May the Circle Remain Unbroken Redux

Chrissie's loving post about her new grandchild and her family's having come full circle reminded me of an online conversation I had a few weeks ago. I was monitoring posts on the Charlaine Harris website (she is a novelist living in Fayettville, AR.) when "Hockeymom" mentioned that she had just recently apologized to her mother for her behavior as a teenager. She told her mother how much she loved her and appreciated her. What prompted this apology was that "Hockeymom" was now herself the mother of a 14-year-old son.

I loved the fact that she apologized to her mom. Have you had that conversation with your parents yet? I remember rather sheepishly saying "sorry" to my dad, too, for whatever grief, however small it may have been, that I caused him and my mother, who passed away 22 years ago, just a few months before the birth of my first child.

I have missed having my mom here tremendously, to give child-rearing advice and to get to know the two super people her grandchildren have become. I wish I could have had a chance to apologize to her, too. Once you are on the other side of the parenting issue, every uncool action your parents took, which seemed so stupid to you at the time, becomes crystal clear.

Life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards.

There are lessons to be learned from this. One is that for now, it's our turn to be the uncool parents who monitor the Internet, phone usage, and tv. We impose limits, such as bedtimes, the money dole, curfews, and how many text messages we are willing to pay for (none, as far as I'm concerned, until Cingular, or ATT, or whatever they are going to call themselves, makes incoming text messages free).

Our children may be exhibiting a great disdain for us and our rules right now. But, we know that they will all too quickly be on the other side of the teen years and will clearly understand why we imposed certain restrictions, while "everyone else's parents let them ... " Be confident in this solidly nerdy stance. We know we are right. We must brace ourselves for the evil looks, the tears, the slammed doors, the silent treatment. We all will survive the teenage years. And, we won't have to say "I told you so" or mutter something about payback under our breath, because chances are, if we do things right, our children will end up apologizing to us, too. And, scary thought, alot of their ideas about how to treat us will come from what they have observed about how we treat our parents now, so beware!

Secondly, we may be making decisions we think are right for our children at the moment, but for which we may later be sorry. Examples could be not making them take harder classes during middle school and high school, letting them quit a sport or music lesson, allowing them to work too many hours and miss all their high school activities, or letting them continue going out with that guy we feel uneasy about. Alot of the confusion can come from the fact that we are tired of fighting or are going through the final stages of our own growing up.

For all of us, life can only be lived forwards, but understood backwards. So, I guess my point is that life flies at us so quickly, in the confusion we want to work it out so that we make it to the point that Chrissie describes in her last post. That is the ultimate goal. A simple Cherokee proverb probably best describes the way to come full circle in life:

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

If we can just make that our credo when dealing with a frustrating teenager who stayed out past curfew again, or forgot his math book on his dresser again and we have to drive it out to the school, or any myriad of things a teen can do to aggravate and annoy, then the apology is well on its way, even though it doesn't really have to be said. Live life forward with intent, so that when you look back you don't need do-overs. As cliche as it is, leave a legacy. That's all there is to it.

Oh, and.....thanks, Mom, for putting up with the teenaged me. Now I know. I forgot to mention, too, that seven years later on the day my mom passed away, my beautiful neice, Katy, was born. As Chrissie so aptly put it, may the circle remain unbroken for all of us!

Katy's Favorite Angel Food Cake Dessert

1 angel food cake, prepared

1 package Dream Whip (will need milk and vanilla, too)

1 container frozen strawberries with syrup

Tear up angel food cake into bite-sized pieces in medium-large bowl. Prepare Dream Whip according to directions. Pour strawberries (I do drain mine just a little tiny little bit) onto angel food cake and mix gently. Gently fold in Dream Whip. Chill until ready to serve, but does get soggy after a few hours.

May The Circle Remain Unbroken

This last week was a momentous one in my family. Our second grandchild and first grandson was born on Wednesday morning. I am delighted to report, Mother and baby, Father and sister, all doing fine.

The hour may have been early, the trip to Tulsa dark and cold, but just like the swallows, my clan converged on the hospital. New babies are a big event with my group and congregate we did. One brother (with sweet girl-friend in tow) drove in from Oklahoma City, and another brother and sister skipped classes and jobs in Norman for their nephew's arrival. Before the day was out, great Uncles and Aunts, cousins and family friends all cheerfully ignored the no visitors signs and met our newest family member. My daughter was delighted to show him off and commented how blessed and grateful she was to have so many special people in her life.

I have to be honest. No Hallmark card here. At 5:30 in the morning, we were a pretty motley crew. All of us were continually shushed by the patient and long-suffering staff. My boys were running down the halls giving High Fives to the religious figure of Jesus who was there to bless the penitent and hurting. I finally grabbed my 25 year old and told him if he gave Jesus five one more time, he was actually going to need a prayer and healing.

In the waiting room, I wish you could have seen the patriarch of the family, my husband, arguing with his granddaughter and other young friends over channel choices. It was no contest of course. Fox and Friends was quickly replaced by Dora the Explorer. The two-year-old sister of newest arrival decided at some point in the morning she was no longer potty trained. Enough said except that proper provisions had not been made for her hygiene choice.

That Kodak moment of seeing our baby through the glass, proudly displayed by his beaming Daddy was real enough. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. That was until the male members of the audience began commenting on physical attributes and family resemblances. There still were no dry eyes but it was because everyone was laughing so hard.

When the baby was brought back to the room, the feeding frenzy began. We likened it to who gets the drumstick at Thanksgiving. The proud parents were needless to say a little reticent to pass their 2 hour old infant around but their good manners prevailed over good sense and we all got to hold him for a minute or two. It was particularly awkward with our youngest son as he was in the middle of a week long fraternity initiation. This pledge had been wearing the same pair of socks and underwear for 7 days. His sister and brother-in-law's stipulation? Lots of hand-washing and several blankets between said sibling and his nephew.

My husband and I kept staring across the room at each other. Family. Our Family. Not perfect but perfect to us. In midlife people you love start to get a rosy aura around them. You are old enough to appreciate the miracle of it all and old enough to disregard what you need to. Just like childbirth, labor is forgotten and you only remember the joy.

You may be scratching your head at this point. What does this have to do with Mel and my column? Everything. I promise. Life just keeps getting better with your children. From toddlers to teens, appreciate the good times and when the times get bumpy, (as they will) keep your eyes on the prize- a healthy and loving relationship with your children for the rest of your life.

Joe White says that parenting wasn't designed as an experience to simply survive. We were meant to celebrate it...to succeed in it...to weep in both the hurts and the joys...and leave nothing behind to regret. No greater adventure are we offered and no greater responsibility do we accept than that of raising the next generation. Hats off to all of us who are trying so hard to do it right. And isn't that the best we can do?

My group never travels anywhere without provisions. Ever. One of our favorites passed around the hospital room were these cookies. (a specific request from my son-in-law.)

Oh-Mommy's Oatmeal Cookies

Cream together: 1/2 cup butter, 1/2 cup Crisco, with 1 cup sugar and 1 cup brown sugar

Add: 2 eggs and 1 tsp good vanilla

Sift together: 1 1/2 cup flour, 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp soda and stir into wet ingredients

Add: 2 cups golden raisins and 3 cups quick cooking oats

Bake: 350 degrees for approximately 10 minutes

Makes: Approx 6 dozen small cookies

Are You Raising A Misogynist?

My brother-in-law is a professor and ob-gyn. As such, he has an insight into the female body and mind outside the scope of the normal male. He said something one day during an interesting conversation that you don't normally hear a man say, viz., that misogyny, or the continued mistreatment and hatred of women, is one of the biggest problems facing the world. This is a kind and logically thinking man who has been to Rawanda as a volunteer doctor, witnessing firsthand the kind of chaos the mistreatment of women can render. He also runs a clinic for indigent women, and has seen women in all states of abuse.

But still, coming from a man, his statement startled me. To paraphrase, he said that how we treat women, the mothers and caretakers of our most valued possessions (children), indicates how well the rest of society progresses. It is such a simple truth, but one that most of the world ignores. Even Plato observed back in the 300's B.C. that education for boys and girls should be equal, noting that after the treatment women normally recieved in those days, they became nothing but "skivvies", or slaves.

Fast forward over 2,000 years and one has to ask, why is this one battle still being fought? It could easily be eradicated through parenting and education. Which brings me to the question of how we raise our sons. Our children watch the dynamics of our relationships and determine how men should treat women. They decide to follow in the same footsteps or revise the dynamic in their own families, but either way, we are the first imprint they receive. The second one often comes from rappers who are notoriously misogynistic (think Snoop P-I-M-P) and from movies.

I don't want to moralize by listing a long series of the ways in which we imperceptibly transfer the idea that women are not equal in a family. The division of labor between a man and a woman may never be equal, but it can be VALUED equally. One of the primal laws is "honor thy father and mother", but somehow we never get around to the "and mother" part. If a man tells his son in one breath to "honor your mother, boy", but in the next instant lets her vacuum around his feet while he goes on watching his tv show, without even so much as a "thank-you", then a double message is sent.

How do we raise our sons, then? A common division of labor is for the boys to mow the lawn and the girls to do the dishes or cook. The only problem is that the lawn has to be mown only once a week at most, but the dishes and cooking are daily chores to be dealt with. Women tend to pamper their sons, but teaching our sons to cook, do the dishes and laundry are life skills everyone needs. Did you see the cartoon Zits this week? The son asks his mother to come tuck him in, which touches a chord of sentimentality, until she realizes he just wants her to throw away his pile of trash and retrieve his dirty dishes!

The USA is way ahead in curbing the tide of misogyny, but it remains a detrimental problem in much of the world. Simply valuing everyone's contributions, both men's and women's, can add much grace to the world. Just something to think about. (And, no, I'm not voting for Hillary for President...)

Here is a recipe for a Ranchero Dagwood you can teach your son to make:
1 loaf Frech bread
6 slices Provolone
1 lb. ground beef
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 small onion chopped
1 jar spaghetti sauce
1 small can sliced black olives
Split bread in half and scoop out each side to form a shell. Brown ground beef with garlic and onion. Drain. Add tomato sauce and simmer. Bake bread halves in oven at 350 degrees until hot and crusty, 12 - 15 minutes. Lay provolone slices across each half - they should melt slightly. Fill each half with the ground beef mixture and top with the sliced olives. Can place in the oven again, if desired, for additional heating.

Teen Fashion For Dummies

I admit it. I am out of the loop. Maybe some of you are too. After this crazy week in Oklahoma, it seemed like we needed diversion. We needed escape. We needed fashion.

You may have seen them on those entertainment shows. You may have noticed them at the mall. You most assuredly have been asked to pay for them. Here's a short and definitely adult point of view regarding current trends for teens.

Baby Doll
Empire waists are back in style. Whether on dresses or tops, the very feminine baby doll look is all the rage. Short puffy sleeves, sashes, patterns and colors...could it get any better? Mine was pink dotted swiss with a pink satin sash. I wore it with white patterned hose and Mary Jane Shoes. The time was somewhere in the sixties and the designer was Mary Quant. She's back but this time, bolder and bigger. Remember Carnaby Street?

Camo
Camo, or camouflage, is a type of print favored by the military and hunters. It comes in and out of style just like Alec Baldwin. It is really in now. Camo colors definitely do not blend into the shrubbery anymore. The green, brown and khaki pattern is accented with pink, purple and blue backgrounds. Ducks and deer would see a wearer coming a mile away. That's the point of course. Note: these are not camo's from the hunting section of Bass Pro. They are fitted, and tailored, and small, really small.

Shoulder Dusters
Shoulder Dusters are earrings that closely resemble mini chandeliers. They're long, sparkly, and fake . Nicole Kidman and Beyonce, among other leading ladies, are rarely seen without these mega-watt sparklers. Their's however, are not fake. 13 year-olds lack a certain sophistication as they sparkle at the mall but God love em', sparkle and dangle they do.

Floods
Floods are cropped pants that walk the fine line between "high waters" and "Capri's." They usually hit anywhere from right above the ankle to lower calf and are surprisingly flattering. They look great with everything from ballet slippers to flip flops.
Note: even in the ice storm, floods were everywhere, some even with rubber flip-flops.

BEATERS
Also known as "wife-beaters." A beater is a thin, ribbed tank originally worn by men as underwear. Men who wore it by itself as a shirt projected a low-class look (hence the "wife-beater" tag). Remember Marlon Brando in "A Streetcar Named Desire?" Now there was an undershirt. Umm. I digress. Although they started out as simple undershirts, slowly people began wearing them alone and they've become a favorite of celebs - like Paris Hilton. If you watched in alarm a year ago as your female child left the house with a large expanse of flesh between the top part and the bottom, appreciate wife beaters. Layering is in and the undershirt makes up the difference between the top and the jean.


Hoodies
Hoodies include any hooded top or jacket, but is normally used to describe hooded sweatshirts, particularly zip-front or drawstring. The hoodie's "throw-on-and-go" concept became increasingly popular with the rise of Juicy Couture sweats. Juicy Hoodies will set you back about $125.00. Gap $45.00 Wal-Mart $15.00. Hoodies are the uniform of 12-18 year olds. They are pretty comfortable and cozy.

Hip Hop
This is a popular look started by African American teens and now sported by fashionable youth everywhere. The low slung pants, untied shoes, ball caps sideways, jerseys and jewelery... Fubu, Southpole and SeanJean are successful brands of this urban style.

Kitten Heel
This shoe was popularized by Audrey Hepburn -- It is a little heel, usually 1/2 to 1 inch high, with a little curve to it. It's a perfect compromise between flats and high heels. If you have ever watched young fashionistas try to negotiate school stairs or tile halls in 3 inch stilettos, you would appreciate the wisdom of the "kitten heel". It gives the girls a little dignity!

L & L
This stands for leggings and layering. Once again, a positive fashion trend. Leggings are like we wore in the eighties, but now paired with those oh- so- short skirts. The layering is very popular and beaters, (see above) are paired with T's and vests or shirts and sweaters. Add a BIG belt and ballerina flats. Don't forget the headband or scarf -get this- holding their hair back! There is a God.

Old School
The term old-school applies to anything retro, vintage, or classic, but most often describes athletic wear (especially the long-lived Adidas side-stripe tracksuit) or sneakers (anything rappers or rock stars wear is sure to be in fashion). Will Ferrell's characters on Saturday Night Live were always "old school". Think tube socks. They'll be coming back. Just watch.
Also Known As: retro, vintage, classic

The Poof
The poof is the new hairstyle that requires parting the top of the head on both sides and pulling the hair back. The difference from a smooth top, anchored at the crown is that now, the hair is pushed back toward the forehead, thereby the poof. It is still caught with a tortoise barrette or clip but there is a little bump or wave on the top of the head. I didn't do a very good job describing this one. Ok...... Remember when you were growing your bangs out and you put the clip about halfway in the middle of your head to hold the hair back? It's sorta like that.

Prep
Preppy is no longer an attitude (privately educated upper crust WASP) but a style. Preppy clothing has never gone away, it has just evolved. The key is to mix prep-school staples (think plaid, polo tees, and pink & green) with fresh pieces for an unstuffy, downtown look. Prep now is really a mix, with layers of seemingly unrelated and unmatched things, but if there is a plaid, or pink, or an alligator, it's "prep". Sorta. Brooks Brothers it's not.

Skaters
Skater fashions are pretty main-stream now. (much to real skaters chagrin) It's about both style and 'tude. Skaters have a devil-may-care attitude to go along with their seemingly toss-it-on-and-go clothes - but in reality their look is more put together and creative then you'd think. It's a plan, Stan. Strategic layers (long and short sleeve Tees) and smart, yet grungy accessories (necklaces, etc.) are the basis of this look. Urban Outfitters is a good place to get the idea and see the popular brands of clothing. Van or Jack Purcell shoes, Dickies or Ben Davis pants, Anti-Hero or retro rock shirts such as AC/DC, North Face Jackets..it's tough work to look like you don't care how you look.

Trainers
Trainers are any type of athletic shoe, though usually refers to a hip, trendy sneaker (whether you're talking old school or high-tech). Trendy ones look like ballet shoes, are a variety of colors and pretty on the foot. Diesel is a good example. High Tech are anything from Nike to New Balance and are made for a purpose other than looking so precious on a sweet thing's feet.
Also Known As: Treads Tennies Sneaks Kicks

Trucker Hats are mesh caps (sort of like a baseball cap but stiffer and with a higher crown). These caps are collected by truck drivers from various stops along their driving routes, but after "Punk'd" star (and Demi's hubby) Ashton began sporting them, a serious craze started. Somehow these hats are so kitschy, they're cool. Originally, Von Dutch was the only way to go. It's out now but the trucker hats are still in.

This is definitely the short course from an over the hill point of view. (thanks to
www. fashion.about.com ) Young, trendy fashion setters- log on and add to the list!

Deep Freeze Perfect for Heart-Warming Opportunities

Chrissie's last post focused on the fact that teenagers have not changed much since the dawn of time. They have many positive qualities and are our most precious commodity. As such, it is up to us to teach them to be servant leaders of our democracy. Nothing presents itself for this instruction like what has just occured in Muskogee and other cities across Oklahoma, declared a federal disaster area by President Bush.

How do you describe the sound of limbs weighed down with ice creaking, cracking, and then crashing down from a 100-year-old 50 ft. tree? Everywhere roads are blocked with fallen trees, making obstacle courses out of streets, which otherwise would be passable. Thousands of people in the area affected by the storm have been without power for days now, 15,000 in Muskogee alone. If you have power and are reading this, Muskogee Public Schools is closed through Friday.

In the weeks ahead, the clean-up process will be overwhelming. Volunteer opportunities will abound for all of us. You will most likely need some help at your own house, but so will your extended family, neighbors, acquaintances and stangers. Charity begins at home, as they say, and reaching out yourself to others in need sets the example for your teens.

So far I have witnessed magnanimous outreaching from so many people. Neighbors and friends calling to check on others and offer shelter. Runt's Bar-b-que driving the streets feeding the OG&E crews and others who needed food. The OG&E guys, even though they get paid, have done a tremendous amount of work in the last few days in hazardous conditions with limbs cracking and crashing all around them. We are grateful for the crews from out of state who have come to Oklahoma to help us! The police, fire fighters, City crews and people who have opened shelters have done an excellent job in adverse conditions.

There will be ample opportunity to volunteer for all of us once the aftermath of this seemingly nuclear winter becomes clear. There are, of course, more horrific places that need our help - the Sudan, Darfur, Iraq - but, as I said, charity begins at home. We learn as teens how to help the rest of the world by learning to help people right here.

Teens always rise to occassions such as this and show us what they are made of. I am not advocating that your teen use a chainsaw (although I am certain many are quite capable, the power lines and falling ice and tree limbs pose an unusual threat), but the parks and other beautiful spaces in Muskogee and outlying areas will need tending once the debris is cleared. Keep those volunteer service projects in mind, especially with the Azalea Festival just about 14 weeks away. With more snow predicted for this weekend, we may all be tested again as to what strength of character we are made of.

Keep warm and stay safe.

Melony

But We've Got High Hopes

Our youth now love luxury, they have bad manners,

contempt for authority,

they show disrespect for their elders

and love chatter in the place of exercise;

they no longer rise when their elders enter the room;

they contradict their parents,

chatter before company,

gobble up their food and tyrannize teachers.

Ok youth of America. We have been beating up on you the last week. But, it's not just us. We promise. It's been a universal anthem for centuries. Torch wielding villagers have long marched on that misunderstood Frankenstein of puberty and rebellion-teenagers.

There is a song from the musical "Bye Bye Birdie" that has the late Paul Lynde lamenting the downward spiral of the 60's teen generation. "Kids! What's the matter with kids today?...Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way...what's the matter with kids today?" Officer Krumpke in the 1950 era "West Side Story" knows them juvenile delinquents teens are just plain bad. And of course those Elizabethan lovers, Romeo and Juliet, defy their parents, break their rules, have passionate sex and use stupor inducing drugs. (however, things did not exactly work out too well for the star -crossed lovers)

See. It's not just your generation. Everyone older thinks those younger are going to hell in a hand basket. In the 60's, flower children with their "make love mantra" and long hair made the FBI's secret lists.When Elvis Presley wiggled those famous hips, editorials around America forecast the fall of civilization. James Dean rebeled with no cause and before him, Frank Sinatra sent infamous "bobby soxers' into fits of passion and adults into fits of concern. F Scott Fitzgerald wrote of jazz age twenty-somethings without a goal or a conscience and Mark Twain penned the following; " when a child turns thirteen, you put him in a barrel with only a hole to feed him through. When he turns eighteen, plug the hole."

However, there are some things you might think about as you read this blog. Your present choices determine your future. Attitude makes a huge difference in opportunities. Success later demands some sacrifice today. Do not accept negative circumstances in your life-identify them and rise above them. Don't let them drag you down. Choose the right friends and the right diversions. You are not stupid. Stay out of trouble. Plan ahead and work toward that plan. Make good grades. Communicate with teachers and let them know it is important to you and that you are really trying. If you and your parents are not communicating right now, discuss with them how to remedy the situation. Allies are much better than enemies.

One more thing. The quote that opened this piece? A Greek named Socrates. Fifth Century B.C.

Here is an easy dish for this cold, icy weather.

Drip Beef Sandwiches

Dump in Crock pot

1 roast- rump, arm or chuck

1 or 2 pkg's pkg Lipton Dry onion soup (depending on size of roast)

1 or 2 cans of beef consomme

1 cup red wine or water

garlic

Lee and Perrin

salt and pepper

Cook all day. Two or three hours before serving, shred with fork and cover again.

Serve with good hard rolls-toasted with au-jus on the side.

Horseradish, mustard, mayo as desired.

Note: you can change the flavor by adding Bar-B-Q Sauce, Teriyaki Sauce, Liquid Smoke

A Ham Story

Not everyone has had a chance to take a class with Dr. Lashley at NSU. He has a great course in the education department that everyone should be required to take. In it he describes the influence that one's parents can have on one's world view. I use much of his teachings in my classroom, as everyone there, even though still a teenager, is a potential parent him/herself who can benefit from thinking about why we do what we do and think what we think.

Hence, the ham story. It was a holiday. A young woman was going to prepare a ham for the family dinner. Her mother and father had come for this holiday, too, the first at her own house. As the young lady began to prepare the ham for cooking, she cut off the ends of the ham. Her mom asked her why she cut off the perfectly good ends of the ham. The daughter said, "Because that's what you always did." The mother laughed and said, "Yes, but my pan was not as big as yours."

Even though they seem like they are not paying attention, our teenagers have been observing us. Our unexplained actions can be misinterpreted by our teenagers. It is so important to keep the lines of communication open with our teenagers and explain why we do what we do or think what we think.

This is especially true of young teens between the ages of 11 and 16. Many brain studies have shown that they cannot interpret our facial expressions correctly because they are thinking with the amygdala and not the frontal lobes. If you are anxious, they think you are mad. If you are befuddled, they think you are mad. If you are sad, they think you are mad. If you are afraid, they think you are mad.

This is why explaining yourself is so important. Miscommunication can make for more than just some lost ham parts. It can build a wall of misinterpretation between you and your child that provokes an unnecessary fight. And, once they know you are fearful because they didn't call when the movie ran over, and that's why you really are now mad, they can take being grounded much better!

As far as ham, I am kinda hammed out after the holidays. What about a Yankee Sandwich served on hamburger buns? Throw in some chips and this is a simple dinner that teenagers love.

Helen Corbitt's Yankee Sandwich
1 lb. hot dogs, sliced
1 large can baked beans
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup chili sauce
Mix all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 15 minutes. Serve on hamburger buns.

What in the Heck IS Facebook and Myspace??

Tonight, my third child and middle daughter had her girlfriends from college for the weekend. Wag put steaks on the grill (chicken for the non-red meat eaters) and Cath and I made the rest of our meal.

We were sitting around the dinner table over dessert. I was boring the girls with stories of my days at OU (Oklahoma University) back when. Surely someone from my generation remembers and has tales to tell of Denko Darlins' and "enchies" at Denko's. Denko was a real person with a meat cleaver always in his hand. He was often chasing us out of his establisment at 2:00 in the morning. Coach's on Main now sits where the infamous Denk's used to be . Share stories. There must be lots of Denko tales out there.

Anyway, we started talking about Myspace and Facebook. I realized I really did not have a clue except what I had glimpsed on one of my kid's computers. ( before they closed it......quickly. ) I of course had heard the horror stories about predators. We have all seen Dateline. Men with more warped hormones than healthy brain cells are repeatedly lured into false liasons with cameras rolling and police waiting.

Here is the simple definiton and explanation of Myspace.
http://www.techterms.org/definition/myspace
http://www.facebook.com/ is the sight for Facebook and there is an online tour you can take without signing up.

I decided we needed some expert advice so I went to the source. Here are four 19 and 20 year-old answers to my questions.

What are Facebook and Myspace? Which do you like better? Why? Do you know anything about how either was started?
They are "social" networks that people use to keep in touch, and just waste time on. Facebook is unanimously our favorite and it is also alot simpler to use. Facebook began as a social network at one particular college (either Harvard or Yale I think) and quite rapidly spread to other colleges. For the first few years you could only get a page if you had an edu.com in your email address..... Meaning that you were a college student. It was the coolest deal to get your address from school and immediately, set up your Facebook page. Now, with Myspace, Facebook allows anyone on. Boo.

How does another person access an individual's page? Can anyone access it? Can you block someone?
Every person who has a facebook account can set their privacy settings. All of our profiles are set so that only our "friends" can look at our profiles. That takes care of us having to block someone because only the people we know are able to look at our profile!


Do you check Facebook every day? Is there always something from someone on it? Are you always adding and updating your pages???
Yes...almost compulsively. Not always but pretty much every other day. At first it is really fun to update your page but the fun is semi -worn off at this point. Some people are very clever and inventive. Some not so much.


Here's a silly question. Are there poor souls who are as unpopular on their Facebook page as they are at their school or is there a level playing field for everyone through this communication method?
Um...well it says how many facebook friends you have, how many wall posts you have etc. But that doesn't really matter because some people are more into facebook and have everyone they know as a friend and others do not really care...so it really depends on if you are an 'active' facebook participant.


Talk about the friend who went for a job interview.
A good friend of mine went in for a job interview and the interviewer had her facebook page printed out and sitting on the desk...lucky for her the profile was totally clean and acceptable...which is not the same for everyone else.


You know how adults always say, "be careful of what you say and do. Reputation is everything." If the Facebook examples I have seen are any indication, some crazy stuff is out there for the world to see. How does someone make a decision to allow this about themselves? Is it so accepted now? Considered cool? Does this have any impact on how a person is perceived?
Well, everyone has a choice of what pictures are posted or not posted. We don't believe sexually explicit or embarrassing incidents to be an accepted form of behavior. These people are definitely judged if their pictures are highly inappropriate and everyone and I mean everyone will know about it.

Can things be deleted? Can you delete something from someone else's personal page?
You can delete anything that has to do with you, but no one else can delete something from your portfolio, unless they know your password.

In a group of say 100, how many people's page is basically honest and truthful about themselves? (rough estimate). Would you say every teen and young adult with a computer have a personal page on one of these sites? I know nothing about statistics, but between the four of us we can only name a handful of college kids that don't have a facebook and/or myspace account. I think everyone's profile is pretty truthful, especially because their parents don't read it.

What advice to parents about their kids on these sights. Should they be banned until a certain age? Should they be screened until a certain age? If so, when. With all the media coverage, why do you think these younger kids are continuing to arrange meetings with strangers? Has computer talk become so familiar to your generation that it really does seem personal and intimate? Does it seem as if you really know the person at the other end. We are all four a little freaked out with the whole internet thing, that is why our privacy setting are set really high, we don't want creeps looking at our profiles and knowing more about us!!! Younger kids really need to understand the dangers and what can happen with contact and meetings. In a way, on Myspace, pre-teens and young teens have a chance to "talk Dirty" or "play doctor' so to speak in a very verbal way. Unfortunately there are sicko's out there who take it real seriously. I guess if someone's kid seems distant, distracted, aloof; if he or she is really secretive about time on the computer, if that parent alarm goes off, look closer and investigate what is going on.

Hope that helped. If you get a chance, go on the websites above to see some examples of pages. I remember when I would take an autograph book to slumber parties and friends would sign things about me. Chrissie and Danny sitting in a tree....K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love..then comes marriage, then comes Danny with a baby carriage. Of course the autograph book is out of date. Actually, the rhyme is an anachronism too. The baby carriage is now often in the middle of the rhyme!!!

Coaxing information out of kids always works better with good food. They will sit longer! Tonight I served a Spinach Salad that has been around for years. We featured it in a Service League's cookbook that was my provisional year project. It is delicious. Thanks Francie Faudree.

1 bag of baby spinach - stems removed. ( It is safe again, California promised)
1 can of Durkee's onion rings
1 jar of hormel bacon bits
4 hard boiled eggs-sliced
1 container fresh muchrooms-sliced (I leave this out as my children pick them out anyway)
1 small purple onion, sliced thinly
When ready to serve, toss, and dress with the following:

In blender combine,
1 cup canola or safflower oil (not olive)
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup wine vinegar
1 tbsp sugar
1 tsp dry mustard
1 clove fresh garlic (light on the garlic)
3 tbsp dried parsley
dash of Tabasco
salt and pepper
You can make ahead but blend again, right before serving as sour cream will separate.
If I don't want to get the whole ding-dang blender out, I'll just do this is a clean mayo jar and shake it well.

The Chaos Theory of Parenting

Something someone said on the comments page of the blog started me thinking about just what a crap shoot parenting is. One person made the statement that if we parent the little ones right, then when they are older they should technically be able to make correct judgements and behave well. Another person called it the "yin and yang of parenting."

I would like to call it the chaos theory of parenting. You know how in the chaos theory of mathematics there is an infinite number of variables affecting the outcome of an equation (finally, math explained how I always solved for x when I was in high school - just kidding), also sometimes known as the Butterfly Effect? Well, the same is true of raising children to adulthood. An infinite number of unpredictable variables can interfere with all your best efforts. This is why two siblings raised by the same parents can turn out completely different.

Psychologists have explained this in various ways. One's birth order. One's siblings affect one's personality more than one's parents. Conditions in the womb. Genetic predispositioning. One's brain functioning. Who knows? It could be anything!

Also, what works with one child does not necessarily work with another. What is a parent to do?

Professor Lashley at NSU has a wonderful saying - "parents do the best they can with what they know." All we can do is do the best we can. Granted, some of us aren't trying very hard, but even from those negligent kinds of parents can spring wonderful teenaged and adult children, albeit a little worse for the wear. Granted, too, some of us who are trying very hard can produce irresponsible, drug addicted children.

Which brings me back where I started. It's all just kind of a crap shoot. Fortunately, in most cases it all turns out well in the end, but you don't want to just take your chances, now, do you? Even in a crap shoot, there are things you can do to hedge your bet. These are my top three for right now without going into detail:
1.)Get yourself the best education you possibly can.
2.)Get your children the best education you possibly can, and then some.
3.)Probably should be number one, but follow Chrissie's advice about loving your child unconditionally throughout his/her lifetime. I don't mean be a doormat, that won't work, either, but you absolutely cannot hold your love hostage to manipulate your child or to get what you want.

Cooking your child's favorite meal is a great way to show that you care about him/her. Whether it's two boxes of Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper or an elaborate Italian Cream Cake, your child will know that you are really saying "I'm thinking about you."

This is a recipe that was in the paper years ago. I think it was from the people who did the Kanchi auction, but I can't remember. I do remember my kids love it, though, and you can just throw it in the crockpot on busy days.

Klein's Kanchi Chicken
6 chicken breasts
1/4 cup water
1 envelope onion soup mix
1/4 cup Italian dressing
garlic salt to taste
Place chicken in crockpot. Sprinkle with garlic salt and onion soup mix. Pour water and salad dressing over chicken. Cover and cook on low 8 to 10 hours. (Bonless, skinless chicken tends to dry out a little, but is still tender.)

How Can I Love You When I Am Not Even Sure I Like You?

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

School is starting and 7:00 A.M. breakfast is always difficult to get going again. Here is an easy Smoothie Recipe that gets the little darlings off to a healthy and delicious start.

In a blender combine:

1 banana , a handful of blueberries, peaches, or strawberries (fresh or frozen) 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt , 2 tablespoons of honey, a few ice cubes and enough orange juice to get the mixture blending. Whir around until smooth. My kids like it thicker so I add a little more ice and if I remember, I throw the banana in the freezer the night before. If you have some sort of cereal similar to granola, it can be added to the top for a crunch. Any kind of nut can be added to the mix before blending and it adds a little protein and they will never even know it is in there. If there is time, enjoy together around the breakfast room table. (Yeah, right) Throw in a syrofoam cup and send them out the door.