Quite a holiday wasn't it? We don 't often get a White Christmas in northeast Oklahoma. Now I'll remember to not get too sentimental about a snowy Christmas morning. It was doubly difficult because many can't just hunker down and stay by the fire like a normal snowy day. There were groceries to buy, gifts to deliver and families waiting for their loved ones arrival. Lots of plans were changed and lots of people were disappointed.
My group was pretty lucky. Everyone was here before the snows came. My oldest son blasted out of OKC at 8:00 or Christmas Eve morning. If he had left much later, he would have had to turn around. Christmas Eve Dinner went from 60 to 20, my cousin was resigned and gracious as the calls kept coming in. She always hosts a beautiful party for her extended family-and those of us who made it had a wonderful time!
Christmas morning my boys and husband fashioned an "Over the River" sleigh to bring part of the family up from across the street. Grandchildren and in-laws arrived via a 4 -wheeler and flatbed, wrapped in lap blankets with Champ the Wonder Dog running merrily behind the entourage. My son-in-law's San Diego brother called it a red neck snow-mobile. He was right!!
Christmas night, the kids' friends found it no problem to make it up our icy driveway. As Mel advised, there was plenty of food and drink and a fire roaring in the outdoor fireplace. Snowball fights resulted, just as when they were little. There is nothing I like better than going to sleep with the sound of their laughter echoing through the house.
We did have a bump in the next day's plans. Traveling to my brother Eddie's in Bixby to spend Christmas with our extended family was a little harrowing. In a two car caravan, we set out.....turkey, presents and grand babies in tow. Husband Warren was not to sure about the roads, as he repeated often during the drive........I pish - poshed his concern, commenting on the beautiful scenery between Haskell and Leonard. The scenery was a lovely backdrop as daughters Catherine and Annie (with two little ones in car seats), gracefully slid off the highway into a rather large and deep ditch. Let it be noted there were only two "I told you so's" -then my hero of a husband swung into action.
We barreled through a cattle gate with three NO TRESPASSING signs. Two huge dogs lunged on their chains as Wag knocked on the trailer door. A bearded man answered in his pajama bottoms. After a short explanation with much gesticulating , the good soul reved up his huge backhoe thingy and chugged through his pasture toward my stranded family. Grandson Wagner's (John Deere Tractor Boy) dream came true as he woke up from his travel nap to the huge machine coming right at him. The car was pulled out and we turned around, our lovely December 26th afternoon thwarted by icy roads and my husband's unwillingness to try again. I mean, we were almost there!
I know you all have your own tales from Christmas 2009. We can either laugh or cry, and it was kind of a grand adventure. One thing that happens when we can't control events is that we appreciate our times together even more. My brother is still waiting for that Wagner smoked turkey! I'm coming bro. Just waiting for the next snowstorm to pass. chrissie
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I'll Be Home for Christmas, For a Minute
Christmas brings with it a certain sentimentality and expectation of tradition. Part of that tradition is the anticipation of spending time with our teenaged and college-aged children. But part of their growing up is also growing away and developing other friendships that will carry them through long after we are gone. After the dirty laundry that piled up during final exams is deposited, friends will call and a mad dash will be made for the door. The day after Christmas, they will be bored. What should we do?
First, sync everyone's plans and let the kids know when their attendance at family functions and social events is mandatory. That will help allay any miscommunication and get everyone where they are supposed to be on time and in good form.
Next, make sure your children's friends are welcome at your house. Have food on hand. Rent movies and video games. Make being at your house fun, that way the kids won't have to run away. You can also make it a tradition to take in a holiday movie with all the gang.
Never underestimate the power of being in a good mood. You can't be in a good mood all the time, but you can be aware of when your holiday passive-aggressiveness is about to show. Remain calm. Be happy - it's Christmas only once a year. Keep in mind what is important regardless of money or gifts that are the wrong size or color. Be mindful of when your expectations for perfection are overpowering being in the here and now. Help others keep perspective, too. It will improve everyone's holiday.
Finally, just go with the flow. They'll be home for Christmas, but only for a minute!! Enjoy it!! Merry Christmas and a happy, happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Focus. Focus.
Deep Breath. Put the "To Do" List down. Relax. Remember Moms- it's our holiday too.
I let myself get into a twit over Thanksgiving this year. All the family had a wonderful time, which was the point, but I hardly remember the day. I called my daughter the a few days later and asked her, "Did I have gravy?" Well, I did but I have absolutely no recollection of making the roux, adding the stock or seasoning the gravy. Now, gravy is something that takes a little planning. Is it thickening? Is it lumpy? Does it need a little salt? Gravy was on the table, I just don't remember how. That is preoccupied with a capital P.
So, Christmas. Shopping. Baking. Decorating. Wrapping. Polishing. Cleaning. Traveling. If your house is where everyone comes, it is daunting. I have heard people say they aren't putting up a tree this year. Others who bring Christmas dinner home- baked, roasted and ready to put on the table. I say, it you can get away with it, more power to you! I guess, though it is more work, the traditions and the work that goes along with it is what means Christmas for many of us. Dragging out the scraggly Santa that Aunt Mary made, polishing the silver bells to hang on the wreath at the front door, cutting out endless cookies and children, now grandchildren,getting sprinkles everywhere-somehow that is Christmas for me.
I promised myself after Thanksgiving that I would approach Christmas with a clear head and common sense this year. Two good examples that support my objective. # 1. I attended the Community Choir's Messiah last night with dear friends. #2. I drove around the parking lot at Woodland Hills Mall yesterday and drove right back out again. There is nothing there that warrants the traffic and the crowds.
I just mailed a "Finals Box" for my youngest. It contained some goodies to study with. Below are two favorites that are easy, fast and travel well. They are both great to tie up in cellophane gift sacks for little thank you's or favors.
Seasoned Pretzels
Mix together the following until well blended.
1 pkg ranch dressing mix
1 T lemon pepper
1 heaping tsp cayenne pepper
1 T garlic powder
3/4 cup vegetable oil
Put pretzels in a plastic bag and pour mixture - seal and shake to coat. Soak overnight.
Puppy Chow
Microwave until melted and smooth
1/2 cup margarine
1 cup peanut butter
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
In a large bowl -Pour above mixture over one 15 oz pkg Crispix cereal
Mix gently to coat well.
Place 4 cups powdered sugar in a large bag. Add cereal mixture and shake to coat well. Spread on foil or tray to dry. Store in airtight container.
Enjoy the season. Remember the reason. Don't only be pleasin'. chrissie
I let myself get into a twit over Thanksgiving this year. All the family had a wonderful time, which was the point, but I hardly remember the day. I called my daughter the a few days later and asked her, "Did I have gravy?" Well, I did but I have absolutely no recollection of making the roux, adding the stock or seasoning the gravy. Now, gravy is something that takes a little planning. Is it thickening? Is it lumpy? Does it need a little salt? Gravy was on the table, I just don't remember how. That is preoccupied with a capital P.
So, Christmas. Shopping. Baking. Decorating. Wrapping. Polishing. Cleaning. Traveling. If your house is where everyone comes, it is daunting. I have heard people say they aren't putting up a tree this year. Others who bring Christmas dinner home- baked, roasted and ready to put on the table. I say, it you can get away with it, more power to you! I guess, though it is more work, the traditions and the work that goes along with it is what means Christmas for many of us. Dragging out the scraggly Santa that Aunt Mary made, polishing the silver bells to hang on the wreath at the front door, cutting out endless cookies and children, now grandchildren,getting sprinkles everywhere-somehow that is Christmas for me.
I promised myself after Thanksgiving that I would approach Christmas with a clear head and common sense this year. Two good examples that support my objective. # 1. I attended the Community Choir's Messiah last night with dear friends. #2. I drove around the parking lot at Woodland Hills Mall yesterday and drove right back out again. There is nothing there that warrants the traffic and the crowds.
I just mailed a "Finals Box" for my youngest. It contained some goodies to study with. Below are two favorites that are easy, fast and travel well. They are both great to tie up in cellophane gift sacks for little thank you's or favors.
Seasoned Pretzels
Mix together the following until well blended.
1 pkg ranch dressing mix
1 T lemon pepper
1 heaping tsp cayenne pepper
1 T garlic powder
3/4 cup vegetable oil
Put pretzels in a plastic bag and pour mixture - seal and shake to coat. Soak overnight.
Puppy Chow
Microwave until melted and smooth
1/2 cup margarine
1 cup peanut butter
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
In a large bowl -Pour above mixture over one 15 oz pkg Crispix cereal
Mix gently to coat well.
Place 4 cups powdered sugar in a large bag. Add cereal mixture and shake to coat well. Spread on foil or tray to dry. Store in airtight container.
Enjoy the season. Remember the reason. Don't only be pleasin'. chrissie
Monday, November 30, 2009
Who's the Boss?
Do you sometimes feel your teen shows you a lack of respect? Do your expectations not result in desired results? Does it it feel like you have lost control over your child and your home? Are your threats and cajoling falling on deaf ears? I promise, you are not alone. It is normal for tweens and teens to test their boundaries and question your authority. Normal, yes. Acceptable. No.
OK. Problem addressed. Now, how about a solution for getting your parent role back? Dr. Kevin Leman, contributor to Dr. James Dobson's magazine, Focus on the Family, offers the following insight.
It all comes down to who is really in charge in your family. Today's parents don't often act like parents. They are so concerned about being their child's friend, making sure their child is happy and successful, they fail in their most important role- to parent. They snowplow their child's road in life, clearing the path so the child never has to be uncomfortable or go out of her way. Mom and Dad become servants rather that parents who are preparing their children to be responsible and contributing citizens.
As a result, today's kids are becoming more powerful. They're all about me, me, me and gimmee. They are held less accountable for their actions and have less responsibilities in the family. Family becomes not what you give, but what you get. They rarely consider others besides themselves because they have never been taught to think that way.
Every child has a predictable strategy. He plays a trial and error game that is designed to get the best of you. He wins when he gets what he wants. If slamming the door has you trotting after your daughter with the car keys, she'll be more dramatic the next time. Children are masters at manipulation.
Leman offers the following strategy to regain your authority and insure your child is respectful and obedient.
Let Reality be the Teacher
Let nature take it's course. Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility.
Learn to Respond Rather than React
Often, parents react rather than respond. Our emotions get the better of us and we speak without thinking first. If the doctor says, " You responded to your medication," that's a good thing. If the doctor says, "you reacted to your medication," that's bad. Think about the difference when sweet thing asks (Insert anything here)....#1-I'm thinking of getting a tattoo...#2-There is a co-ed slumber party this weekend after the game...#3. I just don't think college is for me...
B Doesn't Happen Until A is Completed
You never have to change this strategy. It works every time with every age. If you've asked your child to do something, and it's not done, you don't go on until the next event-no matter what the event is. The secret here is consistency. Attitudes and behaviors may get worse for a time. Don't panic, it means you're on the right track. There is no threatening, no harassing, no warning. There are no put-downs. What is, is.
As you work together on attitude, behavior and character, you'll be building a relationship that is mutually satisfying. It's worth the effort. chrissie
OK. Problem addressed. Now, how about a solution for getting your parent role back? Dr. Kevin Leman, contributor to Dr. James Dobson's magazine, Focus on the Family, offers the following insight.
It all comes down to who is really in charge in your family. Today's parents don't often act like parents. They are so concerned about being their child's friend, making sure their child is happy and successful, they fail in their most important role- to parent. They snowplow their child's road in life, clearing the path so the child never has to be uncomfortable or go out of her way. Mom and Dad become servants rather that parents who are preparing their children to be responsible and contributing citizens.
As a result, today's kids are becoming more powerful. They're all about me, me, me and gimmee. They are held less accountable for their actions and have less responsibilities in the family. Family becomes not what you give, but what you get. They rarely consider others besides themselves because they have never been taught to think that way.
Every child has a predictable strategy. He plays a trial and error game that is designed to get the best of you. He wins when he gets what he wants. If slamming the door has you trotting after your daughter with the car keys, she'll be more dramatic the next time. Children are masters at manipulation.
Leman offers the following strategy to regain your authority and insure your child is respectful and obedient.
Let Reality be the Teacher
Let nature take it's course. Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility.
Learn to Respond Rather than React
Often, parents react rather than respond. Our emotions get the better of us and we speak without thinking first. If the doctor says, " You responded to your medication," that's a good thing. If the doctor says, "you reacted to your medication," that's bad. Think about the difference when sweet thing asks (Insert anything here)....#1-I'm thinking of getting a tattoo...#2-There is a co-ed slumber party this weekend after the game...#3. I just don't think college is for me...
B Doesn't Happen Until A is Completed
You never have to change this strategy. It works every time with every age. If you've asked your child to do something, and it's not done, you don't go on until the next event-no matter what the event is. The secret here is consistency. Attitudes and behaviors may get worse for a time. Don't panic, it means you're on the right track. There is no threatening, no harassing, no warning. There are no put-downs. What is, is.
As you work together on attitude, behavior and character, you'll be building a relationship that is mutually satisfying. It's worth the effort. chrissie
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thrifty Recipes for Leftover Turkey
Understanding thrift begins at home, including thrifty ways to use up all that leftover turkey. The Pilgrims would have used up all the remaining bits of food. American Indians used every part possible of a plant or animal. Our African American foods are based in using up everything possible. Because goods and food are so readily available to us today, or because we get bored easily trying to eat up all the leftovers, is no reason to waste the abundance with which we have been blessed. Ironically, we are often starving in our abundancy - starving for good, healthy food cooked slowly and lovingly, that nourishes not only our body, but also our soul. Something even as easy to prepare as the following can satisfy those cravings.
Here are my favorite Thanksgiving leftovers recipes. If you have some great recipes to share with us, please post them in the comment section. Today, I'm makin' gumbo from a tried and true recipe I've used for the last 29 years. My family loves it and has come to anticipate it on this day. I hope your holiday season is filled with good food, good friends, good converation and good memories.
Turkey Gumbo
1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup vegetable oil and 1/4 cup olive oil
3 stalks celery
1 red onion
1 green pepper
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 sack frozen sliced okra
2 cans chicken broth, plus water to cover
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 drops Louisiana hot sauce or to taste
1 can Italian diced tomatoes
1 lb. smoked sausage, sliced
1/4 cup or to taste, diced leftover ham
2 cups or more diced leftover turkey, baked or smoked
1 bay leaf
Heat oil in heavy kettle or stock pot; add flour slowly, stirring constantly with wooden spoon. Cook, stirring until a medium brown roux is formed, about 20 minutes (you will have to turn the heat down - don't burn it). Add vegetables (down to okra, but not the okra) and continue cooking in roux until vegetables are soft, about 10 minutes or more for a better tasting roux. Add remaining ingredients and simmer for 1 to 2 hours. Can add 1 teaspoon brown sugar during last 10 minutes of cooking, if desired. Serve over a bed of rice in a soup bowl. My goal is to rival The Gumbo Shop's gumbo in New Orleans - the above recipe does not use shrimp or seafood and I like it that way at Thanksgiving. Here is The Gumbo Shop's recipe:
http://www.gumboshop.com/recipes
Turkey Tetrazinni
3 cuos leftover turkey, diced
1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 jar Alfredo sauce
1 can sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup cooking sherry
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
7 ounces cooked vermicelli, cooked
Stir together chicken, 1/2 cup Parmesan, and next 7 ingredients; stir in pasta. Spoon into lightly greased 7x11 inch baking dish. Sprinkle with remaining Parmesan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until heated through. Makes 6 servings.
Turkey-Stuffing Bake
1 can (12 oz.) evaporated milk
3 tablespoons butter
2 cups leftover stuffing or 1 box instant
1 can cream of mushroom soup
2 cups diced turkey
2 cups shredded Swiss cheese
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 cup cooked broccoli
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
In saucepan, heat 3/4 cup of milk and the butter to scalding. In a large bowl, pour milk over stuffing; toss to mix well. Pat 1/2 stuffing mixture into a buttered 11x7 baking dish. In medium bowl, mix soup,remaining milk, chicken, 1 cup of cheese, broccoli and thyme. Spoon evenly over stuffing - top with remaining stuffing. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Top with remaining cheese and bake an additional 10 minutes or until cheese melts. Serves 6.
And my favorite on Friday morning...
Scrambled Eggs with Stuffing and Smoked Turkey
1 to 2 eggs per person
Any leftover stuffing - 1/8 or more cups, depending on number of eggs
1/2 or more cups diced turkey - more for more eggs
Salt and pepper to taste
Grated smoked gouda or a nice Havarti or any grated cheese you have on hand
Prepare eggs as normal for scrambled eggs. Heat butter in skillet as you normally would for
scrambling eggs. After eggs have set up a bit, add stuffing, turkey, salt and pepper and continue scrambling, turning as needed until eggs are cooked. Top with cheese immediately and seve while hot. Happy Black Friday!
-----------Melony
Here are my favorite Thanksgiving leftovers recipes. If you have some great recipes to share with us, please post them in the comment section. Today, I'm makin' gumbo from a tried and true recipe I've used for the last 29 years. My family loves it and has come to anticipate it on this day. I hope your holiday season is filled with good food, good friends, good converation and good memories.
Turkey Gumbo
1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup vegetable oil and 1/4 cup olive oil
3 stalks celery
1 red onion
1 green pepper
1 clove garlic
1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
1 sack frozen sliced okra
2 cans chicken broth, plus water to cover
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 drops Louisiana hot sauce or to taste
1 can Italian diced tomatoes
1 lb. smoked sausage, sliced
1/4 cup or to taste, diced leftover ham
2 cups or more diced leftover turkey, baked or smoked
1 bay leaf
Heat oil in heavy kettle or stock pot; add flour slowly, stirring constantly with wooden spoon. Cook, stirring until a medium brown roux is formed, about 20 minutes (you will have to turn the heat down - don't burn it). Add vegetables (down to okra, but not the okra) and continue cooking in roux until vegetables are soft, about 10 minutes or more for a better tasting roux. Add remaining ingredients and simmer for 1 to 2 hours. Can add 1 teaspoon brown sugar during last 10 minutes of cooking, if desired. Serve over a bed of rice in a soup bowl. My goal is to rival The Gumbo Shop's gumbo in New Orleans - the above recipe does not use shrimp or seafood and I like it that way at Thanksgiving. Here is The Gumbo Shop's recipe:
http://www.gumboshop.com/recipes
Turkey Tetrazinni
3 cuos leftover turkey, diced
1 cup shredded Parmesan cheese
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 jar Alfredo sauce
1 can sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup slivered almonds
1/2 cup chicken broth
1/4 cup cooking sherry
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
7 ounces cooked vermicelli, cooked
Stir together chicken, 1/2 cup Parmesan, and next 7 ingredients; stir in pasta. Spoon into lightly greased 7x11 inch baking dish. Sprinkle with remaining Parmesan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes or until heated through. Makes 6 servings.
Turkey-Stuffing Bake
1 can (12 oz.) evaporated milk
3 tablespoons butter
2 cups leftover stuffing or 1 box instant
1 can cream of mushroom soup
2 cups diced turkey
2 cups shredded Swiss cheese
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 cup cooked broccoli
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
In saucepan, heat 3/4 cup of milk and the butter to scalding. In a large bowl, pour milk over stuffing; toss to mix well. Pat 1/2 stuffing mixture into a buttered 11x7 baking dish. In medium bowl, mix soup,remaining milk, chicken, 1 cup of cheese, broccoli and thyme. Spoon evenly over stuffing - top with remaining stuffing. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Top with remaining cheese and bake an additional 10 minutes or until cheese melts. Serves 6.
And my favorite on Friday morning...
Scrambled Eggs with Stuffing and Smoked Turkey
1 to 2 eggs per person
Any leftover stuffing - 1/8 or more cups, depending on number of eggs
1/2 or more cups diced turkey - more for more eggs
Salt and pepper to taste
Grated smoked gouda or a nice Havarti or any grated cheese you have on hand
Prepare eggs as normal for scrambled eggs. Heat butter in skillet as you normally would for
scrambling eggs. After eggs have set up a bit, add stuffing, turkey, salt and pepper and continue scrambling, turning as needed until eggs are cooked. Top with cheese immediately and seve while hot. Happy Black Friday!
-----------Melony
Monday, November 23, 2009
Over The River
I refuse. I will not. I am making a stand. There will be no Christmas at the Wagner's before Thanksgiving. The pumpkins are still piled on the front porch. Bittersweet and mum's are still in baskets and bins on my patio. Mr.and Mrs Pilgrim stand at attention on my dining room table, ready to greet family and friends on Thursday.
Yes. I have been Christmas shopping. Various and sundry sacks and boxes are crammed into every available closet. They are just not wrapped and under a tree already. I am certainly planning the always dreaded family picture when everyone is here. Ahh...Mom. Come on. Not today. Well, if not today, when we will we all be together again? Christmas. And then it is too late. Smile Everyone.
I know Christmas is coming. But Thanksgiving is in itself a great holiday. Let's not rush through the time to be with people we love most in the world. Let's enjoy THIS holiday without the pressure of presents and decorations and parties and credit cards and traffic and crowds. Just enjoy great food and great families-great football and great parades.
Santa Claus is coming to town-sure he is. Just not yet. Gather together and ask the Lord's Blessings....and be thankful!!! chrissie
Yes. I have been Christmas shopping. Various and sundry sacks and boxes are crammed into every available closet. They are just not wrapped and under a tree already. I am certainly planning the always dreaded family picture when everyone is here. Ahh...Mom. Come on. Not today. Well, if not today, when we will we all be together again? Christmas. And then it is too late. Smile Everyone.
I know Christmas is coming. But Thanksgiving is in itself a great holiday. Let's not rush through the time to be with people we love most in the world. Let's enjoy THIS holiday without the pressure of presents and decorations and parties and credit cards and traffic and crowds. Just enjoy great food and great families-great football and great parades.
Santa Claus is coming to town-sure he is. Just not yet. Gather together and ask the Lord's Blessings....and be thankful!!! chrissie
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Gearing Up
One week before Thanksgiving and the pantry is stocked; I'm ready to start cooking and baking. If your family is like mine, everyone has something that means the holiday. Nephews have already started calling to request their particular favorite. My own kids don't even have to ask, they know I'll have cheese grits, pink stuff, a certain broccoli salad, Grandmother's Chocolate Cake and Jezebel Sauce for the ham.
One of my first cookbooks was by Jane Justin of the Justin Boot Family. She compiled recipes for her daughter and ended up publishing them as a cookbook. The cookbook was great as a new bride source-she not just offered easy recipes but suggested the whole menu for the meal. I actually had Mother Jane's Prescriptions for Hunger before I had my first (and only husband). In the introduction to her cookbook, Jane Justin says, " I am not a natural cook but I consider myself a cultivated cook. I enjoy cooking- it is wonderful therapy for me and I hope that I can give happiness to others by inspiring them. If you are not a natural cook, maybe like me you can become a cultivated cook. My Mother did not inspire my kitchen much, but I learned lessons from her that made me realize the importance of how good meals make a happy home."
What follows is one of her recipes that my family always requests. It is so popular, that I cannot ever assign someone else to bring it. I have combined Jane's recipe with Visie's - She was my grandmother's right arm and a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of cook....just like me!
Cornbread Dressing
Make a batch of cornbread. You can use a mix but do not use a sweet cornbread like Jiffy. Need it to fill a 10 x14 inch pan. Can bake the day before.
Crumble in a large bowl and set aside. Also tear up and add 5 or 6 slices of day old bread or 5 or 6 biscuits.
Melt in a skillet- 1 &1/2 sticks butter
Cook slowly until clear- 2 large yellow onions - chopped
10 ribs celery-chopped
1 bunch finely chopped parsley
Pour over bread mixture
Add
4 tbsp Lee and Perrin
1-2 tbsp Black Pepper
2 tsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp Tabasco sauce
Beat Well and add
4 large eggs
Add stock from giblets or you may use a low sodium chicken broth -either Rachel Ray's or Swanson's-cheap broth's are terrible (Here's the trick I think my family likes) Add enough stock to make dressing the consistency of cake batter--this results in a crunchy top and a moist inside.Be sure to mash all the lumps out of the dressing. Jane suggests a potato masher.
Taste the dressing and adjust seasonings. Grease well a large shallow pan and bake in a preheated 400 oven until nice and brown-about 30 to 40 minutes. You do not want a hard, dry dressing, nor a gooey, mushy one. When you remove, cover with foil until served. (Note: You can make up to the baking part in the morning )
Here's to a Happy Pre-Thanksgiving Week. May we all remember to be grateful for our blessings. If you have a family favorite, feel free to share the recipe and the memory with our readers. I need new ideas!!! chrissie
(You can google Mother Jane's Prescriptions for Hunger and though out of print, the books are out there)
***************
One of my first cookbooks was by Jane Justin of the Justin Boot Family. She compiled recipes for her daughter and ended up publishing them as a cookbook. The cookbook was great as a new bride source-she not just offered easy recipes but suggested the whole menu for the meal. I actually had Mother Jane's Prescriptions for Hunger before I had my first (and only husband). In the introduction to her cookbook, Jane Justin says, " I am not a natural cook but I consider myself a cultivated cook. I enjoy cooking- it is wonderful therapy for me and I hope that I can give happiness to others by inspiring them. If you are not a natural cook, maybe like me you can become a cultivated cook. My Mother did not inspire my kitchen much, but I learned lessons from her that made me realize the importance of how good meals make a happy home."
What follows is one of her recipes that my family always requests. It is so popular, that I cannot ever assign someone else to bring it. I have combined Jane's recipe with Visie's - She was my grandmother's right arm and a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of cook....just like me!
Cornbread Dressing
Make a batch of cornbread. You can use a mix but do not use a sweet cornbread like Jiffy. Need it to fill a 10 x14 inch pan. Can bake the day before.
Crumble in a large bowl and set aside. Also tear up and add 5 or 6 slices of day old bread or 5 or 6 biscuits.
Melt in a skillet- 1 &1/2 sticks butter
Cook slowly until clear- 2 large yellow onions - chopped
10 ribs celery-chopped
1 bunch finely chopped parsley
Pour over bread mixture
Add
4 tbsp Lee and Perrin
1-2 tbsp Black Pepper
2 tsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp Tabasco sauce
Beat Well and add
4 large eggs
Add stock from giblets or you may use a low sodium chicken broth -either Rachel Ray's or Swanson's-cheap broth's are terrible (Here's the trick I think my family likes) Add enough stock to make dressing the consistency of cake batter--this results in a crunchy top and a moist inside.Be sure to mash all the lumps out of the dressing. Jane suggests a potato masher.
Taste the dressing and adjust seasonings. Grease well a large shallow pan and bake in a preheated 400 oven until nice and brown-about 30 to 40 minutes. You do not want a hard, dry dressing, nor a gooey, mushy one. When you remove, cover with foil until served. (Note: You can make up to the baking part in the morning )
Here's to a Happy Pre-Thanksgiving Week. May we all remember to be grateful for our blessings. If you have a family favorite, feel free to share the recipe and the memory with our readers. I need new ideas!!! chrissie
(You can google Mother Jane's Prescriptions for Hunger and though out of print, the books are out there)
***************
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's Never Easy
Throughout history Mothers have sent their boys (and now girls) off to war. Though the cause may be noble, it is never easy to send a child into harm's way. The soldiers are brave, yes, but those who love them and are left behind show courage too.
As a parent, you would do anything to make a Tour of Duty easier. A Mom can't control the enemy, but she can send love and support through packages from home. Recognizing the sacrifice and easing home-sickness through care packages may seem too simplistic. It is not. Just ask a returning soldier. It means the world. It means Home.
I remember my cousin Terry sent her boyfriend cookies. Her sweetie's tour was in Viet -Nam. He later shared the sweets had arrived pulverized. The cookies were more like flour than crumbs. He poured the mess into his field helmet, mixed it with water, and ate Terry's Toll House offering like soup. In the middle of a hostile jungle, Monroe savored every bite. It was sweet. It was familiar. It was from someone he cared about. It was something from not where he was, but where he wanted to be. The cookies meant home.
If you would like to make a soldier's holiday better, contact your local Blue Star Mother's group. They have a list of items that our men and women in uniform request and like to receive. Drop it off and they will mail it to local men and women who are serving our country.
If you want a face with a name, I have one. CPL Eli Lamb. Eli grew up and was educated in Muskogee. He was deployed to Afghanistan last week. His Mother, Jackie Lamb, sent this information to me. I thought I would share it with my readers and perhaps they would want to send 19 year old Eli a little love from home. It would be well-received so far away and would be well appreciated by his very nervous Mother. Funny how something so simple could mean so much. We all like to know we're appreciated. We all like to know we're loved. God Speed Eli. Be safe. Be safe, all who serve our country. We are all so proud of your sacrifice and service. May we always remember. May we never forget.
(What follows is word for word from Mom, Jackie.)
Eli LOVES Skittles, original flavor beef jerky, Snickers, Sudoku, anything about OU. Some other ideas would be newspaper articles about the Roughers and updates on classmates. Kazoos, card games would be fun gifts that he could share with his brothers there, giving all of them something to do. He also loves "redneck" stuff- Jeff Foxworthy is a hero! Believe it or not, he also loves the Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan's Island, so if you could find old comics or books of them he would like that. Hand wipes and baby wipes are always welcome since showers are few and far between. A package would need to be sent about the 3rd week of Nov. or so in order to get there by Christmas and they aren't guaranteeing that they will then, but no later than that. They are saying 4-5 weeks delivery times, maybe a little longer.
(Eli's address follows:)
Cpl. Lamb, Eli W.
2d AA BN B Co. Det A/Unit 73576
FPO AE 09510-3576
chrissie
As a parent, you would do anything to make a Tour of Duty easier. A Mom can't control the enemy, but she can send love and support through packages from home. Recognizing the sacrifice and easing home-sickness through care packages may seem too simplistic. It is not. Just ask a returning soldier. It means the world. It means Home.
I remember my cousin Terry sent her boyfriend cookies. Her sweetie's tour was in Viet -Nam. He later shared the sweets had arrived pulverized. The cookies were more like flour than crumbs. He poured the mess into his field helmet, mixed it with water, and ate Terry's Toll House offering like soup. In the middle of a hostile jungle, Monroe savored every bite. It was sweet. It was familiar. It was from someone he cared about. It was something from not where he was, but where he wanted to be. The cookies meant home.
If you would like to make a soldier's holiday better, contact your local Blue Star Mother's group. They have a list of items that our men and women in uniform request and like to receive. Drop it off and they will mail it to local men and women who are serving our country.
If you want a face with a name, I have one. CPL Eli Lamb. Eli grew up and was educated in Muskogee. He was deployed to Afghanistan last week. His Mother, Jackie Lamb, sent this information to me. I thought I would share it with my readers and perhaps they would want to send 19 year old Eli a little love from home. It would be well-received so far away and would be well appreciated by his very nervous Mother. Funny how something so simple could mean so much. We all like to know we're appreciated. We all like to know we're loved. God Speed Eli. Be safe. Be safe, all who serve our country. We are all so proud of your sacrifice and service. May we always remember. May we never forget.
(What follows is word for word from Mom, Jackie.)
Eli LOVES Skittles, original flavor beef jerky, Snickers, Sudoku, anything about OU. Some other ideas would be newspaper articles about the Roughers and updates on classmates. Kazoos, card games would be fun gifts that he could share with his brothers there, giving all of them something to do. He also loves "redneck" stuff- Jeff Foxworthy is a hero! Believe it or not, he also loves the Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan's Island, so if you could find old comics or books of them he would like that. Hand wipes and baby wipes are always welcome since showers are few and far between. A package would need to be sent about the 3rd week of Nov. or so in order to get there by Christmas and they aren't guaranteeing that they will then, but no later than that. They are saying 4-5 weeks delivery times, maybe a little longer.
(Eli's address follows:)
2d AA BN B Co. Det A/Unit 73576
FPO AE 09510-3576
chrissie
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
A Penny Saved Is A Penny Earned
In 2007, The Oklahoma House of Representatives passed the Passport to Financial Literacy Act. This act requires students to meet financial education requirements in order to graduate. When I taught Seniors, I can verify many did not have a clue about money. Winning the lottery seemed to be the cure-all for all financial woes. A long term plan for a career and an expected standard of living did not necessarily go hand in hand. Government bail-outs and hand-outs were not just a short term solution, they were a life plan. Lawsuits seemed to be a handy budgeting tool. Getting hurt on the job, another. This all did not bode well for their future or the future of their families, their state or their country.
One of the ways offered to meet the financial literacy requirement is a Reality Check seminar. This is a role -playing event designed to teach teens about the financial responsibilities of adult life. Reality Check assigns teens all the details of an imaginary "grown-up" life: career, salary, marital status and children. Different booths offer opportunities to purchase housing, transportation, food, utilities, child care and- when and if they had extra money-entertainment. Unexpected situations are also navigated, like buying new tires, repairing a broken water heater and earning extra money by selling clothes on consignment.
Our teens don't have to wait for a Reality Check before learning about the value of money. The Institute of Consumer Financial Education lists the following tips:
# As soon as children can count, introduce them to money. Take an active role, because observation and repetition are two methods kids can learn by.
# Communicate with your children abut your values concerning money and how to save it and make it grow-and how to spend it wisely.
# Teach children the difference between needs, wants and wishes. This will prepare them for making good spending decisions in the future.
# Setting goals is a fundamental concept in teaching young people the value of money and also, how to save. Nearly everything a child or teen asks for can become the object of a goal setting session.
#Indoctrinate your children to saving instead of spending. Explain and demonstrate the concept of earning interest on savings. Consider paying interest on money earned at home and have them help you calculate the amount. Let them open a savings account.
# Give your children money in denominations that encourage saving. For example, give them a 5 ones instead of a five dollar bill.
# Allow your teen to make spending decisions, both good and poor, and then encourage a discussion of pros and cons before more spending takes place.
# Teach teens to keep a record of spending, savings and investments.
# Take kids with you to stores and explain how purchases are made.Let them help with a budget and a shopping list.
In 2007, Oklahoma Lawmakers passed the Passport of Financial Literacy. It requires certain financial areas be covered in high school curriculum. Some of these areas are: earning an income, taxes, bank services, fraud, identity theft, saving and investing. The Oklahoma Council On Economic Education is designated by the State of Oklahoma to provide training, materials and support for teaching financial literary in the state. The Council works with the State Department of Education to make sure teachers have what they need to help students learn to make good choices. If you are interested in offering Reality Check at your school, contact the OCEE at moneyisok.org.
chrissie
One of the ways offered to meet the financial literacy requirement is a Reality Check seminar. This is a role -playing event designed to teach teens about the financial responsibilities of adult life. Reality Check assigns teens all the details of an imaginary "grown-up" life: career, salary, marital status and children. Different booths offer opportunities to purchase housing, transportation, food, utilities, child care and- when and if they had extra money-entertainment. Unexpected situations are also navigated, like buying new tires, repairing a broken water heater and earning extra money by selling clothes on consignment.
Our teens don't have to wait for a Reality Check before learning about the value of money. The Institute of Consumer Financial Education lists the following tips:
# As soon as children can count, introduce them to money. Take an active role, because observation and repetition are two methods kids can learn by.
# Communicate with your children abut your values concerning money and how to save it and make it grow-and how to spend it wisely.
# Teach children the difference between needs, wants and wishes. This will prepare them for making good spending decisions in the future.
# Setting goals is a fundamental concept in teaching young people the value of money and also, how to save. Nearly everything a child or teen asks for can become the object of a goal setting session.
#Indoctrinate your children to saving instead of spending. Explain and demonstrate the concept of earning interest on savings. Consider paying interest on money earned at home and have them help you calculate the amount. Let them open a savings account.
# Give your children money in denominations that encourage saving. For example, give them a 5 ones instead of a five dollar bill.
# Allow your teen to make spending decisions, both good and poor, and then encourage a discussion of pros and cons before more spending takes place.
# Teach teens to keep a record of spending, savings and investments.
# Take kids with you to stores and explain how purchases are made.Let them help with a budget and a shopping list.
In 2007, Oklahoma Lawmakers passed the Passport of Financial Literacy. It requires certain financial areas be covered in high school curriculum. Some of these areas are: earning an income, taxes, bank services, fraud, identity theft, saving and investing. The Oklahoma Council On Economic Education is designated by the State of Oklahoma to provide training, materials and support for teaching financial literary in the state. The Council works with the State Department of Education to make sure teachers have what they need to help students learn to make good choices. If you are interested in offering Reality Check at your school, contact the OCEE at moneyisok.org.
chrissie
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Uncle Uncle
Maybe it's where I fall on the age-o-meter. Maybe it's because I'm out of practice. Maybe it's because I 'm used to my own time and things on my own terms. Whatever it is, six days with my precious five and two year-old grandchildren and I am ready for their parents to come home. Really ready.
We have had a wonderful time. They are of course, well-behaved, kind and loving. They never asked for their Mom or Dad, not once. They play well together and mind their Oh-Mommy. Every word that comes out of their mouth is magical and needs to be written down somewhere. Each observation of their world is priceless. Their innocence and wonder and........you get the idea. I, however, am just too tired to note their cleverness.
Did you know that children need to eat three real meals a day? Their Grandfather and I are now very happy with cheese and crackers or popcorn for dinner. There are dishes. Lots of dishes. Each one needs clean clothes, two or three times in a 24 hour period. I had four children. My washer never stopped. It's just that I am out of that laundry rhythm.
It's the waking up (6:45- little fingers are opening my eyelids. " ake up Oh-Mommy. I hungy. Go make bacon." ) and hitting the floor running. It's the fixing healthy breakfasts, getting lunches packed, getting both dogs out, getting both children dressed and loaded in the car, then to the pre-school line-by 9:00 in the morning. I don't think my own pastor recognized me as I walked by. Makeup? Heck, I don't even think I had brushed my hair.
It's also the magnitude of caring for these precious beings left in my care. I was too young and too busy when my own children were small to worry about the "what if's" and the "look-outs." I told sympathetic friends my main goal this watch was to stay out of the emergency room with either of the grandchildren. I am happy to report, that has been successful .
I am unhappy to report that "An-Daddy" briefly lost his namesake at our church's Halloween party Sunday night. I was off with big sister and upon returning, started looking around for Wagner. His grandfather casually answered, "He was here just a second ago." Ten minutes later, in a gym full of costumed trick or treaters, I found him settled in on Anne Sheet's lap, watching the big kids climb the Jupiter Jump Wall. He was happy as a clam, I on the other hand, needed CPR and a Valium.
We took autumny walks at the river. We raked and jumped in piles of leaves. We stirred up blueberry muffins. We read books and told stories. We played Beauty Shop and John Deere Tractor Boy. (don't ask). We are making memories that will last a lifetime. Just as my Grandmothers did for me, and my Mother did for my children, I want to insure that my Grandchildren know their will always be someone in the world who loves them most of all.
A very tired..... Me. chrissie
We have had a wonderful time. They are of course, well-behaved, kind and loving. They never asked for their Mom or Dad, not once. They play well together and mind their Oh-Mommy. Every word that comes out of their mouth is magical and needs to be written down somewhere. Each observation of their world is priceless. Their innocence and wonder and........you get the idea. I, however, am just too tired to note their cleverness.
Did you know that children need to eat three real meals a day? Their Grandfather and I are now very happy with cheese and crackers or popcorn for dinner. There are dishes. Lots of dishes. Each one needs clean clothes, two or three times in a 24 hour period. I had four children. My washer never stopped. It's just that I am out of that laundry rhythm.
It's the waking up (6:45- little fingers are opening my eyelids. " ake up Oh-Mommy. I hungy. Go make bacon." ) and hitting the floor running. It's the fixing healthy breakfasts, getting lunches packed, getting both dogs out, getting both children dressed and loaded in the car, then to the pre-school line-by 9:00 in the morning. I don't think my own pastor recognized me as I walked by. Makeup? Heck, I don't even think I had brushed my hair.
It's also the magnitude of caring for these precious beings left in my care. I was too young and too busy when my own children were small to worry about the "what if's" and the "look-outs." I told sympathetic friends my main goal this watch was to stay out of the emergency room with either of the grandchildren. I am happy to report, that has been successful .
I am unhappy to report that "An-Daddy" briefly lost his namesake at our church's Halloween party Sunday night. I was off with big sister and upon returning, started looking around for Wagner. His grandfather casually answered, "He was here just a second ago." Ten minutes later, in a gym full of costumed trick or treaters, I found him settled in on Anne Sheet's lap, watching the big kids climb the Jupiter Jump Wall. He was happy as a clam, I on the other hand, needed CPR and a Valium.
We took autumny walks at the river. We raked and jumped in piles of leaves. We stirred up blueberry muffins. We read books and told stories. We played Beauty Shop and John Deere Tractor Boy. (don't ask). We are making memories that will last a lifetime. Just as my Grandmothers did for me, and my Mother did for my children, I want to insure that my Grandchildren know their will always be someone in the world who loves them most of all.
A very tired..... Me. chrissie
Monday, October 19, 2009
Baby, Can I Drive The Car?
It's a right of passage. Driver's Ed. Learner's Permit. And at 16, the Driver's License!!!! It's a given. 16? Here are the keys to your car.
It is certainly more convenient. There is no rationing of who gets the family car. No whining. Your teen can get where he needs to go without you. He can run errands and help with the younger family members. There is no more car-pooling or late night pick-ups. It's so much easier. However, with the convenience, comes risk.
Did you know traffic accidents are the leading cause of death for American teenagers, killing 5,000 teens-and injuring 250,000-every year. But there's a simple way to cut down on the danger. Scientists say: Don't give kids their own car.
In a study of 5,500 teens, researchers at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia found that 25 percent of kids who had their own cars or the free use of one had been involved in a crash, whereas just 10 percent of teens who shared the family car had suffered an accident. Researchers found that kids with their own car or keys gain a "sense of entitlement about driving" that renders then less cautious and more arrogant behind the wheel.
Additionally, the Philadelphia study found that teens with parents who set clear rules and kept tabs on their whereabouts had half as many crashes, were 71% less likely to drive drunk, and 30% less likely to drive while using the cell phone.
So, inconvenient as it is, it seems that the safest decision a family can make if for parents to control access to the car keys. Just as we baby proofed the house when they were small, we must continue to follow through on their well-being and safety as our children begin to drive. It's important. It could save their life. chrissie
It is certainly more convenient. There is no rationing of who gets the family car. No whining. Your teen can get where he needs to go without you. He can run errands and help with the younger family members. There is no more car-pooling or late night pick-ups. It's so much easier. However, with the convenience, comes risk.
Did you know traffic accidents are the leading cause of death for American teenagers, killing 5,000 teens-and injuring 250,000-every year. But there's a simple way to cut down on the danger. Scientists say: Don't give kids their own car.
In a study of 5,500 teens, researchers at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia found that 25 percent of kids who had their own cars or the free use of one had been involved in a crash, whereas just 10 percent of teens who shared the family car had suffered an accident. Researchers found that kids with their own car or keys gain a "sense of entitlement about driving" that renders then less cautious and more arrogant behind the wheel.
Additionally, the Philadelphia study found that teens with parents who set clear rules and kept tabs on their whereabouts had half as many crashes, were 71% less likely to drive drunk, and 30% less likely to drive while using the cell phone.
So, inconvenient as it is, it seems that the safest decision a family can make if for parents to control access to the car keys. Just as we baby proofed the house when they were small, we must continue to follow through on their well-being and safety as our children begin to drive. It's important. It could save their life. chrissie
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Muskogee High Renovations
Just wanted to post a photo of the renovated cafeteria at MHS and say kudos to Mike Martin and his team at SpacesDesign and Architecture. They just won an AIA design award for their renovations for Muskogee Public Schools. Check out the New Spin 360 photo here:
http://host.newspin360.net/muskogee/muskogeehighschool
Many, many thanks also go to the voters who passed the bond issue providing for massive renovation projects throughout our schools. These projects will carry us forward into the 21st century and reflect the quality schools our community deserves. Thanks, too, to Muskogee Schools Superintendent Mike Garde and our Board of Education for their long range vision for our community.
----Melony
For more information about New Spin 360, Oklahoma's HD photo shop, visit: http://www.newspin360.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=6&Itemid=9
Check out the coin toss at Gaylord Memorial Stadium, Owen Field, Norman.
http://host.newspin360.net/muskogee/muskogeehighschool
Many, many thanks also go to the voters who passed the bond issue providing for massive renovation projects throughout our schools. These projects will carry us forward into the 21st century and reflect the quality schools our community deserves. Thanks, too, to Muskogee Schools Superintendent Mike Garde and our Board of Education for their long range vision for our community.
----Melony
For more information about New Spin 360, Oklahoma's HD photo shop, visit: http://www.newspin360.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=6&Itemid=9
Check out the coin toss at Gaylord Memorial Stadium, Owen Field, Norman.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Head's Up
When our children were small, being a good parent was easier. It is pretty obvious when a diaper needs to be changed, a meal needs to be prepared, another Raffi song sung. Social instruction? "Don't hit your sister". "Don't pull the head off your teddy bear." "Don't pick your nose." Safety issues are cut and dried. "Hold my hand when we cross the street." "Stranger Danger." "Keep your finger out of the light socket." Best of all, your child loved you most in all the world. Sigh. Those were the days.
Now, your precious, innocent, trusting child has morphed into a moody, pubescent, hormone raging adolescent. That bright smile and that eager to please son or daughter has disappeared, replaced by a stranger that seems to want no part of you or the workings of your home and family. As a parent, this new attitude seems daunting and almost impenetrable. The bedroom door to your teen's bedroom is not the only thing that seems closed all the time. The parent/child relationship and interaction that was once so open and comfortable is now difficult and awkward.
As Mel pointed out, this is just the time we need to be paying the most attention. Don't give up. Now, more than ever, you must keep lines of communication open. Don't let your child's attitude and angst intimidate you into a passive parent. Continue to ask questions. Continue to expect answers. Set rules. Follow through. Make family time. Nurture and love unconditionally but set conditions on things like curfews, grades and behavior. After making the rules clear (as we have discussed before), stay consistent.
The world as your adolescent knows it is precarious and ever-changing. The best gift you can give as a parent is to be the one constant in their life. Make home a safe place. Make it a welcoming one. Make it a moral one. Every time your child walks in the door, he should feel a calm and steady atmosphere. At home, the rules don't change. Home should be the one constant in an ever-changing world.
It is said that home is where our stories should begin. If your child's story is not centered on family and home life, refocus and recenter your family and your relationships. Don't back down. Much as your teen resists, he still needs to have your influence. Though they will try, do not be dismissed. Stay engaged with your son and daughter. Still bake the cookies, know the teachers, ask the questions and get the answers. That's just what your teen needs, whether he/she thinks they want it or not! chrissie
Now, your precious, innocent, trusting child has morphed into a moody, pubescent, hormone raging adolescent. That bright smile and that eager to please son or daughter has disappeared, replaced by a stranger that seems to want no part of you or the workings of your home and family. As a parent, this new attitude seems daunting and almost impenetrable. The bedroom door to your teen's bedroom is not the only thing that seems closed all the time. The parent/child relationship and interaction that was once so open and comfortable is now difficult and awkward.
As Mel pointed out, this is just the time we need to be paying the most attention. Don't give up. Now, more than ever, you must keep lines of communication open. Don't let your child's attitude and angst intimidate you into a passive parent. Continue to ask questions. Continue to expect answers. Set rules. Follow through. Make family time. Nurture and love unconditionally but set conditions on things like curfews, grades and behavior. After making the rules clear (as we have discussed before), stay consistent.
The world as your adolescent knows it is precarious and ever-changing. The best gift you can give as a parent is to be the one constant in their life. Make home a safe place. Make it a welcoming one. Make it a moral one. Every time your child walks in the door, he should feel a calm and steady atmosphere. At home, the rules don't change. Home should be the one constant in an ever-changing world.
It is said that home is where our stories should begin. If your child's story is not centered on family and home life, refocus and recenter your family and your relationships. Don't back down. Much as your teen resists, he still needs to have your influence. Though they will try, do not be dismissed. Stay engaged with your son and daughter. Still bake the cookies, know the teachers, ask the questions and get the answers. That's just what your teen needs, whether he/she thinks they want it or not! chrissie
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Turning a Blind Eye
A comment on Chrissie's previous blog about setting consistency said "...but waffling is what we do best, can't you tell from the kids!"
It reminded me of a quote from A.S. Byatt's new novel, The Children's Book, in which one of the children's friends says, "Grown-ups always think we don't know things they must have known themselves," a friend tells Tom. "They need to remember wrong, I think."
I contemplated that quote for the longest, thinking about all the ways it can be interpreted. It makes parents happy-go-lucky to ignore the fact that our children know as much if not more than we did about sex, drugs, drinking, sneaking out of the house or allowing friends to drive your car. We never think our teenagers would engage in those dangerous activites, nay, they don't even know anything about them, do they? They are sweet innocents.
We need to remember our own teenaged years wrong to help us make it through our children's teen years, otherwise the worry alone would be enough to give us a nervous breakdown! Other more laid back parents might think they survived all those things and so their child can make it, too, regardless of whether they worry or not.
If that weren't enough, one place we often turn a blind eye is school. Do we often remember wrong about school, too? Do we remember quite classrooms and always having our homework done? Or do we remember never doing our homework and acing the test anyway? Maybe we think we made it through all on our own with no help from anyone. And we know little Timmy is upstairs doing his homework, right?
In any case, remembering wrong can have horrible effects when applied to one's children. To turn a blind eye can result in complications we couldn't imagine. A child's failing grade or descent into drug addiction are too high a price to pay to be shaken out of our reverie too late.
Most people turn a blind eye because they don't know what other action to take. They waffle and stuggle with decisions, often trying to take the perfect action. Here is one action to take today - sit down and think about your teen and ask if you are turning a blind eye in any area of his or her development. Are you paying close enough attention? Just think about it - it's the first step to taking action.
It reminded me of a quote from A.S. Byatt's new novel, The Children's Book, in which one of the children's friends says, "Grown-ups always think we don't know things they must have known themselves," a friend tells Tom. "They need to remember wrong, I think."
I contemplated that quote for the longest, thinking about all the ways it can be interpreted. It makes parents happy-go-lucky to ignore the fact that our children know as much if not more than we did about sex, drugs, drinking, sneaking out of the house or allowing friends to drive your car. We never think our teenagers would engage in those dangerous activites, nay, they don't even know anything about them, do they? They are sweet innocents.
We need to remember our own teenaged years wrong to help us make it through our children's teen years, otherwise the worry alone would be enough to give us a nervous breakdown! Other more laid back parents might think they survived all those things and so their child can make it, too, regardless of whether they worry or not.
If that weren't enough, one place we often turn a blind eye is school. Do we often remember wrong about school, too? Do we remember quite classrooms and always having our homework done? Or do we remember never doing our homework and acing the test anyway? Maybe we think we made it through all on our own with no help from anyone. And we know little Timmy is upstairs doing his homework, right?
In any case, remembering wrong can have horrible effects when applied to one's children. To turn a blind eye can result in complications we couldn't imagine. A child's failing grade or descent into drug addiction are too high a price to pay to be shaken out of our reverie too late.
Most people turn a blind eye because they don't know what other action to take. They waffle and stuggle with decisions, often trying to take the perfect action. Here is one action to take today - sit down and think about your teen and ask if you are turning a blind eye in any area of his or her development. Are you paying close enough attention? Just think about it - it's the first step to taking action.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Be Consistent
Do you sometimes feel like your teen doesn't listen to you? When you speak, does the message goes in one ear and out the other? One reason teenagers don't listen to us is that often we say one thing and mean another - or don't follow through on what we say. This simple concept is extremely important to keep in mind in any type of dealings with our teenagers. Inconsistency on our part is often the basis for our teen not listening, and is one of the main reasons that techniques we try do not work.
You cannot talk on the phone for the entire school year.
You are grounded for a month.
We dismiss adults who say one thing and do something else, so we cannot expect our teenagers to listen to us if we behave in the same way.
There are many ways parents are inconsistent and thereby confuse our kids. We are also teaching them to be manipulative or how to tune us out. Here's a few examples of those mixed signals we don't want to send but often do.
Empty Statements
If you don't straighten up in school, I am going to send you to boarding school.
I'll kill you if you don't stop bothering me.
If you and your brother don't stop fighting, I'm leaving home and never coming back.
I'm sure you could think of many other similar statements where parents say things they have no intention of carrying out. The adult knows this, but, more importantly, the child knows it too. Therefore, using threats like these will not stop the behavior and the child will continue the behavior you are trying to modify. Statements have to have meat and potatoes behind them.Overstatements
Go to your room. You are punished until you are 18 years old.
You cannot talk on the phone for the entire school year.
You are grounded for a month.
Overstatements like these are also a major source of inconsistencies in families. Parents get angry and make a promise or threat they can never keep. Or they say or do something and then start feeling guilty. As the guilt increases, they may try to do something to undo the comment or reduce the punishment if the child shows appropriate behavior. However, in both instances, the child interprets the parents' behavior as saying, "Don't believe or listen to what I say because I don't really mean it."
Turning "No" to "Yes" and "Yes" to "No"
In this situation, we say one thing and does something else. Say your teenager asks to use the car and you say no. Precious does not accept this answer and starts to harass you. After a time you give in and let him use the car in order to end the argument and preserve your sanity. Here, the original no has been changed to yes.
The major point here is that a no has been changed to a yes, or vice versa - that a positive statement has become negative. Not only are we teaching our children not to listen to us when we respond in this fashion, but we are also showing them how to manipulate us. In other words, we are saying, "If I tell you something that you do not like, do this (complain, get me upset, argue) and I'll change my mind." Waffling is a poor parenting choice.
Consistency from Both Parents
The examples used all pertain to the need for consistency from each parent. In other words, both parents need to be very predictable in dealing with their teenager. If one tells a child that he cannot use the car until the room is clean, the child should be able to bet his life that the only way he is going to be able to drive the car is to clean his room.
Consistency must come from both mother and father as a unit. Each parent must mean what he or she says when dealing with the child, but they mu"t also support and back up one another. A child asks his mother, "Can I go to a concert tonight?" She says, "No." Then he asks his father the same question and gets a positive answer. His mother later asks him what he is doing and where he is going? "Why, going to the concert and that his father said he could." Mom then confronts Dad and an argument starts. In the meantime, son finishes getting dressed and goes merrily on his way.
Parents can create inconsistency by undermining each other and not presenting a unified approach to the child. By doing this, several things happen. First, the child learns to play one parent against the other and to manipulate them to get his way. Also, when one parent disciplines a child or makes a decision and the other contradicts the action, the first parent's authority is reduced and,consequently, the child views one parent as holding authority and may not listen to the other. In addition, this type of approach tends to identify one parent as the "bad guy" or the mean one, and the other as the "good guy" or benevolent one. If you happen to be the bad guy, look out! This type of inconsistency also produces arguing and fighting between parents.
Be consistent as a unit. If you disagree with your partner or another person who has a significant part in disciplining your child, it is best to support the other person in front of your child. Later, when your child is not around, discuss the situation and, more importantly, resolve it.
Environmental Consistency
So far, the discussion of consistency has related to how adults interact with teenagers. But is your child able to predict you? This type of consistency, called interpersonal consistency, is probably the most important type, and is essential for effective behavior management. In addition, consistency, structure, or routine in the environment sometimes reduce behavioral difficulties. For example, a child who has a set time to get off the phone will usually cause less trouble for the parent than one who is allowed to talk for different time lengths each night. A child who has a particular time to come home will often give the parent less trouble than one who does not. In general, environmental consistency - that is, consistency of routines -should be established in your home. (from Keys to Parenting Your Teenager by Don Fontenelle, Ph.D. Copyright 2000 by Barron's Educational Series, Inc.)
Consistency might seem like a minor concept but it is a major principle in behavior management. It serves as a foundation on which other techniques and methods are built. A good rule to keep in mind when interacting with your adolescent is this: Do not say anything you can't do or don't want to do, and do everything you say you are going to do. It's the follow through that helps us deal effectively with our child. chrissie
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Something Old, Something New
We went to a wedding this weekend. It was more than a wedding, it was a coming together of old friends, new friends and of family. It was a celebration of growing up together and growing on. Stories were shared, good times remembered and lots more memories made.
It is a testament to the groom and his family that over one hundred Okies traveled to Cape Cod for the event. I think the beautiful bride's Mother and Dad were a little surprised with the exodus from Oklahoma to Falmouth, Massachusetts. Shoot. Six hours on a plane, four hours in between and then getting to the Cape are nothing to these intrepid and determined wedding guests. We were invited to dance at a wedding, and dance at a wedding we would.
My son was a groomsmen, as were six other local boys. They may live all over the country now, but they stood with their dear friend as he married the love of his life. As this group of handsome and successful young men stood at the altar with the groom, I couldn't help but reminisce, I couldn't help but remember. Batman birthday parties, rickety tree houses, Little League Baseball and tennis lessons. Then there were driver licenses, late night phone calls and ornery things I don't even want to know about. At last, (whew) High School Graduation. We Mothers waved goodbye as they went to their respective colleges and rejoiced at their drive and their success. Now, they are living their lives without us; careers, falling in love, and starting families. Without their Mothers!? Get ready readers. It happens.
Enjoy these times while your children are still home. They won't always be. Cultivate and encourage positive friends and relationships for your kids. It will put them in good stead for a lifetime. Work to keep the lines of communication open while they are still with you. That way, the phone will ring and the door will open when your children no longer live with you. Make traditions out of life events that they remember and won't want to miss. I don't know about you, but Christmas is a lot more Christmasy when everyone is home!
I plan to dance at many weddings. I plan to buy lots of baby gifts. I plan to still take a lot of pictures. These times are precious, just as when my children were small. Life is good and every single day is a blessing. chrissie (The picture is of The Mayflower II. We stopped in Plymouth and saw "The Rock." Walked the Freedom Walk in Boston. The history of our country, right there! Ate lobster the size of a baseball mitt at Martha's Vineyard. Bought a lot of T-shirts. Always a tourist...)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
South of Broad
If you have ever read my profile, you will see Pat Conroy is listed as one of my favorite authors. That would probably be an understatement. He is my favorite author. I am reading his newest novel, South of Broad. It is the story of eight friends who find each other their senior year in high school. It's a typical Conroy story that is almost poetic in it's narrative. His characters are an unlikely group of outsiders and insiders that shape who they are and what they will become during their senior year.
Many teenagers who are still insecure, shy, evolving, awkward, socially inept, who are essentially clueless, often compare themselves with those who mature sooner. The "In" crowd is hard to take if your child consider themselves "out". We try to reassure our often insecure children- "Some people are late bloomers" "You have beautiful bone structure." "No, that does not make you look fat." "Why don't you just call some people and get a group to go to the dance?"
The following passage by Conroy captures all the angst of being a teenager. He beautifully illustrates what every boy and every girl experience as they move from childhood to adulthood. Some are lucky enough to move effortlessly through the teen years, most find the passage more difficult to maneuver.
Being a failed teenager is not a crime, but a predicament and a secret crucible. It is a fun-house mirror where distortion and mystification led to the bitter reflection that sometimes ripens into self knowledge. Time is the only ally of the humiliated teenager, who eventually discovers the golden boy of the senior class is a bloated, bald drunk at the twentieth reunion, and that the homecoming queen married a wife-beater and philanderer and died in a drug rehabilitation center before she was thirty. The prince of acne rallied in college and is now head of neurology, and the homeliest girl blossoms in her twenties, marries the chief financial officer of a national bank, and attends her reunion as president of the Junior League. But since a teenager is denied a crystal ball that will predict the future, there is a forced march quality to this unspeakable rite of passage. It is an unforgivable crime for teenagers not to be able to absolve themselves for being ridiculous creatures at the most hazardous time of their lives.
(South of Broad, Pat Conroy; Random House-2009)
The book is available everywhere and is a good read. In another life, Pat Conroy and I will sit at a table somewhere in the south and he will talk, and I will listen. He puts words together like no contemporary author today. Happy Fall. chrissie
Many teenagers who are still insecure, shy, evolving, awkward, socially inept, who are essentially clueless, often compare themselves with those who mature sooner. The "In" crowd is hard to take if your child consider themselves "out". We try to reassure our often insecure children- "Some people are late bloomers" "You have beautiful bone structure." "No, that does not make you look fat." "Why don't you just call some people and get a group to go to the dance?"
The following passage by Conroy captures all the angst of being a teenager. He beautifully illustrates what every boy and every girl experience as they move from childhood to adulthood. Some are lucky enough to move effortlessly through the teen years, most find the passage more difficult to maneuver.
Being a failed teenager is not a crime, but a predicament and a secret crucible. It is a fun-house mirror where distortion and mystification led to the bitter reflection that sometimes ripens into self knowledge. Time is the only ally of the humiliated teenager, who eventually discovers the golden boy of the senior class is a bloated, bald drunk at the twentieth reunion, and that the homecoming queen married a wife-beater and philanderer and died in a drug rehabilitation center before she was thirty. The prince of acne rallied in college and is now head of neurology, and the homeliest girl blossoms in her twenties, marries the chief financial officer of a national bank, and attends her reunion as president of the Junior League. But since a teenager is denied a crystal ball that will predict the future, there is a forced march quality to this unspeakable rite of passage. It is an unforgivable crime for teenagers not to be able to absolve themselves for being ridiculous creatures at the most hazardous time of their lives.
(South of Broad, Pat Conroy; Random House-2009)
The book is available everywhere and is a good read. In another life, Pat Conroy and I will sit at a table somewhere in the south and he will talk, and I will listen. He puts words together like no contemporary author today. Happy Fall. chrissie
Monday, September 14, 2009
She Sings-They Listen
Someone my age has just got to love someone named Taylor Swift. Her grace and class after being interrupted by rapper Kanae West during the MTV- VHI awards was noteworthy. The unfortunate incident brought even more positive attention to this talented nineteen year old. I say even more because she is one of the most popular artists in country music today. Popular with all ages, (my 21 year old for one), but she is incredibly popular with young tween and teen girls.
This is a very good thing.
Researching to write this column reinforced my first reaction to Ms. Swift. She grew up in a strong and supportive family and still lives at home. In high school Taylor was an excellent student. She recognized her talent and followed her dream. The young entertainer moved with the whole fam to Nashville when she began to be noticed as a performer. Amazingly, she did not sign with the first recording company offer because Taylor wanted more artistic control-(at 17!)
This is an age of spoiled and self-centered celebrities. Many such celebrities are famous for being famous. They are known for what they wear, where they hang out, and how much they spend. Our youth are bombarded with which addiction is popular, who is having who's baby, temper tantrums and prima donna's. The topics of "teen" magazines are x-rated and presented as if all choices are acceptable. As parents, we can jump and down and wave our arms. "Hey! Look this way." Be wise." Parents need to do this. But our pictures are not what is hung on our teens bulletin boards. Our words are not in their ipod. What young girls (and boys) need are positive role models who don't preach and who know where our kids are coming from.
That's where we are glad for successful young women like Taylor Swift. She writes her own songs and she speaks the words all young girls want to say. She verbalizes all the angst and the joy that it means to be a teenager. Her lyrics are universal and timeless. I knew exactly what Taylor meant in the following song. When I was in the 10th grade, my senior was on the football team, had a hank of hair that he was always brushing out of his eyes and wore Weejuns with no socks. He ate Bar-B-Que every day at lunch. He had a forest green 442 and always drove with his left arm out the window. I don't think he ever even knew my name.
Fifteen
You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven't seen you around, before Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feeling like there nothing to figure out
Well count to ten, take it in
This is life before who you're gonna be
Fifteen
And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you think he's the one
And you're dancing round your room when the night ends
When the night ends
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tell you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin round but
In your life you'll do greater than dating the boy on the football team
But i didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who Iwas supposed to be at fifteen
You're very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through those doors.
Could anyone have put it any better? Taylor-thanks for speaking the language that our young girls will listen to. Thank you for saying the things they all need to hear. chrissie
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Tuesday, September 8, 2009
If Only It Was That Easy
Melony's observations about the the President addressing America's school children is (as usual), insightful and well argued. As we often discuss on this site, a good education in this country is becoming less and less the focus of families and schools. Either teaching to the test or teaching to the least performing has become the norm in many systems. When expectations at home are not demanding and support for a rigorous curriculum is non-existent, least performing students become the majority.
Mel's comparison of President Kennedy's push for physical activity and a healthier young population to President Obama's address regarding education is an excellent example. America's children are more obese, out of shape and in poorer health because of their weight than ever before. What lessons did their parents learn from the government's "public service" push in the 60's?
As an aside, did you know Muskogee, Oklahoma was one of the pilot cities for Kennedy's fitness campaign? There was even a city-wide event held at Indian Bowl. All of us were required to wear white shirts and shorts and we performed to "Go you Chicken Fat, go away.....go you chicken fat go." A series of exercises was interspersed between the lyrics. Muskogee students gamely performed with national coverage and politicians looking on, ready for a press opportunity. There was much speculation among Muskogee's school children that President Kennedy himself would be in attendance. Unless he came in disguise and unheralded, he missed the grand event.
I guess what our point is-values can 't be legislated. As someone wiser than I said, "Children learn what they live". If they are raised in an environment with the TV blaring, a belief that hard work is not necessary for success and that goals and aspirations are not defined-they learn mediocrity is acceptable. If home is not a place that nurtures and inspires, they begin to look elsewhere. Rock stars, spoiled athletes and undisciplined celebrities become the role models for a population that truly needs heroes a little closer to home. chrissie
Mel's comparison of President Kennedy's push for physical activity and a healthier young population to President Obama's address regarding education is an excellent example. America's children are more obese, out of shape and in poorer health because of their weight than ever before. What lessons did their parents learn from the government's "public service" push in the 60's?
As an aside, did you know Muskogee, Oklahoma was one of the pilot cities for Kennedy's fitness campaign? There was even a city-wide event held at Indian Bowl. All of us were required to wear white shirts and shorts and we performed to "Go you Chicken Fat, go away.....go you chicken fat go." A series of exercises was interspersed between the lyrics. Muskogee students gamely performed with national coverage and politicians looking on, ready for a press opportunity. There was much speculation among Muskogee's school children that President Kennedy himself would be in attendance. Unless he came in disguise and unheralded, he missed the grand event.
I guess what our point is-values can 't be legislated. As someone wiser than I said, "Children learn what they live". If they are raised in an environment with the TV blaring, a belief that hard work is not necessary for success and that goals and aspirations are not defined-they learn mediocrity is acceptable. If home is not a place that nurtures and inspires, they begin to look elsewhere. Rock stars, spoiled athletes and undisciplined celebrities become the role models for a population that truly needs heroes a little closer to home. chrissie
Monday, September 7, 2009
The President's Speech
On Tuesday President Obama will address the nation's K - 12 school children. You can read the text of the speech here:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/
I think what the President is trying to say is good. Teachers and parents have been saying it for thousands of years and not much has changed in our behavior, but maybe the President can make a dent in our progress toward civilization.
Back in the Renaissance Battista Guarino said that "no master can endow a careless and indifferent mind with a passion for learning." The President makes the same basic assertion, saying that "we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world - and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed."
Whether you agree with the President or not, will allow your children to watch his speech or not, one question stands out in my mind and that is, has the value of education sunken so low in America as to necessitate that the President of the United States address it with the nation's children?
Whether you consider the speech just smoke and mirrors political tactics or truly agree with everything the President will say, please just consider the historicity of the speech from more than Republican or Democrat positions - this is the first time a President will ask children to do what is right. President Kennedy asked children to be physically fit over 46 years ago and today we have the worst childhood obesity on record. Perhaps that is because a nation's values can't be handed down by a President - they have to be instrinsic in the people. But, it never hurts to try.
---------Melony
http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/
I think what the President is trying to say is good. Teachers and parents have been saying it for thousands of years and not much has changed in our behavior, but maybe the President can make a dent in our progress toward civilization.
Back in the Renaissance Battista Guarino said that "no master can endow a careless and indifferent mind with a passion for learning." The President makes the same basic assertion, saying that "we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world - and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed."
Whether you agree with the President or not, will allow your children to watch his speech or not, one question stands out in my mind and that is, has the value of education sunken so low in America as to necessitate that the President of the United States address it with the nation's children?
Whether you consider the speech just smoke and mirrors political tactics or truly agree with everything the President will say, please just consider the historicity of the speech from more than Republican or Democrat positions - this is the first time a President will ask children to do what is right. President Kennedy asked children to be physically fit over 46 years ago and today we have the worst childhood obesity on record. Perhaps that is because a nation's values can't be handed down by a President - they have to be instrinsic in the people. But, it never hurts to try.
---------Melony
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Accentuate the Positive
Being a parent to teens could be compared to a seven year journey. (though just the turning of 20 does not guarantee a parent's trip is over!) Like any road trip, there are twists and turns and unexpected detours. Some detours result in a beautiful scene, memorable experience or exciting adventure- others are the flat tire or over-heated engine that can't be avoided and must be dealt with. We "grown-ups" can make the ride more productive and more positive by concentrating on a three-pronged approach to managing the journey.
First, a positive relationship with our child is essential to success. We just must be. Negativity will short-circuit any attempted connection. Parent-child interactions should be characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love. It's the old. "Is that the choice you think is best for you?" versus, "No way Jose.". The result is a relationship that will flourish. Also gained are self-esteem, mental health, confidence, and the all important social skills.
Second, being genuinely interested in our kids activities allows us to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble. Plus, inter-active teen years are much more fun! Passive involvement and decision making is a guaranteed deal breaker. Get involved and get your teens involved with you. When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
Third, parents who encourage independent thought and expression in their children may find that they are raising children who have a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.
Trusting our child and entrusting our child gives them a step up as they navigate the decisions and choices they will ultimately be faced with. Giving them enough rope definitely does not always mean they will hang themselves!
Parents who give their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their teen's adventure through adolescence. It is an amazing time, this watching our child go from a dependent youngster to an independent young adult. Don't miss it because communication has broken down.
As we watch our sons and daughters grow in independence, make decisions, and develop into young "grownups", we may find that the child we have reared is, like the first time we held them, even better than we could have imagined. chrissie
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Just a Will's Not the Way
None of us ever imagines we won't be there to raise our children. Did you know that 69% of parents have not made provisions should the unthinkable happen. It's morbid. We're busy. We don't want to spend the money to set things up. We push away the thought because it’s too scary to contemplate our child being raised by anyone besides us.
As parents, we must take the time and invest the energy in setting things up for our family should we not be there. Without prior planning, we will leave our family in a legal mess. An expensive and complicated mess that is easily avoidable.
Doing the right thing by our family does not have to be as painful as we think it will be. If we educate ourselves about what is needed and how to get it taken care of, getting our personal affairs in order can even be enlightening. It certainly takes a weight of our shoulders. Alexis Martin Neely, a renowned Personal Family Lawyer, offers the following guidelines.
Kid Protection Plan
A KPP begins with naming legal guardians to raise your children if anything happens to you and their mothe/. A comprehensive KPP will also name local friends or family as guardians for the immediate/short-term care of your children so that the authorities never have to take your children out of your home and into the care of strangers. With a KPP in place, you'll carry an ID card in your wallet listing the names and addresses of your immediate/short-term guardians as well as provide written instructions to all of the people who care for your children, such as babysitters and schools. Finally, a KPP will confidentially exclude anyone you know you would never want to serve as guardian of your children to ensure there are no court-room battles over your child's care. It will also provide detailed instructions about things like health care, education, discipline and your values, so your children are raised the way you want, no matter what.
Financial Durable Power of Attorney
A financial durable power of attorney is something every adult needs, even if you don't have children at home. This document is what will let your family access your bank accounts, pay your bills, and make financial and legal decisions for you if you are hospitalized or otherwise incapacitated.
This story should bring home the importance of having a durable power of attorney in place:
Neely's law firm was contacted by a young woman after her father was hurt at his janitorial job, hospitalized and unable to communicate. This man thought he did not need estate planning because his income was very low and he had less than $10,000 in the bank.
Unfortunately though, his failure to plan left his family in a lurch. They needed the little bit of money he had in the bank but couldn't access it without going to Court because the account was in his name and he didn't have a durable power of attorney naming anyone to act for him legally.The cost of going to Court was going to cost their family more than the money that was in the bank!
Don't leave your family in this kind of a painful situation unable to access the limited resources you have because you didn't do what you need to do. Be sure you have a financial durable power of attorney in place and make sure it's comprehensive and will work when your family needs it.
Health Care Directive (Living Will)
A Health Care Directive (also known as a Living Will or Health Care Power of Attorney) is another document set that every adult needs, even if you don’t have children at home counting on you.
These set of documents do two important things:
- Appoint the person you want to make health care decisions for you, if you cannot make them for yourself
- Tell your appointed decision-maker how you want those decisions to be made.
Each state has its own rules for how these documents should be prepared. In some cases, your instructions can be all in one document and in others they need to be two separate documents. The most important thing is that you get something down in writing.
And, once again, make sure you have got something that will really work when your family needs it. Neely recommends giving broad discretion to someone you trust to make decisions about all of your health care decisions, including not only life-saving medical care, such as respiration, but continued nutrition and hydration in case you are incapacitated. If you recall the Terry Schiavo case from several years ago, in which her husband and her parents fought over whether she should be kept alive or not and the case was brought all the way to the Florida Supreme Court, the issue was not whether to continue to keep her lungs pumping, but whether to continue to provide nutrition and hydration - be sure your medical directive addresses these issues.
A Will
When it comes to estate planning, most people think of having a Will. Unfortunately, having a Will often provides a false sense of security. Neely admonishes that belief as a myth. In fact, did you know your Will is the least important of the 5 legal documents every parent must know about.
A Will sets forth what you want to happen to your assets at the time of your death. But, here's the thing, where there's a Will and your assets are owned in your name, the Will merely acts as instructions to the Court as to what to do with your assets.
That means your family is stuck dealing with the Court after you are gone. This is not a good thing.
The Court process for handling your assets after your death is called probate. It's typically expensive, time-consuming, and always totally public.A Will alone is really only appropriate for parents who have no (or very limited) assets titled in their name. If you have assets, such as a home, bank accounts, life insurance, and retirement accounts, you need to have a Living Trust to keep everything out of court, totally private and make it super easy for your loved ones.
You may have heard that if you only have life insurance and retirement accounts that you could simply name beneficiaries on those assets and avoid probate. That's true, but not going to work if you have minor children because they are too young to be the beneficiaries of your assets and would end up in Court with a guardian appointed to handle them. Not what you want.
Living Trust
If you have financial assets or real estate, you want to have a Living Trust. A Living Trust is the single best way to make things as easy as possible for the people you love, bar none. But, and it's a big BUT, most people who have a Living Trust in place have one that won't work when their family needs it.It’s the same for each of these documents Neely talked about; they are only going to work the way they were designed to work if the law stays the same and your life stays the same.
Neely reminds us-As your life changes, the documents need to change and as the law changes, the documents also need to change.
And, for your Living Trust, it won't work unless all of your assets are titled in the name of it, not just once, but every time you acquire an asset in the future. It is imperative that all documents are kept up to date!
Michael Jackson is a good example. He spent hundreds of thousands of dollars with his lawyers, had a trust-based estate plan that he was probably told would keep his family out of court. As we now know, it must have failed because his family has been dragged into court already multiple times since his death with everything open to the public.
These 5 documents are absolutely vital because they will make life as easy as possible for your family, keep your loved ones out of court and get them easy access to your assets in the midst of a crisis, but only if they are kept up to date and your assets are owned properly.
Most of us do not have the time, knowledge and discipline to do this for ourselves the right way. If you do, great. But, who is going to guide your family to make the right decisions and carry things out after you are gone? There's nothing more important to you than your family. They are why you do everything you do, right? So, for them, find a lawyer who will guide you right during your lifetime and be there for your loved ones when you can’t be. It's far easier for you to take care of things now, while you are living and able than it will be for them to take care of things after you are gone. Legal planning is not just about wise financial planning; it's about making life as easy as possible for the people we love....no matter what. chrissie
Sunday, August 23, 2009
No Excuses
I have been thinking long and hard about a comment left on one of our blogs. A reader chastized me for saying that European and Asian students out-performed American students on the TIMMS (an international math and science test administered to students in grades 4 and 8). I could have blown it off, but I can't, because it is an important issue facing our children, one on which Americans should make their voices heard. We are settling too often for ideas and programs that are irrational.
The reader commented that special education and English language learners are tested the same as students in the regular classrooms on End-of-Instruction tests and this brings our overall test scores down in the U.S. I tend to agree, since it seems like if special education students could score satisfactory or advanced on an EOI exam, then they probably should not be classified as special ed.
But, I want to just counter that argument with a couple of points. We have reached the phase of EOI testing in which students are mandated to pass a requisite number of exams, Algebra I being one of them, or something as of yet ambiguous will happen to them, like they cannot get a diploma, only a certificate of attendance. Already, if a student does not pass the 8th grade reading test, he/she cannot get a driver's license until it is taken again and passed. That's fine - everyone has had plenty of opportunity to build on achieving an 8th grade reading level before the 8th grade, and everyone in Oklahoma should read on the 8th grade level.
Passing Algebra I is a little sketchier, probably because I have an aversion to math and I'm also not sure our pre-algebra methodologies from 4th to 8th grade have hit their stride in America yet, making students truly ready for the test. That said, I passed the math sections of every standardized test I took back in the late 60's/early 70's, and I was only an average student in math, so I know it can be done. I don't think any new algebraic discoveries have been made that would make algebra any harder since I was a student.
So I am in agreement with what the reader said, but I do want to ask another question. When did it become allright that special ed or ELL or minority students receive an inferior education? Saying our scores are low because we have this or that special population is a cop out. Consider the following:
1. Special education denotes a variety of conditions, many not even regarding mental acuity. ADD, eye-sight, learning disabilities and many other learning problems have nothing to do with a person's being able to achieve, except that it is harder. It is harder, but not impossible. By allowing both the individual and the community to accept low scores for these students we are short changing both the student and the community into which he will be an adult member someday. I do agree, though, that testing severely mentally handicapped individuals and expecting them to pass the test would be verging on insanity.
2. ELL students are a little different. Can you imagine your child having to pass a test in a school in France, given in French, when you had just arrived there a year ago for your new job? As humans our immediate reaction might be to protest vociferously at first or be in denial that it can't be happening. But an alternate response would be that you know your child has to take this test in French....it will be hard and require extra study, but if you want your child to be successful, you do it. Is it possible we are not trying hard enough with our ELL families to get across the reason why these tests are important? I understand the agony - as a child I lived in New Mexico and met many old people who spoke only Spanish. I also saw many students come to my fifth grade class from the reservation knowing only their native language. But children are very adaptive and are quick learners. To allow them to stay as they are is to short change them and their community in the long run. It is hard, but not impossible to reach them.
3. You often hear people say, "Well, you have a lot of 'those' children in your school, what do you expect?" Yes, the statistics are stacked up against schools that have more of "those" children, whoever they are, making it harder, but not impossible to achieve at certain levels. Since when did it become okay to try less hard? To settle for excuses? To let "those" people slip into the cracks? "Those" children, whoever they are, are not dumb - it is just a diffucult job. Since when did we become a nation of excuse-makers and wimps afraid to try hard?
Kudos to those teachers who go into the classroom everyday to fight the good fight. The year has only just begun, but already their focus is on raising the bar in the high stakes testing arena. They need the help and appreciation of the federal and state government, schools and parents. Their job is hard, but they do it.
We can't settle for excuses anymore - kids' lives depend on it. The idea that everything will be easy is irrational. Students and parents need to be trained less in feel-goodism and more in the proven principles that allow for success in life. Let's approach education with more compassion for the struggle to achieve and a more logicical approach to the problems while accepting fewer excuses.
The reader commented that special education and English language learners are tested the same as students in the regular classrooms on End-of-Instruction tests and this brings our overall test scores down in the U.S. I tend to agree, since it seems like if special education students could score satisfactory or advanced on an EOI exam, then they probably should not be classified as special ed.
But, I want to just counter that argument with a couple of points. We have reached the phase of EOI testing in which students are mandated to pass a requisite number of exams, Algebra I being one of them, or something as of yet ambiguous will happen to them, like they cannot get a diploma, only a certificate of attendance. Already, if a student does not pass the 8th grade reading test, he/she cannot get a driver's license until it is taken again and passed. That's fine - everyone has had plenty of opportunity to build on achieving an 8th grade reading level before the 8th grade, and everyone in Oklahoma should read on the 8th grade level.
Passing Algebra I is a little sketchier, probably because I have an aversion to math and I'm also not sure our pre-algebra methodologies from 4th to 8th grade have hit their stride in America yet, making students truly ready for the test. That said, I passed the math sections of every standardized test I took back in the late 60's/early 70's, and I was only an average student in math, so I know it can be done. I don't think any new algebraic discoveries have been made that would make algebra any harder since I was a student.
So I am in agreement with what the reader said, but I do want to ask another question. When did it become allright that special ed or ELL or minority students receive an inferior education? Saying our scores are low because we have this or that special population is a cop out. Consider the following:
1. Special education denotes a variety of conditions, many not even regarding mental acuity. ADD, eye-sight, learning disabilities and many other learning problems have nothing to do with a person's being able to achieve, except that it is harder. It is harder, but not impossible. By allowing both the individual and the community to accept low scores for these students we are short changing both the student and the community into which he will be an adult member someday. I do agree, though, that testing severely mentally handicapped individuals and expecting them to pass the test would be verging on insanity.
2. ELL students are a little different. Can you imagine your child having to pass a test in a school in France, given in French, when you had just arrived there a year ago for your new job? As humans our immediate reaction might be to protest vociferously at first or be in denial that it can't be happening. But an alternate response would be that you know your child has to take this test in French....it will be hard and require extra study, but if you want your child to be successful, you do it. Is it possible we are not trying hard enough with our ELL families to get across the reason why these tests are important? I understand the agony - as a child I lived in New Mexico and met many old people who spoke only Spanish. I also saw many students come to my fifth grade class from the reservation knowing only their native language. But children are very adaptive and are quick learners. To allow them to stay as they are is to short change them and their community in the long run. It is hard, but not impossible to reach them.
3. You often hear people say, "Well, you have a lot of 'those' children in your school, what do you expect?" Yes, the statistics are stacked up against schools that have more of "those" children, whoever they are, making it harder, but not impossible to achieve at certain levels. Since when did it become okay to try less hard? To settle for excuses? To let "those" people slip into the cracks? "Those" children, whoever they are, are not dumb - it is just a diffucult job. Since when did we become a nation of excuse-makers and wimps afraid to try hard?
Kudos to those teachers who go into the classroom everyday to fight the good fight. The year has only just begun, but already their focus is on raising the bar in the high stakes testing arena. They need the help and appreciation of the federal and state government, schools and parents. Their job is hard, but they do it.
We can't settle for excuses anymore - kids' lives depend on it. The idea that everything will be easy is irrational. Students and parents need to be trained less in feel-goodism and more in the proven principles that allow for success in life. Let's approach education with more compassion for the struggle to achieve and a more logicical approach to the problems while accepting fewer excuses.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Earning Freedom
The mom of a teenager and I got in a discussion about teens and curfews. She asked for my input on curfew times for her teen. New curfews and questions about updated rules are definitely on everyone's radar now as a new school year begins. As they go up a grade, teens may have expectations for additional freedom. They will likely be making some new friends and opportunities for new social activities are down the road. This is a good thing. As I often have said, as a parent, you want the phone to ring. So, looking at curfews in the context of additional freedom for Mr. or Ms Independent seems relevant.
What kind of additional freedoms are appropriate as our children grow? Unfortunately, there is no pat answer. Curfew is a personal choice; the right answer for one family may be different than the answer in another. What's important to keep in mind, is that while your teen is learning to manage additional freedom s/he needs to be taking on additional responsibility as well. When the two are not linked, a sense of entitlement may develop that could undermine your best intentions. That sense of entitlement can destroy a teen's progress to maturity and responsibility.
How exactly to link freedom and responsibility? It's not difficult - but it does take intention and attention as a parent. A new drivers license could be accompanied by the responsibility to buy their own gas, or pay for insurance or drive a younger sibling to a class or practice. An extension on the curfew for your new high school freshman could link to a commitment to babysit younger siblings weekly or the requirement that your teen spend Saturday mornings doing chores. Be clear that additional freedom links to additional responsibilities so that your teen learns there is no "free lunch." This is real world life-lesson material.... Perhaps those in our government might disagree, but you don't get something for nothing.
The right curfew time and the right level of freedom for your teen will be determined by his/her level of maturity, your trust in their judgment, your knowledge of their activities and whereabouts and your level of comfort with their friends…. among other things. Talk to other parents. Communicating can provide good ideas as well as a sense for what your teen is expecting. But ultimately, the level of freedom you allow or the time of the curfew is personal choice; don't feel the pressure to do what "everyone else is doing.".
Linking freedom with responsibility heightens the value of the freedom and helps your teen respect their new privileges. Being attentive is required to maximize the value in this approach, so be prepared and tuned in to the role you will need to play. Trust me on this.... you are just loving your child and doing him or her a favor by connecting these two things and not giving them a free ride.
As a side note from one parent to another- Nothing good happens after 12:00. chrissie
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Seeing the Potential
The cover of this week's MY Magazine features a picture of Muskogee Early Childhood Center (ECC) students looking blithely into the camera, personalities already evident by the age of four. Many people see only adorable pre-schoolers, but I see potential doctors, lawyers, nurses, store managers and teachers starring back at me.
A strange phenomenon occurs when I run into members of this year's Muskogee High School senior class. It seems like just yesterday they were funny little children, caught forever running and laughing in that camera of my mind, the exact opposite of what I experience when looking at those kindergarteners. The mind can fly both forward and backwards in time, unbounded by any laws of physics, except for the sheer potentiality of what all of these young people may become - what any of us may become at any given time in our lives.
To quote Ophelia in Hamlet, "We know what we are, but not what we may be." As parents and teachers we often understand this quote all too well. The line that separates a child from a future of addiction and failure or unbelievable success is sometimes a fine one. We approach our first, second, and third born children differently, and due to a myriad of factors, children from the very same family turn out differently. As parents we often blame ourselves for lack of the same degree of interest in all our children. As teachers we may feel we did not do enough to save this or that person from him/herself.
Regardless of our approach, one thing we must do is see and trust in the potential of our children. Covey has said in The 8th Habit that trust becomes a verb when we see and communicate the worth and potential in someone so clearly that he or she is able to see it himself. This one factor, regardless of other variables in raising a child, can be the difference between giving a child the power of self-efficacy and a feeling of powerlessness. Seeing that potential requires a profound faith in the individual and in the belief that things will turn out as they are meant to be. It cannot be separated out from the love needed to affirm children that they are capable of goodness and greatness.
When I see those children, whether this year's kindergarteners or Class of 2010 seniors, I have the greatest love and respect for them. Regardless of their age, they are our equals, just on a different leg of the journey. They have the potential to solve problems we cannot imagine and to take care of us in ways we do not yet understand. Seeing the potential in our children and clearly communicating it in affirmative ways is one of the best gifts we can give.
-------Melony
A strange phenomenon occurs when I run into members of this year's Muskogee High School senior class. It seems like just yesterday they were funny little children, caught forever running and laughing in that camera of my mind, the exact opposite of what I experience when looking at those kindergarteners. The mind can fly both forward and backwards in time, unbounded by any laws of physics, except for the sheer potentiality of what all of these young people may become - what any of us may become at any given time in our lives.
To quote Ophelia in Hamlet, "We know what we are, but not what we may be." As parents and teachers we often understand this quote all too well. The line that separates a child from a future of addiction and failure or unbelievable success is sometimes a fine one. We approach our first, second, and third born children differently, and due to a myriad of factors, children from the very same family turn out differently. As parents we often blame ourselves for lack of the same degree of interest in all our children. As teachers we may feel we did not do enough to save this or that person from him/herself.
Regardless of our approach, one thing we must do is see and trust in the potential of our children. Covey has said in The 8th Habit that trust becomes a verb when we see and communicate the worth and potential in someone so clearly that he or she is able to see it himself. This one factor, regardless of other variables in raising a child, can be the difference between giving a child the power of self-efficacy and a feeling of powerlessness. Seeing that potential requires a profound faith in the individual and in the belief that things will turn out as they are meant to be. It cannot be separated out from the love needed to affirm children that they are capable of goodness and greatness.
When I see those children, whether this year's kindergarteners or Class of 2010 seniors, I have the greatest love and respect for them. Regardless of their age, they are our equals, just on a different leg of the journey. They have the potential to solve problems we cannot imagine and to take care of us in ways we do not yet understand. Seeing the potential in our children and clearly communicating it in affirmative ways is one of the best gifts we can give.
-------Melony
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