May the Circle Remain Unbroken Redux

Chrissie's loving post about her new grandchild and her family's having come full circle reminded me of an online conversation I had a few weeks ago. I was monitoring posts on the Charlaine Harris website (she is a novelist living in Fayettville, AR.) when "Hockeymom" mentioned that she had just recently apologized to her mother for her behavior as a teenager. She told her mother how much she loved her and appreciated her. What prompted this apology was that "Hockeymom" was now herself the mother of a 14-year-old son.

I loved the fact that she apologized to her mom. Have you had that conversation with your parents yet? I remember rather sheepishly saying "sorry" to my dad, too, for whatever grief, however small it may have been, that I caused him and my mother, who passed away 22 years ago, just a few months before the birth of my first child.

I have missed having my mom here tremendously, to give child-rearing advice and to get to know the two super people her grandchildren have become. I wish I could have had a chance to apologize to her, too. Once you are on the other side of the parenting issue, every uncool action your parents took, which seemed so stupid to you at the time, becomes crystal clear.

Life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards.

There are lessons to be learned from this. One is that for now, it's our turn to be the uncool parents who monitor the Internet, phone usage, and tv. We impose limits, such as bedtimes, the money dole, curfews, and how many text messages we are willing to pay for (none, as far as I'm concerned, until Cingular, or ATT, or whatever they are going to call themselves, makes incoming text messages free).

Our children may be exhibiting a great disdain for us and our rules right now. But, we know that they will all too quickly be on the other side of the teen years and will clearly understand why we imposed certain restrictions, while "everyone else's parents let them ... " Be confident in this solidly nerdy stance. We know we are right. We must brace ourselves for the evil looks, the tears, the slammed doors, the silent treatment. We all will survive the teenage years. And, we won't have to say "I told you so" or mutter something about payback under our breath, because chances are, if we do things right, our children will end up apologizing to us, too. And, scary thought, alot of their ideas about how to treat us will come from what they have observed about how we treat our parents now, so beware!

Secondly, we may be making decisions we think are right for our children at the moment, but for which we may later be sorry. Examples could be not making them take harder classes during middle school and high school, letting them quit a sport or music lesson, allowing them to work too many hours and miss all their high school activities, or letting them continue going out with that guy we feel uneasy about. Alot of the confusion can come from the fact that we are tired of fighting or are going through the final stages of our own growing up.

For all of us, life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards. So, I guess my point is that life flies at us so quickly, in the confusion we want to work it out so that we make it to the point that Chrissie describes in her last post. That is the ultimate goal. A simple Cherokee proverb probably best describes the way to come full circle in life:

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

If we can just make that our credo when dealing with a frustrating teenager who stayed out past curfew again, or forgot his math book on his dresser again and we have to drive it out to the school, or any myriad of things a teen can do to aggravate and annoy, then the apology is well on its way, even though it doesn't really have to be said. Live life forward with intent, so that when you look back you don't need do-overs. As cliche as it is, leave a legacy. That's all there is to it.

Oh, and.....thanks, Mom, for putting up with the teenaged me. Now I know. I forgot to mention, too, that seven years later on the day my mom passed away, my beautiful neice, Katy, was born. As Chrissie so aptly put it, may the circle remain unbroken for all of us!

Katy's Favorite Angel Food Cake Dessert

1 angel food cake, prepared

1 package Dream Whip (will need milk and vanilla, too)

1 container frozen strawberries with syrup

Tear up angel food cake into bite-sized pieces in medium-large bowl. Prepare Dream Whip according to directions. Pour strawberries (I do drain mine just a little tiny little bit) onto angel food cake and mix gently. Gently fold in Dream Whip. Chill until ready to serve, but does get soggy after a few hours.