Grab Mother and Son Time in Preteen Years

I always loved the movie Angels in the Outfield, not because I love Danny Glover or Angels or sentimentality, but because the mom turned out to be the owner of the baseball glove.

Lots of girls are brought up thinking they can do the same things guys can do. Shoot guns, play football, skateboard, run faster and fly higher than the boys. As a mom the role changes ever so imperceptibly - you don't really see it coming - from being one of the guys to being the guide on the side.

Eleven or twelve, can't remember what the cut off was, maybe 10...that was his age when I went from showing my son cool skateboarding tricks to watching, and that is how it should be.

So, when my son (now 19) and I were brainstorming things moms can do with their sons, in every instance the mom was the passive bystander - cool with me, at least mom gets to be there. Barring special, high dollar excursions, here is our list of suggestions for mother-son activities - yours are probably much more exciting:

1. BMX Bike Trail at River Parks in Tulsa. I loved throwing the bikes into the back of the truck - John, Matt's and Aaron's - and watching them ride up and down, doing crazy tricks, while I tried to pretend I was reading a book, rather than spazzing out over who might break their arm. Good times. I am sure the bikes are different today and there are other places to ride, but definitely do this. My neighbor has taken her son on Freewheel - what a great memory he will always have of his mother.

2. Across from River Parks in Tulsa is Tom's River Trails Bike Shop. Tom is the coolest ever - he sells bikes and skateboards. He also rents bikes of all kinds to ride along the river. A trip in to look at the skateboards and bikes was always fun. Sadly, Muskogee is now lacking a good bike shop, but Tom's, Lee's, or Sun and Ski always provide entertainment. Window shopping for guys.

3. Skateboarding Park - or make your own. Actually, I am glad these thrilling days of yester-year are over. I was always scared for broken bones. We did (do) have our own grinding rail (thanks, Henry) now collecting dirt in our back yard. Did you know you can also buy a mountain skateboard? A monstrous affair fit for breaking your neck falling down a mountain. Maybe just mountain biking is safer.

4. Just go get a Coke or food - guys like food.

5. Go clothes shopping. Guys like clothes just as much as girls.

6. Take your son to a museum or other cultural event. You may have to include food or a movie.

I left out the watching of hundreds of hours of sporting events, as you know you'll be there anyway. These suggestions have been made partly tongue-in-cheek. They work well only between the ages of about 11 and 13. You'd better have gotten it all in by that time. After that they're on their own. But, you will both be left with the memories of that grand time when you were still just one of the guys.

Mothers, let us know other suggestions for activities to do with your son as he gets older. I'm sure you have a lot of great memories!

Better Safe Than Missing

I have never been an overly nervous parent. "Careful, you'll put your eye out"; or "don't run so fast, you'll fall and get hurt"; or "stay in the shallow end"; were not often heard from me. My youngest had to be frisked at pre-school after he got his brother's pocket knife out of the house and to The Learning Tree. Please! I don't think 4 year olds should carry weapons, but at our house, if there was a will there was a way. My children built, rode, shot, fished, skied, ran, swam, competed, explored,slid, hammered, and climbed. Wagner off-spring were as foot loose and fancy free as I could let them think they were, (while still keeping an eye and an ear on them). Their childhood was as open as their imaginations. They explored their world in a fearless pack with like- minded buddies. Consequently, they grew up unafraid and able to handle any situation.
I was never an alarmist and still tend to be pretty laid back about news stories and supposed dangers. One out of a million, yet terrifying stories are picked up by the news service, and parents all over the U.S. panic. It's not children abducted and sold to the white slave trade that concerns me. For me, it's more things like child abuse, poverty, poor education, lack of health care and the break-down of the family that keep me up at night.
BUT:
In light of the recent random abductions of young girls, it seemed our column might be a good forum to remind our young girls (and young men) about being alert and staying safe. Here are some tips from the web and from weekly magazines.


1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
Toss it away from you.....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.
4. Do not get into a car and just sit. Balance your checkbook somewhere else.

The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you and the horn will automatically start sounding off. if the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
5. Getting into your car in a parking lot:
A.Be aware: Look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor,
and in the back seat.
B. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door . Victims are pulled into vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. Even simpler, just be sure someone else is around you before you get into the car.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.

6. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times;
And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

7. Women are very sympathetic: STOP !
Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle, which is when he abducted his victim. If you think someone really needs help, find other people to offer assistance.


Our kids don't need to be terrified, but certainly they should be educated. Just like knowing CPR, they should all know how to protect themselves. I guess we all should............... Sigh.

Teenagers Are Expensive

Ok, you thought having a baby was expensive? All those diapers and formula, daycare and doctor's visits?

Wait until that precious little baby is a teenager. Kids get cheaper for a little while when they are between the ages of about seven and thirteen. Doctor's visits are fewer, there aren't as many wants, nobody cares too much about clothing labels. People are happy with a bike, a skateboard, and a Wii. For about six years you are deliriously happy with your economic state and you don't even know it.

Then, the barrage of expenses hits like a ton of bricks slowly emptying out of the back of a dump truck. A few bricks at a time, until the whole load finally hits you during your child's sophomore year in college. As you are saying goodbye to the teen years forever, the outflow of money is still rising. You are bleeding green by that time.

What could possibly be so expensive? Here's a list:
*a car and insurance (but, yes, your child can help pay for part of that, even though his/her school work may suffer - lol)
*clothes, clothes, and more clothes, only of a very expensive kind approved of by the in crowd (see Chrissie's previous post)
*braces and 7 retainers lost in the cafeteria trash
*dances and dresses/tuxes to wear
*lessons and sports of every imaginable kind
*eating out with everyone else who is eating out
*school - now I know it doesn't seem like school should be expensive, but it is. Clubs, trips, AP Exams, Science Fair, projects, Prom, lost books, choir dresses, fundraisers in which you buy almost all the stuff....it's expensive
*senior pictures and activities
*college tuition
*sororities and fraternities
*that $17,000 expected family contribution the fafsa thinks you can pay - twice if you have two children in college :)

Has it occurred to anyone else that we might need some Depression Era tactics fairly soon? Higher gas prices are beginning to take their toll on people's budgets, as well as on businesses in our area. Wal Mart told me the other day, as well as other merchants in the city, that shoplifting is on the rise. That cost, like health care abuses, gets passed on to one person - US, but it only matters to us in our own individual pocketbooks.

How do you save money in certain places? Use dryer sheets twice? Take your lunch to work? Eat out only five times a week (just kidding)?

Just this past week I had my children's line disconnected. My son, John, is the last one living at home for the summer and he uses his cell phone most of the time. I should have disconnected it last summer, but it was the very last vestige of my former life with children at home, knowing their names were listed in the phone book at our address. Although it cost me money to have it disconnected, it will save me money in the long run.

If you have any great ideas for saving more money, let me know. I know many of you have successfully put your children through professional school and I admire you greatly!

Popular. I Want To Be Popular.

I saw the musical "Wicked" last week in Oklahoma City and was delighted with the show. The sets, costumes, songs and story were all top notch and the flying monkeys were an added crowd pleaser. If anyone out there needs a director for a less ambitious but thoroughly captivating "Wicked" production, let me know. Having flown Peter Pan, flying monkeys don't intimidate me, for a smaller venue, it's the staging and lighting that might need to be altered a little

A a musical theatre groupie, I can't help but find life lessons in music and lyrics. The philosophy of "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line applies not only the love of dance but sacrifices made for any great love. South Pacific's ,"You've Got to Be Taught" not only speaks of prejudice and intolerance but reminds the listener children learn what they hear from those closest to them. "Popular" from Wicked applies to Mel's last blog regarding girls and their image. We may not agree but we know where Galinda is coming from. We were there. We were concerned. We were 14.

I have mentioned this song in an earlier blog. Galinda, (you have to see the show to get her name) is taking Elsiba under her wing. Think Legally Blonde meets young Friday of the
Addams family.

I'll teach you the proper ploys

When you talk to boys.

Everything that really counts.....To be popular

You'll hang with the right cohorts, You'll be good at sports

I know about popular.

And with an assist from me

To be who you'll be, Instead of dreary who-you-were:......uh, are:

When I see depressing creatures

With unprepossessing features

I remind them on their own behalf

To think of Celebrated Heads of State or specially Great Communicators

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Don't make me laugh! They were popular! Please -

It's all about popular! It's not about aptitude

It's the way you're viewed

So it's very shrewd to be

Very, very popular, Like me!

"Today" show contributor, Ruth A Peters, Ph.D. recently discussed teen girls and self-confidence. What leads to self-confidence? Suggesting to a tween or teen that social standing and popularity are unimportant to feel confident will most likely be met with deep sighs and eye-rolling.

Teens have always and will always continue to worry about popularity. It is a normal preoccupation of adolescence. Dr. Peters argues that parents need to be realistic, not rigidly idealistic, in terms of expecting their teen to be able to rise above the power of social pressure. It really hurts to feel invisible at school, believing that if you didn’t show up no one would notice. Or, to sit home with the folks on the weekend, assuming that the other kids are having the time of the lives "out there"

We parents need to realize that often girls need to first fit in on more superficial levels (clothing, hair style, and looking like "twinkies") before they can begin to feel comfortable displaying their individuality. When a teen feels socially secure she is no longer as distracted or as anxious. Chances are that she will then have the confidence and the focus to take a stand on issues such as the environment, politics or promoting animal rights. She'll join clubs, volunteer at the food pantry or befriend kids who may not be as popular.

To best set the stage for your teens journey through adolescence, parents should consider the following: Try to understand how your teen girl feels, perceives and defines her world even if you disagree with her perceptions. Peter's reminds us that understanding does not mean agreeing. Remember how being 14 years old was for you; bad skin, glasses, mean girls, praying for the phone to ring, boys, and all that 14 year old angst.

Tools offered by Dr. Peters.
1. Become informed about modern "girl" culture (what is cool, what is not), issues (boyfriends, sexuality, substance usage) and communication tools (MySpace, instant messaging, cell phones). (Hopefully The Care and Feeding of Teenagers has helped.)
2. Understand the self-absorption. It is not necessarily selfishness; she needs to feel confident before she can begin to put family into proper perspective.
3. Foster her involvement in activities, skill development and interests.
4. Do not diminish her angst....perhaps silly to you, her hurts really do hurt.
5. Learn about lunchroom politics that may be downright cruel and how little control your kid may have within this setting.
6. Understand that thin is in, whether it is healthy or not. Again, understanding does not mean agreeing.
7. Find and retain the guts to parent wisely, even though your teen girl may profess to hate you at the moment.
8. Understand the lure of substance use and find out what you can do to better drug-proof your daughter.
9. Learn to listen effectively even though Precious may be unreasonable, bull-headed, or just downright nasty.
10. Set rules that are fair, clear, and attached to consequences that can be followed consistently.

11. Promote a sense of spirituality of helping others and fostering a belief in giving back.

Finally, identify you Family Code of Values and how you exemplfy and teach these in your home. If you write them down, you'll probably be pleased at the list. My list may be a little different than yours, but hopefully, we are instilling values in our children that will add to their quality of life and to the common good for all of us.

Daddy, Do I Look Fat?

I would like to add an aspect to Father's Day issues addressed in Chrissie's last blog, namely the influence a father exerts on his daughter's healthy psychological development. In the last two decades research has indicated that a father's unconditional regard for his daughter affects her self-esteem and ability to find a stable relationship, whereas a mother's opinion has only a marginal affect. Dads, therefore, should reinforce to their daughters that they are bright and beautiful young women.

Numerous studies have proven this theory time and again. It has also been shown that men are affected by unconditional acceptance from their fathers, too. Fathers should be careful to accentuate the positive in their relationships with their children, both the boys and the girls.

Why would fathers be a key factor in the development of their daughters' (and sons') self-esteem? Mothers give unconditional love. It is almost always a given, a sure thing. A father's love, however, has to be earned, and so has a merit or weight to it that gives veracity to a child's developing ego.

How a man treats his wife in front of the children also has a bearing on a young woman's self-worth. It has been shown that if a man outwardly illustrates that he values women, his daughter's self esteem correlates positively, even if the mother is a strong role model who also has a successful career outside of the home.

Statistics improve drastically for girls who have this positive affirmation of unconditional love from their fathers. Chance of drug usage and engaging in dangerous behaviors goes way down for girls who have this positive relationship with their fathers.

So what is a dad to do? You don't have to go overboard with the compliments. Insincerity is easily detected by the young. It is important to go to your daughter's sporting events as much as your son's. Tell your daughter she is pretty, smart, or comment on other positive attributes. Take her shopping or do other things she likes to do. Value her opinions and include her in your conversations.

And if she asks, "Daddy, do I look fat," don't hesitate, not even for a minute.

Happy Father's Day to all you great dads out there. You have a tremendously important job to do and society often does not give you the credit you deserve!

If You're A Dad.........

Father's Day is Sunday. As Bill Cosby says, " Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap- on- a- rope." Be prepared to ooh and ahh over bad ties, books you will never read and yet another set of Bar-B-Que tools.

You men are just hard to buy for. A popular bumper sticker is, "the difference between men and boys is the price of their toys." A Transformer or Spiderman Web Thrower is do-able, an Arctic Cat or new Bass boat is usually not. As you open the Father's Day presents this year, look at the real gifts, grinning back at you. The smiling faces of your children.

Dad means a lot of different things today. Have you ever thought about what Father means at your house? Good Dad is active, participating, encouraging and involved. Passive, sidelined, negative and pre-occupied is Bad Dad. These little people called children are like sponges. The learn what they live. Fathers are 1/2 the factor that determines the men and women our children will become. Kind of sobering isn't it?

Let me turn this gift thing around. How about this Father's Day, you re-evaluate the Dad you are. After some introspection, if all things seem copacetic, good for you. If little alarm bells are going off, good for you too. Identifying potential Bad Dad baggage is half the battle. The beauty is, your children love you so much, they are ready, willing and able to let you re-program.

The first gift to give our children is a Father and Mother who love and respect each other. This is a unified couple that kids know they can depend on and who model a good marriage. A good marriage takes work and commitment. A good marriage is not a perfect marriage, but through good and bad times, children see their parents work things out, together.

Other important gifts we give our kids are a moral compass and a good work ethic. A strong and unwavering belief system of right and wrong is imperative in a family. How we "do things" and how we contribute as human beings should be assimilated as children grow and mature. Also, to succeed and live abundantly requires discipline and hard work. Children should know all things are not given, whether it be material possessions, success in school or respect from the world who watches us.

Maybe the hardest one of all is the gift of time. Dinner at the table. Conversation over a carburetor. Dad taking his 13 year old daughter to the mall for a shopping trip. Television's off. Game Boards out. Less golf on Saturday. More family time, doing what you mutually enjoy, together. Give Mom a night off and Dad and kids cook dinner. Plan road trips. Build a fort or a playhouse together. Splurge on tickets to anything you and (or) your children love- George Strait, a Muscle Car Show, a Daddy and Me Dance, a traveling Broadway musical, a museum exhibit....broaden their vision of the world and at the same time, they will always associate the experience with you.

Teach faith. Live healthy. Speak kindly. Give generously. Model success. Speak the truth. Love unconditionally. Encourage and exhort. Laugh often. Discipline fairly. Be consistent. Be trustworthy. Sacrifice. Be open. Keep growing. Listen.....and keep learning

Freud said he could not think of anything in childhood as strong as the need to feel protected by one's Father. If you are a Father, take the time to tell your children you love them. Tell them why you are proud of who they are and what they are becoming. Plan something to do together. Your child needs to hear and believe in all the world, they are your #1 priority. Of course they are, but sometimes, as living gets so complicated, it's easy to forget.

School's Out for the Summer

A few weeks ago a mother asked what she could do with her pre-teens for summer entertainment. I would like to suggest reading, even though people normally tune out the minute reading is mentioned. Like, 'yeh, yeh, we've been reading since about 4,000 B.C. - don't you have anything new?" I don't mean reading all the time, but only casually after a day's worth of activities, in the airconditioning, relaxed on the couch, maybe for an hour. A kind of home version of drop everything and read programs used at school.

The kiddos may not like it, but they need to do it, like brushing their teeth. It correlates with every skill necessary for success in the modern world from the ACT to getting a driver's license to finding information in the Internet (you are reading this, after all). If someone asked a pre-teen to put on a virtual helmet and experience King Arthur's court, he would shout "hecks yeah!" But, they can do the very same thing within their very own video camera of the mind's eye by reading a book. Reading exercises the mind's creativity and imagination, instead of relying on Steven Speilberg's (which, ok, is a pretty good one).

Pre-teens hopefully do not have a mandatory summer reading list. They still have the leisure of choosing their own subject matter. Check to see if your pre-teen has read these books. They are some of my all time favorites. You probably have ones you would add from your own childhood - let me know:

Nancy Drew Mysteries - I can't wait for the Nancy Drew movie! If your daughter hasn't read any of the Nancy Drew books, get her one before or after the movie debutes.

The Chronicles of Narnia - all volumes. Most people are very familiar with The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, since it has been made into a movie several times, but the whole series is fabulous.

His Dark Materials Trilogy - This is for the seriously metaphysical pre-teen through adult reader, inspired by John Milton's Paradise Lost. A very philosophical student loaned me his to read and I loved it. The first of the three, The Amber Spyglass, is due out as a movie December 2007 starring Nicole Kidman as the chilling Mrs. Coulter. Just got rave reviews at the Cannes Film Festival. The books are a coming-of-age story following a young girl, Lyra Bellaqua, who sets out from Oxford to rescue her friend Roger. The other two books are The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass. They are very serious stuff.

Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid - I am buying several copies of this book for both my pre-teen nephew, Noah, and my friends who haven't completely grown up yet. By the author of the Lemony Snickett series, which is also a great one, his "truths" are fantastic advice for the pre-teen in everyone. It's easy to read, not very long. A fun, fun book.

The Dangerous Book for Boys - authors Con and Hal Iggulden expected to get boos from parents for this book. Instead it has gone into its fifth printing. I LOVE the chapter on making bows and arrows, as I always used to do that when I was in my tomboy phase. A great book for dads and sons - in fact, might be a good Father's Day present.

Those are just a few suggestions. The readings don't have to be perfect, the whole book doesn't have to be finished. I am a firm believer that, just as virtue ethics are not dead (it's the trying that counts), reading is not dead, either (it's the trying that counts). If your child thinks the book is boring, get another one and keep trying!!

Here Comes The Sun

I took my granddaughter swimming and was given strict instructions regarding sun-screen, sun hats and sun times. I listen now. I am afraid I was not quite so diligent with my own children and I know I was not careful when I was young. Dear friends Carol, Mallory and I would make a wild concoction of baby oil and iodine and literally fry ourselves all day. The oil would bake us and the iodine would dye us. Add the lemon we slathered in our hair and I am sure our aromas preceded any arrivals. Those were the good old days!

Have you been checked for sun damage? I was. Get a look at yourself in that black light and you may never go out in the sunshine again. It was horrible. Who knew all that was underneath my skin, just waiting to emerge, one spot at a time.

I loved to tan. I love to tan. It feels good. It makes you happy. Everyone knows tan skin is better than lily white, under a rock, death warmed over skin. Even grandmother's would say, "honey, you just need a little color." Sigh. I can't even put on the fake bake anymore because all those lovely sun spots (i.e. sun damaged skin) won't take the color the same way. I look like an orange cheetah.

Are our teens listening to the dangers of ultra-violet rays? They should be, but they are not. My non-scientific poll indicates they tan winter and summer. Tanning beds are a popular and readily available solution to keeping that bronze glow all year. Unfortunately, they are also just as harmful as the "real deal." They are just as harmful and they are also available 24/7, three hundred and thirty five days a year.

Ultra-violet light in sunshine causes skin to tan by stimulating production of melanin, the skin's pigment. This light is found in sunshine and in a tanning bed. Ultraviolet light is the chief cause of three types of skin cancer: melanoma, basil cell carcinoma and squamous cell carcinoma. The Oklahoman reports that nearly 720 new cases of melanoma are expected to be reported in Oklahoma this year.

We wouldn't let our children smoke in front of us, take drugs, drink in front of us...we wouldn't let them do anything harmful to themselves. Yet if they haven't slathered on the sunscreen when they're at the lake, mowing the lawn, or participating in a sporting event, we are allowing them to do something potentially dangerous. Something potentially deadly.

We kept them protected when they were small. Remind them to protect themselves now. Keep the sun block products readily available. If the skin cancer data doesn't scare them, maybe the future skin damage and wrinkles data will.