the time of challenging, to challenge all personnel on or near my post and to allow no one to pass without proper authority. Guard your children like a watch-dog. Question, inspect, assert and lead by example.

Just as American citizens are threatened by extremists who want to destroy our way of life, our way of life is also threatened by social and moral changes within itself. At the root of these threats sit people we love. America's children. As a parent we are called to duty, to vigilance and to courage. Kimmel calls us to hold our posts and think about others instead of ourselves. Adults in this society must surrender selfish interests and even disregard some of their own needs. Sacrifice is part of the commitment. And no matter what, "we grownups" must not turn tail and run.

Here's to the men and women who serve our country and lead by example. May God protect them and may our government find an effective and expedient way to bring them quickly back home. It's time.

Are You Hooked Up?

Driving home from Oklahoma City tonight, I did the usual and turned on NPR. The interview was a topic I had considered writing about, but had postponed, namely, teen sex. The commentator was interviewing Laura Sessions Stepp who has written a column about adolescence for the Washington Post for decades now. She also has a new book called Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both (released February 15th).

The interviewer began with stats about lower teen pregnancy rates, which had also just been published in an article in the Scout, Muskogee High School's student newspaper. Statistics on teen sex also seem to report lower incidences, but then, this is the post Bill/Monica generation that has a different definition of just what sex is, which makes it a little harder to get a real read on teen sexual behavior.

Stepp's book, however, follows girls aged 15 through college age for a year (although she says middle schoolers are getting hooked up, too), keeping track of how many times the girls "hooked up." Hooking up entails meeting someone without commitment for anything from just kissing to the real thing. What she found is that today's young women are not looking for the same relationship commitment as in by-gone days. They want the same freedom that a man has in respect to using someone for consensual pleasure and then tossing them (pl. intentionally used).

Only Stepp asserts that this is damaging to young women's self image. She feels they are not learning to form relationships from these experiences, and so are leading a flat, emotionless "unhooked" existence, rather than a passionate, joyful one. It's not so much the question of having sex that presents a problem for Stepp, as the lack of intimacy and joy that should result from the encounter. She claims that by delaying relationship commitment, today's young people aren't learning how to form solid relationships and are actually creating suspicion in the relationships they do have.

While it seems like I have observed this same behavior in some of the young people I know, Stepp has been tagged as hyper critical by the younger generation, who claim she doesn't understand them. They have an alternate scenario in which, rather than getting divorced later, they will wait until they find the right person, I guess from all this hooking up. Hey, it sounds good - young people have many things stored in their short term memories - why not add relationships, too? Add alot of alcohol, which Stepp claims is exacerbating this problem, and you can just forget it all.

Despite all the women's lib, one young man she interviewed claimed that hooking up just gave the guys more leeway to be bigger jerks. So, what did women really get for all their freedom? According to Stepp, not much. Girls still reported being just as disappointed when a guy did not call her the next day or even ask for her phone number as girls would have been back in the "free love" days. Brain chemicals at work again - during sex oxytocin is released which forms an emotional bond between partners (the chemical is also released by lactating mothers to form bonds with their babies). The more intense the experience, the more oxytocin is released. The next great question may be how to unhook ourselves, especially our emotional selves, from nature.

We can conquer certain parts of nature, though. One way, at least physically, is the new HPV inoculation, which can at least free girls from the threat of cervical cancer. Texas is requiring it as an additional vaccination. I was wondering what you all thought about that. Would you get the vaccine for your daughter voluntarily, or do you think it should be required by law? Let me know what you think and hook me up with some answers to these perplexing problems.